A Response to the Mormon Church's New Policy

"But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 19:14

Jesus loves the little children

The internet has exploded with talk of the Mormon church's new policy changes. The first change edits the definition of apostasy. The new definition adds that entering a same-sex marriage constitutes apostasy. The second change now does not allow the children of gay couples to have a baby blessing, be baptized until they are an adult, and to serve a mission they must disavow their parents relationship. To say I was shocked with this new policy is an understatement. I have seen many other people that are confused and lost in this new information. I wanted to immediately write a blog post about my thoughts on the subject but I decided that it was best for me to wait a day and read all that I can from both parties that support or reject this new policy. I can honestly say I have never been so confused about the policy of the church in my life. I simply could not understand the reason behind such a terrible new rule. I have prayed a lot so I wish now to share some of the thoughts I have had towards this touchy subject.

The church has a few arguments to support this new change that I wish to address:

1) This is ultimately to protect the children. The Mormon church believes that if they don't allow the children of gay couples to be baptized into the church that they are solving the dilemma of them having to decide if they will support their parents lifestyle or the Mormon church. This is the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Why would it make sense to bar someone from one of the essential ordinances to return to live with Heavenly Father because they don't want them to have to go through a hard time? What about all the gay couples that love the church still and want their children to grow up in this amazing gospel with all the values and lessons their children would learn?  If the child is at a Mormon church, then that means that their parent almost positively supports their decision to be there.

Sometimes I feel like people believe that just because someone is in a gay relationship that they must hate the church and no longer be a Christian. I know so many people, myself included, that don't feel that way! Gay members of the church have already been knocked down so many times. So many of us have kept getting back up. We keep coming, we keep our testimonies, and we keep hoping that even though the church doesn't support our decision to live the "gay lifestyle" that there is still truth and light to be gained from the church.

The church says they are doing this to protect the children but all I can see is how this will hurt the child and their family. What about how the child feels when all of his friends his age are getting baptized? What about how the child feels when he can't pass the sacrament or hold callings? What about how the child feels when he is denied the blessing of going to the temple to do baptisms for the dead? Membership in the Church encompasses every part of your life. I was preached to all the time as a teenager that I needed the gospel in my life to make it through those rough years. I was told I needed to go to seminary every morning before school to have that spiritual strength each day. That is why I cannot understand why the church feels that it is best that some children be denied this.

This decision also affects the children of divorced parents where one of the spouses may have entered into a marriage with someone of the same gender. How is that protecting the rights of the parent whose child cannot be baptized because her ex husband is gay? The church says that a upon turning 18 a child can then be baptized if they disavow their parents marriage but seriously think about that for a second...how can we expect an 18 year old who has been denied all these blessing their whole life to actually want to be a part of the church that has outcasted them because of their parents? I can't see many 18 years olds choosing baptism.

2) The church has been doing this with families that practice polygamy for years. Please stop comparing this new policy to polygamy! First off, just because the church has been doing this to polygamist families does not mean that it is right. That's like saying, "Oh, it's okay that I raped this person because I have been doing it for years to this other person." This is also a completely different scenario. What of the children of abusive parents, or alcoholic parents, or a parent that is a murderer? These children are welcomed into the church with open arms unless their parents are gay or they have more than 2 parents.

3) The church doesn't treat LGBT members worse than any other sinners. I am just going to laugh at that one...I don't know who they are trying to fool but they treat LGBT so much harsher than our hetersexual counterparts. (For example...not allowing a gay couples kid to be baptized as opposed to a child whose mother is living with her unwed boyfriend but still allowing her child to be baptized).

Do you want to know how this announcement really made me feel? I am not saying that this is what the church intended from this new policy change but this is how it made me feel: 

I feel almost as if this was a calculated move by the general authorities. More and more people are getting married to the same gender and have their kids go to church. The more that this happens, the more the general population of the church will realize that we are normal and good. They will realize we can still have strong testimonies and be Christlike individuals even if we are gay. The church doesn't want members hearts to change towards gay people because then that might mean they have to change doctrine and that is very hard to do. I feel like it is an attempt to strike now before we gain too much support. I feel like this is trying to make things very black and white: the church wants nothing to do with gays and anyone that supports that way of life. They don't want gays so much that they are willing to potentially deny hundreds or thousands of children the ordinance of baptism and membership in the church. I feel like the church convinces/brainwashes its members to never doubt or question it's leadership or policies as being wrong because it is evil, bad, or of the devil. I feel like this is a specific attack against a specific group of people, where the church is saying, "We don't want you or even your children to be a part of our community." That is disgusting and completely against what Christ taught.

This new policy hurts me. It hurts me because I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that The Book of Mormon is true. It hurts me because children are going to be denied blessings that I believe are very real and that I have experienced as a member of the church. It hurts me because if I ever have kids in the future then they would also be denied membership of the church that I would want them raised in. It hurts me because I am trying so hard to stay active at church even with how they feel about someone like me and this now just makes it even harder.

I believe it takes great courage to do what I am doing. I cannot bite my tongue. I cannot try to ignore this. I cannot give up on the idea that I can change people's hearts for the better. I am willing to bet that you have been trained by the church to ignore such blasphemous talk. I remember what it used to feel like to hear hard things like this and I would immediately tune out what was being said to me because doubting was wrong. I invite you to take more of these "hard" ideas to the Lord in prayer. Do your homework and come up with your own conclusion on the subject. Then, ask if that conclusion is correct or not. You should have absolutely nothing to worry about because you should get the exact same answer that the church is teaching you, right? What do you have to lose?

I felt something break inside of me last night when I read the news. This was the last straw. I can no longer support an institution that so blatantly discriminates against a group of people.

