Is there such a thing as a "gay voice?" If there is, how does one learn to speak with a gay voice? Can you tell a person is gay simply by listening to the way they talk?
As I was growing up, it was a tradition in my family to be "interviewed" each year on our birthdays. It was always something that I would look forward to with anticipation. I think the most thrilling part of it was the fact that the spotlight was on me and my brothers and sisters had to keep their mouths shut! My parents would video tape us on our respective birthdays and ask us questions like, "What's your favorite color? Who is your best friend? What's your favorite movie?" It was meant to be a glimpse at where we were at in our lives. After the filming was over we were always excited to watch it and see how it turned out, of course. I still remember (to this day) the first time I realized I sounded like a girl.
It was probably on my 5th or 6th birthday interview and as I listened to myself speak in the video I thought, "That's not my voice. I don't sound like that. I sound like a girl in this video." I hated my voice! I didn't want to sound like a girl! Even at that early of an age I knew I needed to change the way I sounded. It was not because I understood what being gay was back then, but because I knew I was a boy and was supposed to sound like one.
One of the great things about kids is that most of the time they don't really care about what is cool and what is not. They can dance, sing, have messy hair, and not be embarrassed by it. Insecurities seem to arise a little later in life when we become teenagers. With that being said, I still was aware of the way I talked and tried to not talk so feminine. No, it wasn't a constant thought, but it crossed my mind many times. It got to the point when I was 8 or 9 that I was very confused and frustrated with my life (as frustrated as an 8 or 9 year old can be). I was frustrated because I was supposed to be a boy and like boy things yet I sounded like a girl. Not only did I sound like a girl, but I liked so many girly things too: painting my nails, pink being my favorite color (pink purse, pink ranger, pink everything), Disney Princess' were the best thing ever (especially Belle). So I came to the most logical conclusion any 8 year old would...if I sounded like, and acted more like a girl than a boy, then I had to be a girl *(see note at bottom). I remember exactly how I felt when I came to that irrational conclusion. I was hiding in the bathroom, crying my head off because I wanted to be a girl. I thought God had made a mistake and put me in a boy's body when in fact I was a girl. Those feelings haunted me for a while. I had no way to deal with it other than just trying to hide it and pretend I didn't feel that way. I'm not saying I became a man's man after that, but I tried my hardest to be like the other boys. I tried hard to not sound so feminine. I tried not to acknowledge some of my more girly interests for fear or people judging me.
As I grew a little bit in maturity and age I started to have a better understanding of what being gay meant. I started hiding parts of me and altering my behavior for a different reason then I used to. I hid so no one would think I was gay instead of hiding because I thought people would think I was a girl. I was still putting a mask on, but for different reasons. If you've read some of my other posts, then you know that I didn't really think I was gay at that time in my life. I just knew I didn't want anyone to think I was gay...because in my mind...I wasn't.
I felt like I did a pretty good job hiding my feminine side as I got older (or maybe I didn't...and I was just fooling myself, I don't know). That came at a price though. I had to put a mask on every day of my life. It was a conscious thing that I did.
Even after accepting that I was gay when I was 21 years old, I still kept the mask on. I was about to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I did want any of my missionary companions to suspect that I was gay. I was forced to live with these guys and be around them 24/7. That would have been terribly awkward for both of us if they found out. When I got home from my mission I started thinking about taking some of those walls down. It was nice to not have to filter everything that came out of my mouth. I slowly was able to allow myself to tap into my real self; The self I tried so hard to abandon when I was younger. Then, I came out publicly in February and that was a huge leap. I had no fear anymore of people finding out that I was gay! I could be myself. It was, and has been amazing!
Then a funny thing happened just the other day. I heard a recording of myself and in that recording I was speaking. I was thrown back for a second...I sounded gay...! Just like when I was a little kid, I didn't recognize my voice. I thought to myself, "I don't really sound like that, do I?" Isn't that the weirdest response ever! Me,...Andy...gay...surprised...that I sounded gay...? I guess it has just been a gradual change that I didn't notice my voice had changed so much! Before some of you start thinking that this is something that us gay guys just do to be flamboyant...please rethink that. It is not some "show" that we put on. It is not to get "attention". The show I put on for most of my life was the show of masculinity and trying to hide my femininity. I am done with the shows now people! I had a flamboyant voice since I was a kid...before I even knew what being gay meant or was...before I had even been around gay people. This is my voice...and I love it! I am fabulous!
When you listen to people talk, do you ever categorize them by the way they sound? They are gay or they are straight. To be honest...I catch myself doing that sometimes and I hate myself when I do. Even though I am guilty of that at times, does that mean I am wrong....YES! Sounding gay is available to everyone. I won't get into the science of it all, but we learn how to speak at a young age. Some people take on attributes of speaking from women in their lives and some take it from men in their lives. I have known many people that sound as gay as unicorn...but are actually straight. I have met many gay guys that are super masculine. Does it seem like a lot of gay guys have feminine voices...yeah! I am sure there is a reason for that...but I commit to stop putting people in a box and assuming things right away. What about you?
I really don't like it when people judge people for how flamboyant people are. Many people have said things to me like, "Why do gay guys have to put on such a show? Their rainbows, makeup, voices, dress, attitude, etc." Are some of the things you see a show...probably...but MOST ARE NOT! This is who we are people! It's not a show for me! We are gay...gay used to mean happy! Accept us for who we are, *Me taking a bow* (Applause, applause)
*Even though at an early age I believed I was a girl...I wanted to be clear and say that I do not feel that way now. I believed that because it was the only conclusion I could come up with at the time. I want to be clear, not because there is anything wrong with transgendered people, but because some people might get that mixed up. Sexual orientation and gender identity are completely different things. They are not related. Just because someone is transgendered does not mean they are gay and visa versa.
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