I Wish I Would Have Stood Up For Them

I have a confession. I am addicted to something...I am addicted to buying clothes. Since getting home from my mission last year I have had to buy an entire new wardrobe because of my drastic weight loss. The thing is...I am still buying clothes all the time. Yesterday I went to do some shopping at a department store to get my fix of buying pretty new winter clothes (because winter clothes are my absolute favorite). After I tried on a million jackets and sweaters I finally picked a handful to keep and went to check out. There were 2 groups of people in front of me in line. The 2 directly in front of me were both really attractive guys with 2 kids. I, of course, eavesdropped on their conversation and learned they were brothers. Then the group that was in front of them were two hispanic ladies. They had a cart full of baby clothes. One of the ladies was a little heavy set and had comfy looking clothes on. The other one was in high heels and a short skirt that showed off a very fine butt (if I might say so). As I stood there waiting, I started to notice some things about these two ladies. They both had some very manly features about them. They had low voices, one had a 5 o'clock shadow, and the other had very broad shoulders. I would bet my life that these ladies were transgender. I was happy for them that they had each other, that they were buying baby clothes (maybe they were moms!), and that they felt comfortable in their skin.

Those thoughts quickly left my brain as I continued to stare down this guy in front of me in a tank top who obviously worked out a lot. My gaydar was not picking up anything from him though...but hey...it doesn't hurt to enjoy the sight. I get distracted though by the fact that there is only one checkout line open and I see THREE workers standing about 20 feet away staring at these 2 women in front of me. I couldn't believe they would be so rude as to obviously be staring down this transgender couple, whispering to each other, giggling with each other, and not do their jobs. It bothered me slightly but I just stood there and watched as it played out. They finished checking out and left the store. All 3 of the workers then go to the window and watch them walk out.

This has been bothering me for the last day. I feel terrible about myself. I just stood there as these two ladies were being laughed at and stared down. I have no clue about the story these 2 ladies have but my guess is that it has not been an easy life for them. My guess is that things like that happen all the time. I can only assume that worse things have happened to them. What if everywhere I went people saw me and stared, or laughed, or made fun of me. I would hate that!

This is so easy for me to say now and type out but I wish I would have had the courage that day to do something more than just blog about it. I wish I would have walked up to those employees and tell them to get to work and stop staring. I wish I would have walked up to those transgender ladies and tell them they were beautiful. I wish I would have given them a hug and said that they should never give up and keep living their life the way that will make them happy. I wish I would have had courage!

There has been a lot of talk in Houston about a bill that would allow transgender people into the bathroom with the gender they identify as. It would take a lot longer of a blog post for me to share why I believe that voting YES to equal rights is important, but let me share just a couple of thoughts. Simply think of this small experience I had yesterday. Transgender people have to deal with persecution every day of their lives because society is still behind the times. Just imagine what it would be like to be treated like a second class citizen everywhere you go. Transgender people want just a little courtesy from us as to be allowed to go to the bathroom where they feel comfortable. They are not there to sexually assault you or your child. There are there to take a shit without being persecuted for looking like the "wrong" gender. If you don't like the thought of a girl that was born with a penis using the same bathroom as you or visa versa, then think about what it would be like to be in their shoes. They just want to use the bathroom in peace!

Were these ladies at the store being verbally or physically assaulted? No! It is the little things that matter though. I am writing this post to let you know that I promise to stand up for anyone that is being outcasted or shunned because of who they are or who they like. I wish I would have stood up for them!

Nurture vs Nature

This is a debate that has been going on forever. Were LGBT people born that way or was it something that developed because of the life experiences they have had. Both sides of the argument have valid points but no one can definitively say if it is nurture or nature.

It is almost humorous to look back at my life and realize I used to STRONGLY believe that it was nurture. I did not believe that anyone was born gay. I had brainwashed myself into believing that being gay was a choice. I used to think gay people were gay because of things like being molested by another man, liking feminine things, watching porn, distant fathers, not being athletic, and who knows what else "causes" homosexuality. I feared that I was a homosexual and yet I was very homophobic. I made fun of the gay guys at my school and thought they were disgusting.

Times have changed though. It used to be socially acceptable to be homophobic, but now it seems to be quite the opposite. If people make homophobic comments in public then they tend to get crucified by those around them. Look at how far we have come...gay marriage is legal in the United States!

Society has changed immensely in a short amount of time and I have change myself (in case you didn't already know that). Now, to answer the question of nurture vs nature. I don't think I want to definitively pose any absolutes about this topic, but I will say this: I know I was born this way! There is no doubt in my mind that I was born gay. I finally came to that conclusion one night many years ago when I was reading a book about being gay and Mormon and how to make sense of it all. The author was talking about this subject and all of the sudden I had the strongest impression that I knew I was born this way. Before I came to this earth I knew I was going to be gay and I accepted this because I understood that I would learn and grow from the experiences that being gay would allow me to go through. I could finally look back on my life and see that being gay was not a "condition" that started at some point in my life. Being gay is who I am and it is not a learned trait. I can look at my much younger self and just laugh because it is so obvious to me now.

Does that mean that everyone is born gay? I do believe most, if not all, people are born the way they are. For those of your reading that are straight, when did you decide to be straight? What made you decide to be straight? What life experiences led you to want to be with the opposite gender? You see...you never had to make that decision. It was how you were born. Same with me, and same with most all others in the world.

I am different from the majority of the population because I like my men. I like them tall, muscular, smart, funny, cute, and if they have pretty eyes they will melt my heart. Lets celebrate our differences and love each other for who we are and not for who we decide to sleep next to.

Why I Am Okay With Being Excommunicated From the Mormon Church

Last week I was excommunicated from the Mormon church. Wow...lets just sit on that for a second because that is kind of a big deal, right? (See bottom of page for explanation of what excommunication is.) I mean, this is the church that I was raised in. I sang primary songs about popcorn growing on trees, talking streams, and melting snowmen. I went on countless camping trips and learned to how to burn just about anything. I went to conference after conference and became a scriptorian. I went to seminary all through high school and had to wake up at 5am to attend every day. I even served a 2 year mission for my church where I dedicated every single day of my life to serving the Lord. And now...I can't even say I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They say it's now like I was never even baptized. I am supposed to be distraught with the church's decision to take away my membership. I am supposed to feel terrible. I am supposed to not have the Spirit as my constant companion. I am supposed to want to repent and never be with men. Well...that is at least what people say.

So why am I okay with being excommunicated? Let me try to explain, but I am warning you that most of you won't understand. But if you love me, then please read this anyways to see where I am coming from. When I got home from my mission I realized that to remain remain celibate and not pursue relationships with other men was going to be hard, but not an impossible thing. I believe, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13). I belonged to a church whose main statement to the world is that the heavens are still opened and every single human being can pray and receive answers from God. I desired to have a strong witness from my Father in Heaven that my decision to live the way the prophets were telling me, specifically in regards to homosexual relationships, was the correct decision. I believed in this church and everything it taught me so that is why I chose to not pursue relationship with men. I had been telling people for 2 years to pray to know the truth. To not just believe what we were teaching them as missionaries, but to ask God if these things are true. I decided to take my own advice, and the church's advice, and pray to know that I was making the correct decision in the matters of my love life (lack thereof).

I decided to make it a matter of prayer for when I went to the temple. I love the temple and always received a great spirit when I attended. December 17th of 2014 was the day I went to the Lord in prayer, asking him if the decision to live the way I had been taught was correct. It was that day that my life changed forever. I received an answer to that prayer in a profound way that can never be described in words. I won't go into full detail but the answer was that sometimes it is part of God's plan, His plan, to break a commandment. It was as clear as the sun on a bright summer's day that it was part of my plan to partake of the forbidden fruit. 

HOW WAS THIS POSSIBLY A REVELATION FROM GOD??? How could I get an answer that is telling me something different from what the prophets have told us. I doubted the answer I got so much! It shook my faith immensely. I continued to pray and fast about it. I went to the temple time and time again to try to make sure I was tuned into the right station and not just conjuring up false revelation in my head. But no matter how many times I asked the same thing over again, I always got the same answer and the same feeling of peace. 

"Andy, maybe you just think you got that revelation because you wanted it so badly." That is a very valid point and one that I had to ask myself honestly. I decided to compare this revelation I received to how I have received revelation in the past. How did it feel? What were my thoughts? When I was 20 years old, I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true and I got a strong feeling of peace and clear words in my mind that it was true. That exact same feeling came to me every time I prayed about my decision of how to live my life. So in comparing this revelation to past revelation...it is the same. If I still think that I must have just made up this new answer in my mind, then I would also have to think that maybe I did the same thing when I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true. Maybe I just wanted the church to be true so badly that I conjured up that revelation I received. Now I have to question if I believe in the church.

My conclusion: When I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true...that was revelation and I believe this is the true church. When I prayed to know if I should follow what the church's stance is on homosexuality...that was revelation also. 

Where do I stand now? Since that revelation in December I slowly started trying to date guys. I thought I would feel incredibly guilty about it but I just felt peace (and sometimes nervous...especially if my date was really cute). I plan to continue in this way of life and hope to one day find someone to spend the rest of my life with (Maybe even adopt some beautiful babies). 

What are your beliefs towards the church? That was a hard one at first. I started having questions like, "Well, if they are wrong about homosexuality then what else are they wrong about?" Here is what I believe. The church is run by men and a lot of things are dictated by social things. The church is not ready for where I am at and that is fine. I still believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I need the Atonement to heal me and make me better. I need him too! I love my Heavenly Father with all of my heart. I believe that we can all receive revelation for our own lives personally. I am also not going to go around saying this is what the church's stance should be. This was personal revelation. This is the way for me to live my life. It is not my place to tell someone in a similar situation what to do. That is between the individual and God.

Why did I choose excommunication? You may be like..."Um...Andy...you didn't choose to be excommunicated...the church chose that." Well I kind of did. Like I said, I have felt no guilt in this choice. I still feel the spirit in my life daily and to be perfectly honest I feel closer to God than I ever have...including when I was on my mission. The only thing I didn't like about this situation is that I had to lie at church. I had to pretend that I wasn't living this life. Lying is easy to do but it can eat at you. I could have kept up the charade for much longer if I wanted to, but I decided that authenticity is the most important thing to me right now. I have had to lie and pretend my whole life and I done with it. I don't want to wear a mask any longer. If that means the church has to take steps to discipline me...so be it.

How do you feel? Like I mentioned earlier, I was told that I was supposed to feel horrible about being excommunicated. You know how I feel though...I just feel so much peace. I feel the spirit comforting me every day. When I have had second thoughts about this new way of life I am immediately comforted and reminded that this is the right path for me. Do I believe that just because a room full of men told me I no longer have the blessing and privileges of a member of the church that that is true? No, I don't. God is the judge. He has judged my heart and knows me perfectly. I know where I stand with God and I don't need any person to tell me where he thinks I stand. 

Are you still going to go to church? Yes, I am. Simple as that. Like I have said, I still believe in Jesus Christ. I am the same Andy you knew before. I have the same strong testimony, the same desire to become as Christlike as I can, the same desire to serve. Many people will look at me and think that I am just giving up or giving into temptation. They would be wrong. This decision came directly from an answer to prayer and is not something I rationalized myself into doing. I was set and ready to go to spend the rest of my life alone. Aren't you so happy for me now that that doesn't necessarily have to happen. 

A lot of people have asked me if I am okay. I am being completely honest when I say I am great. It is disappointing that it had to come to this, but I am fine with the results. The worst part about it though is knowing what many of you are thinking of me now. If I would have seen myself a year ago I would have been distraught with where my life is at this moment. If I had a friend or family member get excommunicated it would have broken my heart. I know how a lot of you feel and it makes me sad to know how much pain this decision may bring you. Some of you that are reading this may be former leaders of mine, former friends, my mission presidents, members from the wards I served in when I was a missionary, converts that I baptized into the church, former missionary companions, former missionaries I served with, current friends, etc. I KNOW HOW YOU MAY BE FEELING. Just know that I am happy...SOOOO incredibly happy!

Let's face it...as much as we all pretend to know how judgement day will work out...none of us really know. Don't just assume that because I now have an "X" instead of a check on one of my boxes means I am going to hell...because the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not a checklist kind of thing anyways. The reason it took so long to tell all of you this is because of the fear I had that you would no longer think of me the same. Many people have said they look up to me (literally and figuratively) and I may let some of you down. I have to live my life for myself though and the way that I see fit. 

Now you know. I don't know what else to say. Ask me questions all you want...but don't lecture me. If you read my post you know how much thought and time I put into this decision and you know how confident I am in it. Don't waste my time with fire and brimstone. I know everything you want to say to me anyways. Everything. I know what the scriptures say, I know what the prophets say, I know! I hope you can learn to love other more from this post. I hope you can learn that things are not always the way they seem and that is why we should never judge. I am still on the path to becoming my best self...are you?

***As harsh as excommunication may sound, it is not intended to be a punishment or exilement. As a member of the church, you make promises to God to keep his commandments and when you break those commandments you are breaking those sacred promises. Since I have made many covenants with God, excommunication is indented to help me so that I am no longer held accountable to those promises anymore. 

It is also meant to protect the name of the church. Simply put, they don't want people to believe that the lifestyle I have chosen is okay with them. 

It is not supposed to be a means to kick someone out and say they are not welcome. I can still attend church actively. The difference now is I am not considered "worthy" to serve in the church. Our church is run purely by volunteer work. I can no longer serve in any form. I cannot pray in church meetings or give talks anymore. I no longer am a holder of the priesthood which is the power to act in God's name.

Do I Sound Gay?

Is there such a thing as a "gay voice?" If there is, how does one learn to speak with a gay voice? Can you tell a person is gay simply by listening to the way they talk? 

As I was growing up, it was a tradition in my family to be "interviewed" each year on our birthdays. It was always something that I would look forward to with anticipation. I think the most thrilling part of it was the fact that the spotlight was on me and my brothers and sisters had to keep their mouths shut! My parents would video tape us on our respective birthdays and ask us questions like, "What's your favorite color? Who is your best friend? What's your favorite movie?" It was meant to be a glimpse at where we were at in our lives. After the filming was over we were always excited to watch it and see how it turned out, of course. I still remember (to this day) the first time I realized I sounded like a girl. 

It was probably on my 5th or 6th birthday interview and as I listened to myself speak in the video I thought, "That's not my voice. I don't sound like that. I sound like a girl in this video." I hated my voice! I didn't want to sound like a girl! Even at that early of an age I knew I needed to change the way I sounded. It was not because I understood what being gay was back then, but because I knew I was a boy and was supposed to sound like one. 

One of the great things about kids is that most of the time they don't really care about what is cool and what is not. They can dance, sing, have messy hair, and not be embarrassed by it. Insecurities seem to arise a little later in life when we become teenagers. With that being said, I still was aware of the way I talked and tried to not talk so feminine. No, it wasn't a constant thought, but it crossed my mind many times. It got to the point when I was 8 or 9 that I was very confused and frustrated with my life (as frustrated as an 8 or 9 year old can be). I was frustrated because I was supposed to be a boy and like boy things yet I sounded like a girl. Not only did I sound like a girl, but I liked so many girly things too: painting my nails, pink being my favorite color (pink purse, pink ranger, pink everything), Disney Princess' were the best thing ever (especially Belle). So I came to the most logical conclusion any 8 year old would...if I sounded like, and acted more like a girl than a boy, then I had to be a girl *(see note at bottom). I remember exactly how I felt when I came to that irrational conclusion. I was hiding in the bathroom, crying my head off because I wanted to be a girl. I thought God had made a mistake and put me in a boy's body when in fact I was a girl. Those feelings haunted me for a while. I had no way to deal with it other than just trying to hide it and pretend I didn't feel that way. I'm not saying I became a man's man after that, but I tried my hardest to be like the other boys. I tried hard to not sound so feminine. I tried not to acknowledge some of my more girly interests for fear or people judging me. 

As I grew a little bit in maturity and age I started to have a better understanding of what being gay meant. I started hiding parts of me and altering my behavior for a different reason then I used to. I hid so no one would think I was gay instead of hiding because I thought people would think I was a girl. I was still putting a mask on, but for different reasons. If you've read some of my other posts, then you know that I didn't really think I was gay at that time in my life. I just knew I didn't want anyone to think I was gay...because in my mind...I wasn't.

I felt like I did a pretty good job hiding my feminine side as I got older (or maybe I didn't...and I was just fooling myself, I don't know). That came at a price though. I had to put a mask on every day of my life. It was a conscious thing that I did.

Even after accepting that I was gay when I was 21 years old, I still kept the mask on. I was about to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I did want any of my missionary companions to suspect that I was gay. I was forced to live with these guys and be around them 24/7. That would have been terribly awkward for both of us if they found out. When I got home from my mission I started thinking about taking some of those walls down. It was nice to not have to filter everything that came out of my mouth. I slowly was able to allow myself to tap into my real self; The self I tried so hard to abandon when I was younger. Then, I came out publicly in February and that was a huge leap. I had no fear anymore of people finding out that I was gay! I could be myself. It was, and has been amazing!

Then a funny thing happened just the other day. I heard a recording of myself and in that recording I was speaking. I was thrown back for a second...I sounded gay...! Just like when I was a little kid, I didn't recognize my voice. I thought to myself, "I don't really sound like that, do I?" Isn't that the weirdest response ever! Me,...Andy...gay...surprised...that I sounded gay...? I guess it has just been a gradual change that I didn't notice my voice had changed so much! Before some of you start thinking that this is something that us gay guys just do to be flamboyant...please rethink that. It is not some "show" that we put on. It is not to get "attention". The show I put on for most of my life was the show of masculinity and trying to hide my femininity. I am done with the shows now people! I had a flamboyant voice since I was a kid...before I even knew what being gay meant or was...before I had even been around gay people. This is my voice...and I love it! I am fabulous! 

When you listen to people talk, do you ever categorize them by the way they sound? They are gay or they are straight. To be honest...I catch myself doing that sometimes and I hate myself when I do. Even though I am guilty of that at times, does that mean I am wrong....YES! Sounding gay is available to everyone. I won't get into the science of it all, but we learn how to speak at a young age. Some people take on attributes of speaking from women in their lives and some take it from men in their lives. I have known many people that sound as gay as unicorn...but are actually straight. I have met many gay guys that are super masculine. Does it seem like a lot of gay guys have feminine voices...yeah! I am sure there is a reason for that...but I commit to stop putting people in a box and assuming things right away. What about you?

I really don't like it when people judge people for how flamboyant people are. Many people have said things to me like, "Why do gay guys have to put on such a show? Their rainbows, makeup, voices, dress, attitude, etc." Are some of the things you see a show...probably...but MOST ARE NOT! This is who we are people! It's not a show for me! We are gay...gay used to mean happy! Accept us for who we are, *Me taking a bow* (Applause, applause)

*Even though at an early age I believed I was a girl...I wanted to be clear and say that I do not feel that way now. I believed that because it was the only conclusion I could come up with at the time. I want to be clear, not because there is anything wrong with transgendered people, but because some people might get that mixed up. Sexual orientation and gender identity are completely different things. They are not related. Just because someone is transgendered does not mean they are gay and visa versa. 

I'll Never Be Called "Daddy"

I'm 9 years old and it's recess time! My favorite time of the day (except for lunch of course). ALL of my classmates and I have difficulty trying to contain our excitement as we have to walk in a single file line down the hall. I just want to run, scream, jump, and play. The walk to the outside door seems like miles but when I am finally through the door and into the sunlight I run straight for my normal play spot. I get to the shade under the trees-away from the soccer field and basketball court. Most of my male counterparts are off playing sports and getting all sweaty. I, however, am ready to play house with all the girls. I am the dad and I have a wife, kids, and a dog named "Beefy". We have a beautiful house with blue shutters. I have a job making all the money I need. I have 2 cars. I have everything!

That perfect life I created in my imagination was something that I always dreamed of. I have wanted to be a dad my entire life. I even had a journal entirely dedicated to how I would raise my children and what kind of dad I would be. I love kids so much. I love their innocence. I love how you can't stay angry at them. Kids can dream big, even though they throw a tantrum now and then, and they have pure hearts. I had the opportunity to be a preschool teacher when I was in high school. I was a depressed person in those years of my life but every single time I went to preschool to teach the kids I would leave smiling. I would forget my troubles when I spent time with them because kids are just that awesome.

I think having this picture perfect life with a wife, 2.5 kids, a house, 2 cars, and a dog, is what made accepting the fact that I was gay so hard and why it took so long. I did not want to accept the idea that I could not have kids. Of all the things in life, a career, spouse, fame, intelligence, you name it, I wanted to be a dad more than anything. I finally have accepted that that will probably never happen.

The idea that I can never have kids is what breaks my heart the most about being gay. The all too familiar, "Why, oh why would you do this to me God?" pops into my head. Doesn't God want me to be a father and have a family? Why would he do this to me?

This last year I have really come to realize that my life isn't turning out at all how I thought it would. Maybe that means I am finally an adult...? (Nahhhh) I've also come to realize that that is OKAY! So I will never have someone to call me daddy...it sucks, but oh well. I will never have a tiny little guy that I can tuck in, sing lullabies to, teach how to ride a bike, be a friend and mentor to...that breaks my heart, but that's life. There are many people in life that never get this or that no matter how they desire it...that is life.

What can I do then? Well...obviously there is not a 100% chance that I will never have kids...anything is possible. But before you get your hopes up ladies, lets just say that the chances of me having kids, however low they are, is more likely to happen with a partner of the same sex then with a woman (sorry girls...it just won't ever work). So my best bet now is to be the best gosh darn uncle there ever was! I only have one nephew so far but my brothers and sister better make many many more :) So just warning you Tyler, Spencer, Lauren, and Sierra...uncle Andy is always going to be the favorite ;)

This blog isn't supposed to be about me and how sad my life can be sometimes. I try to help people understand more about LGBT issues and be YOUR best self. The lesson I get from this is that you can't always get what you want. No matter how "good" of a want that may be. You are dealt cards unlike any other person in the history of the world. Why would you be just like someone else? That is boring! Live your life to the fullest and don't let anything slow you down.

Control Your Own Happiness

It has been 6 months since coming out! That has caused some pondering on my part add I look back over these months. With that pondering I remember some questions that some of you might have asked me...

I have been asked many times things like,

"Was it worth it?"

"Are you glad that you came out?"

"Have people treated you differently?"

"Are you happier?"

"Did you realize how much people would pay attention to your life after coming out?"

"Would you do it again?"

P.S. You really can ask me anything! I've had lots of people ask me questions about just about anything and everything. Please don't feel embarrassed or shy if you really do have a question! Just private message me.

Yes, it was worth it, I am so glad that I came out and wish I would have done it sooner, yes, people have treated me differently...but in a good way, I couldn't be happier, I did realize that people would watch me more closely after coming out (that is one of the reasons I did it), and I would make the same decision a thousand more times.

People have also called me courageous and that it took a lot of guts to do what I did. I don't really like  it when people say that though. Yes, it was a decision that I did not make lightly. Yes, I would be lying if I said my heart wasn't racing before I hit "Post" on Facebook saying that I was gay. BUT...it didn't feel like a courageous act. I saw it as a way to be happier with my life. I saw it as a way to stop lying intentionally and lying by the sin of omission. I saw it as a way to stop torturing myself, to stop hiding, to stop feeling ashamed of who I was, to educate others about LGBT people. So as you can see...I felt like I was doing this for selfish reasons. As I have been writing this post I'm starting to realize that it may have required more courage than I first thought. Maybe this post should be about courage then...

This quote couldn't be more true for me! Courage is facing fears and that is exactly what I did. I had a few concerns of course before coming out. "What if people treat me differently? What if people turn away from me? What if other guys feel uncomfortable around me now? What if I lose potential opportunities because of prejudices?" Then I started to realize that almost all of my fears about coming out were based on what other people thought of me. How stupid of me was that! I was letting other people control my own happiness. Like I said when I first came out, coming out was not for any of you! Coming out was for me! Most people don't really care that I came out. It doesn't really change much for them at all. I needed to get rid of all of those barriers I created throughout my life. I needed to dissolve the part of me that cared about what others thought of me.

One of the major factors that influenced my decision to come out was from my best friend. She moved to Colorado shortly before I left on my mission. As you can imagine, I couldn't wait to visit her after I got home. I was able to spend 3 weeks with her in Colorado shortly after coming home from my mission. I bring this up because I had never felt so free than those 3 weeks with her! The only people I knew in Colorado were her and her family. They all knew I was gay so I could be myself. I could talk about how beautiful Chris Hemsworth was in the Thor movie we watched.

I mean...come on! Look at that beautiful man! 

I could go shopping for hours if only to look at fabulous clothes and joke about wearing girls clothing. I could talk how I wanted, dress how I wanted, act how I wanted, without fear of someone discovering or assuming that I was gay. I don't know, maybe you're thinking that those are small things, but to me, not having those boundaries was a colossal thing. Later, when I was contemplating the idea of coming out, it was people like Jordyn and her family that mattered. I already had unconditional love from them and that's all I cared about. I knew that there was a chance that I could lose some friends when I decided to be true to myself, but they weren't worth my time if something like that could change their opinion of me. If you have to pretend to be someone that you are not so that your friends accept you...then maybe they are not your friends.

Sometimes the only way to grow in life is to take leaps of faith. At times those leaps will seem like a small jump and other times it may seem like trying to cross the Grand Canyon. For most of my life I felt like I was stuck on one side of that canyon with no way across, but there is almost always a way! Letting go of the fear of judgement from others is such an important thing to me now. Be true to yourself! Live your life so that you are happy. Love everyone for who they are. Love yourself! Stop feeling guilty about everything. Stop trying to be who you think your are supposed to be and be who you are. If you end up making a mistake, then pick yourself back up and keep trying. This life is about becoming something better everyday. SO what are you going to do to take risks and become better?

P.S. I would never try to persuade someone to come out. Coming out is a very personal decision and one that should be done completely by the individual. There is a small chance that someone that is reading this is still in the closet though. If I were to say anything to you, then I would say that it was worth it for me. I highly recommend it :)

Once Upon a Time...In a Parallel Universe

There was a young boy whose parents loved him dearly. This boy loved sports and was always the best at what he did. People thought the world of him. As he grew, he realized that he was not like the other boys who loved music, acting, art, and who loathed getting dirty by playing sports with him. He was made fun of for talking manly instead of flamboyant like his peers so he tried to talk like everyone else. This boy played sports with all the girls even if all the other guys called him macho. He didn't understand all the other guys who were very sensitive and loved romantic comedies. He could relate to the girls who would rather wrestle or blow stuff up.

As this boy continued to grow in years and started to become a young man he realized he was different in yet another way. He started to think he was attracted to girls instead of the same sex like everyone else was. This, of course, was a ridiculous thought in his mind because he had never chosen to be straight. He had been taught his whole life that he is supposed to be gay and like boys just like all the other guys. He was also raised as a very religious person whose fundamental teachings were based on the doctrine that marriage is only between two men or two women and that the greatest joy in life, and in the next life, is to be married to someone of the same gender. He was scared of who he might be because being straight was a sin. He saw the way members of the church talked about those straights as if they were these vile and horrible people.

So this poor boy hid because of the fear of not being who he was supposed to be. He tried to ignore his attraction. He decided to never tell anyone for fear of being labeled a sinner. He pretended to like boys so no one would ever assume he was straight. He put a mask on and had to hide who he was on the inside. But he continued to do what he was taught that he needed to do. He went to church, read his scriptures, and tried to be perfect in everything he did. No matter how much he did though he was still depressed, scared, and broken.

He couldn't live this way though. There was too much hurt and lying. As this boy searched for relief from his pain he finally accepted who he was. He was born this way and no matter how hard he tried or wanted to be gay, he couldn't. Being straight was not something he decided to become one day.  He was straight, and that was okay no matter how taboo it was to be straight. He felt so much relief as he accepted this part of himself that he could never change. He didn't have to force himself to act like a homosexual anymore. He was himself and he didn't need anyone else to tell him who he was supposed to be. He was finally happy.

The End

Note: I use some of those stereotypes simply to illustrate a point and don't necessarily believe all straight people have to like sports and all gay people have to like the arts :) Thanks for humoring my example! 

When I was on my mission for my church, and was working with people to help them make their lives better, I would always try to put myself in their shoes. As I tried to imagine what it would be like to be that person then I would have a clearer vision of the way Christ sees them. The judgement I may have once felt towards the way they were living or the things they were not doing would dissolve away. I could understand more fully why they felt the way they felt. As we apply the concept of putting ourselves in other people's shoes in any setting then we can see less anger, misunderstanding, friction, and judgement in our lives. Love is always the answer.

For my Straight, Faithful, Mormon Friends

Watch: Over the Rainbow by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

With the recent SCOTUS decision I have had a whirlwind of emotions toward the topic. Anyone on social media can agree that I am not alone in those feelings. I have seen nothing but rainbows and pictures of The Family: A Proclamation to the World (which says marriage is only to be between a man and a woman) on Facebook since gay marriage was legalized in all 50 states. I have seen some friends whose dreams have come try with this new law because they can finally marry the person of their dreams that they are in love with. I have also seen a lot of posts about how marriage should only be between a man and a woman. To my great surprise though I haven't seen much hate or judgemental comments. I've heard from other people that there is a lot of hate and arguing going around on Facebook, but either you guys are purposefully blocking my ability to see those posts or most of y'all are not being involved in that (that deserves a high five).

I have tried not to be too vocal about all of these happenings other than a handful of posts to show how excited I was when marriage equality was finally a thing. I don't understand getting angry on social media and debating things. I LOVE to discuss these topics though! I don't want to just ignore things like this. I want to be able to talk about our opinions and respect the opinions of others. I think it brings understanding to be able to see what other people thing and the conclusions they have come to. BUT I would be lying if I said I did not "unfollow" some of my Facebook friends this last week because of hateful comments. There is a difference from discussing and bashing. I hated seeing those bashing comments by some of my "friends" that are supposed to be Christlike. But hey, to each his own, all I had to do was click the button and now I don't see their hate anymore. I didn't have to throw more hate and judgement back at them because that is not what Christ would do. Like I said, if people want to talk then I will...but all this other stuff has to go!

With all that has been posted and said though, I finally felt the need to share my thoughts on the topic. And hey, the cool thing is that I'm not forcing you to read this. I just want to share a few things I want to say to my faithful Mormon friends.

1. Your religious freedoms are not being threatened with this new law. Gay marriage has been legalized in 15 other countries before ours. Many of these countries have Temples and, to be honest, far weaker protections for religious freedom. Guess what, the church has not been forced to perform gay marriages. It's not going to happen! If it were possible then the church knows how to deal with it. They would perform religious, not civil sealings in Temples. They have done this in South America and Europe. It's just simply not a possibility...so get over that.
2. For my second point, I think all this needs is a little advice from my favorite German apostle:
   
3. If you aren't planning on entering a same-sex marriage, don’t experience same-sex attraction, and you aren't being forced to perform one (see #1), consider why you feel the need to share your opinion on this topic. There are a lot of political issues, or things common in society that are rarely ever discussed by Mormons despite being against doctrine. I understand you might feel like you need to be as loud as the voices celebrating the SCOTUS decision. Maybe you hope to keep someone from choosing a path you feel is wrong. Or maybe you feel the need to make sure that people know where you stand. Here is the thing though....I can promise you that as a gay Mormon I know where you stand. Promise. I have sat through the same conference talks, the same lessons on the Proclamation to the World, the same Sunday school discussions. If I know you are straight and Mormon, I am going to assume your beliefs echo the ones I have been taught my whole life. Using the very problematic phrase, I know you hate the sin, but what I don't know is if you love the sinner. Gay people know the church’s stance, and most likely know you support it. What they need to know is whether you support them.
4. Saying you love us, and that you don't mean to offend, isn't enough. So many of the posts that have bothered me the most begin with a phrase like, “I hope all my friends who struggle with same-sex attraction know that I love them.” Let's get things straight here...if the only time you ever talk about homosexuality or LGBT issues is arguing against same-sex marriage then I am going to guess that those friends don’t feel loved by you. I am not saying that you can't affirm the LDS position on marriage and show love to gay saints, I am saying that it is going to take a little more work. Here’s what you can do:
1. Read our stories. If all of your “research” on the question of marriage equality comes from straight men, what is spoken from over the pulpit, and that one article by a gay man who opposes same-sex marriage, then I suggest reading some more. Read stories of hope of faithful same-sex attracted Mormons living the church's commandments in the group, Northstar. Read the heartbreaking letter of a gay Mormon who was excommunicated for marrying the love of his life. Learn from organizations like USGA and Affirmation, about the wonderful diversity of experiences, beliefs, and identities, within the gay Mormon community and the struggles and triumphs they have. And at the VERY LEAST you should go to the church's OFFICIAL website about their stance on gays, mormonsandgays.org. The Internet makes reading these stories so easy. Listen before you talk, learn before you try to teach.
   
2. Educate yourselves on other issues. Believe it or not, marriage equality is not the only goal of the LGBT movement. If you feel like you are unable to support that cause consider others you could. Many states do not protect individuals from discrimination in housing or employment based on their sexuality. This contributes to high rates of homelessness in LGBT youth. Depression and suicide are major problems with queer LDS youth and adults–These are things we can agree on. These are ways you can show your love for same-sex attracted brothers and sisters.
5. Be empathetic. Consider that no matter how long you have thought about this issue, gay Mormons have thought about it more. Think about what matters most to you, an integral part of your identity, your religion maybe, or maybe your family heritage. Now think about a person you love. Consider that maybe how you feel about those things, the people you love and the identity you claim for yourself, is how gay individuals feel about their sexuality and the ones they love. It is not a temptation or an affliction. Being gay has taught me about love and service, it has helped me understand and learn from the struggles of others. It has made me more Christlike and I wouldn't change it for anything. Don’t suggest we won’t feel this way in the next life. Don't call it a struggle. When you do, you are attacking an integral part of a person’s identify. Try and understand that and remember the things you love and care about as you discuss this complicated topic.

Today at church we read the letter that the first presidency sent out to all of the church about their stance on the SCOTUS ruling. I knew it was coming. I had already read the letter that they sent to us online days before. I prepared myself. But I had to leave because every time the church or individuals decide to make sure that we all know where they stand then it is like a knife to the heart for me. Yes, I know the church does not and will never accept marriage between two men or women, (WE KNOW!!!) but it just reminds me that I don't have a place in this church that I have loved my whole life and this church where I gave up two years of my life to spread the things that we teach. The church teaches us over and over that one of the most important things in life is to get sealed to a spouse...this is the Plan of Salvation that the church teaches us about. It can work for everyone except us gays. I will NEVER have a wife or kids. Gay members don't fit into the gospel of Jesus Christ. All the church tells me is what we CANNOT do. "Don't act on your feelings, don't act on your attractions, don't love who you want to love, and don't support people that do decide to act on those feelings." But I want to know what I can do. Why does the church take such a harsh stance against LGBT people? There are countless things that are currently frowned on by the brethren, yet, those of such other acts can easily find solace and compassion within the church. For each sinner, there's a beckoning to stay with the church. For us, our "beckonings" are stanch warnings and screaming "don'ts." Why is it that we are forced to battle for the right to even have our testimonies an faith acknowledged and appreciated? We all fall short, none are flawless, so why are we held to a higher condemnation? Where is the pavilion, for us, that covers all others? I don't want to get through this life just by gritting my teeth and torturing myself. I want a "Plan of Happiness for gay people also." 

So every time you "remind" others of the church's stance on gays, then you are reminding me that I do not belong. It makes me feel like we (gay members) are a problem that the church wishes would just go away. It causes me to question God and why His gospel is set up this way. Sometimes it just hurts me down to the core. I don't want anymore "somewhere's," I want the skies to be blue where I am at right now. 

Sources:   https://byuusga.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/things-i-want-to-tell-my-straight-faithful-mormon-friends-reacting-to-the-scotus-decision/ and sugar cookie. 

6 Things to Remember When You're Tired of Mormons

Do you ever read something and feel like the author stole the very idea of their text from your head in some mystical way? That happens to me every once in a while and it happened when I read this article. The author wrote down my exact beliefs in why I still keep on keeping on with the Mormon faith. I love God with all my heart but sometimes the people get to me. This article is about how I get over those feelings I have sometimes.

I want to stress that this post is not written by me. The content is not mine. I simply shared this post because it resonated with my soul & I wanted to share it to my readers as well as ponder back on it for my reference. 

Liz, the author of this article mentioned some similar hardships that I have. She said, "..over the years, I've found a way to carve out my own space in the Church. It's an ongoing process, but I thought I'd share some of my tools - a practical guide to how to carve out your own space of belonging. Some of these tools may work for you, some of them may not. Spirituality is so personal. But if you sometimes sit in sacrament meeting and wonder what the hell you're doing there, know that I've been there, and sometimes I'm still there, but remembering the following things help me to keep perspective." 

1. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you - just what you think of you, and what God thinks of you. 

This is probably the biggest guiding principle in my life. And it's completely impossible to truly remember and live by all the time. But it's really what everything else in this list comes down to, and when you can remember it, it's empowering. So what if the Relief Society President thinks you're immodest? She's not in charge of your eternal salvation. And even if she or other leaders have a hand in your eternal judgement, God's judgement will override any of that. 

2. Personal revelation is more important than anything else. 

In our Church, we speak often about the importance of obedience, of faith in the Church, of following the counsel of leaders even when we don't understand it. And there is value in those things...we can grow and learn from doing those things. But there may be times that your own conscience may dictate otherwise. Those are painful moments, and it can be really really difficult to trust that you're doing the right thing in following your own heart. And maybe sometimes it's NOT the right thing to follow your own heart. But your responsibility as a human being is to take everything you are told to the Lord. And if your own personal revelation says something contrary to what leaders of the Church may say, trust it. I'm not talking about things like commandments. Personal revelation will NOT be contrary to the commandments. I'm talking about things like leader's opinions on the Big Bang, or the best way to be a parent, or what legislation should be passed. I honor and sustain the men and women called to lead this Church, but recognize that it is not meet that we are commanded in all things, and that sometimes something that seems like revelation for the entire Church may not be when you seek confirmation of it. Others may judge you for your interpretation by statements by leaders, but those who pass judgement are not in charge of your eternal salvation, so it doesn't matter what they think. 

3. You have permission to leave if your pain exceeds your nourishment. 

I mean this on a short-term basis, although I think it can apply long-term. But since the point of this post is to help people stay active if they want to, I'm mostly focusing on short-term. It's inevitable that someone will say something in one of your meetings someday that rubs you the wrong way. You may never have a day when you go to Church and 100% agree with everyone around you. Most of the time you can just shift your focus, listen to the Spirit, dig into your scriptures on your own, find some way to help you stay grounded. But sometimes the sheer effort of doing that distracts from the actual nourishment you can be receiving. So if you need to step out for a few minutes, for the rest of the meeting, or for the rest of the day, give yourself permission to do that. Take your worship into your own hands. It's almost always best to stay. But if you're not getting anything out of Church, put yourself in a situation where you ARE being spiritually nourished.

4. God's children are flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wrecks.

This includes:

-the elderly man who takes his sacrament talk as an opportunity to share his personal opinions on abortion and gay marriage. 

-The bishop, Relief Society president, the Elder's Quorum president, and any other leaders

-The lady in Sunday school who says the only sex ed children need is the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife

-The Stake President's wife, who tells everyone from the pulpit that you will feel the Spirit more if you shower every day

-The guy in your ward who says he gets to tell you that your stick-on tattoo is against the Honor Code because "he has the Priesthood and you don't"

-The Sunday School teacher who dismisses the comments a woman makes about the lesson, and then welcomes the exact same comment when it is made by a man. 

All of these are based on true and personal stories. The point is, "The Gospel is perfect, the people are not." And as difficult as it is to remember, this also goes for the prophets and apostles. Which takes me back to point #2--personal revelation is more important than anything else. If a leader says something you don't feel comfortable with, you have a right to take it to the Lord, figure it out, maybe even reject it. But no one should have to censor themselves to your own standards/beliefs..Even the idiots have a right to be here. They have a right to say whatever they do, and you have a right to dismiss it if you feel you must. (Also note, you are a flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wreck).

The other part of this truth is this:In the words of an old friend, "If somebody seems perfect, then either #1.They're Jesus or #2. They have something to hide. Probably #2 though." Many of the people you see at Church seem "orthodox" and "perfect" but are likely carrying things the rest of us can only dream of. Don't fail to imagine others complexly.

5. The purpose of Church is to nourish everyone, including those who are just beginning. 

For those who have been members for many years, or for the intellectual types, Church can sometimes just get plain boring. There is so much insanely interesting stuff in the scriptures and in Church history...complicated details that deserve our time and attention. And 99% of the time, that's NOT the stuff we talk about in Sunday School. But that's because everyone is at a different place in their progression and testimony. What if someone is returning to Church after a long hiatus? Or what if someone just got baptized? Or what if they're just investigating? Discussing the connections between LDS temple ceremonies and Masonic ritual is NOT going to bring them closer to Christ--it will probably overwhelm them. I'm not saying that studying those things is bad. In fact, I think it's really good and really really important. But that's what personal study is for, or discussions with friends and family. This is totally the "Gospel According to Liz," but to me it makes sense to say that while there is overlap. Church is primarily the time for nourishment, and personal study is primarily the time for learning.

6. For most of us, life is better with the Church than without it. 

This is the ultimate truth that keeps me in the pews. Because I haven't always had the Church in my life. And there have been times when I've had the Church, but not as fully. And here's what I think. Life can be painful and complicated and overwhelming. And that's true whether you're in the Church or not. So if it's true, you might as well continue to receive nourishment where you can. I know I can use all the help I can get when it comes to life, and the Gospel is the best source of help I've found.

The Rock Wall

Here's a final thought. Your testimony is like a rock wall. Everyone is constantly building to their walls, stone by stone. And every now and then, you may stumble upon a stone and not see exactly where it fits. It may be labeled "gay marriage" or "visiting teaching" or "hymns are boring" or "why do we have so many freaking meetings and why are so they so freaking long." But that doesn't mean you abandon the wall. It means you set the stone aside and keep building with what you DO know. And as you build, you may suddenly see where that stone fits. Some people have likened this process to a jigsaw puzzle, but that implies that every one's testimony looks the same eventually. I like the stone wall better because every one's will look completely different, and have different foundations, but all of them are still valid. It can be frustrating to feel sometimes like you're surrounded by stones you don't understand. But hang in there. You'll find their place eventually. And as you do, you'll find your OWN place, too.