Excommunication: What was it really like? (5 years later)

Hello friends! Welcome to my blog :) If this is the first time you have ever read my blog, then I am not surprised. I started this back in 2015 to share my experience of being gay in the Mormon church. This blog changed and went on back-burner when I said goodbye to Mormonism and became just good ol' big gay Andy. 

I am lucky enough to have had over 12,000 people read my words on here. I have shared lots of vulnerable topics about my religious upbringing and coming to terms with my sexuality and I feel like I owe it to the small following that I have to update y'all on the last 5 years, what it was actually like to be excommunicated from the Mormon church, and what I would say to the 2015 version of me. 

Okay...condensed version for those that aren't familiar with my story: I'm the great-great-great grandson of the 2nd prophet of the Mormon church, Brigham Young. I come from a traditional and strong Mormon family where religion was well...just what we did. I went to all the church, youth groups, summer camps, service projects, and even did the whole 2 year mission from age 21-23 in Seattle, Washington. Basically, I was a good Mormon boy. Accepting my gayness took time though because of the out of date teachings the LDS church had on homosexuality that led to the shame, self-hatred, and depression I experienced until I accepted that I was in fact gay. I loved myself for who I was...finally!

Fast forward to a year after I got back from my mission and I was tired of trying to fit into the church as a gay man. There wasn't a spot for me, but I had been indoctrinated to believe that it was the only option I had or I would be faced with eternal hellfire and damnation (I really want to do a post about the terribly damaging affects religion can have on the psychological and social development of children). I was slowly moving away from the beliefs I had been taught since birth and trying to figure out how to simply...exist. It was hard work!!! I finally realized living my authentic life was the right thing to do, but I wanted the church leadership to know that someone like me was a part of their flock. I wanted them to know the real struggle I faced and how I gave it 100%. I could have continued to lie or just never go back, but instead I decided that being excommunicated was my best option for moving forward.

September 22, 2015 was the day of my disciplinary council. I went in front of 15 men in local leadership positions whose job it was to judge my worthiness and standing as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was all very secretive and no one else was allowed into the building. I went in that meeting already knowing what the result would be, but I still answered all their prying detail oriented questions truthfully about my sex life, my "sins," and if I was trying to recruit people to the gay agenda (I literally got asked that). I went in there and looked them all straight in the eye and told them my story. I needed them to know how much I struggled and fought to make it work. I wanted them to know that I did not feel sorry for being gay and that I did not need to repent for being who I was. I needed them to know this so they could get a glimpse of what it was like to be LGBTQ in their gospel and maybe help a struggling gay member in their congregation down the line. I wanted them to know that people like me existed and there were many more of us "apostates." I had tried my whole life to hide so much of who I was, but 5 years ago when I was in front of those men...I wanted to be seen!

My mom came with me to my "disciplinary council" to be supportive even though she wasn't allowed in to witness any of this. After, when I told her that they had indeed decided to excommunicate me she just held me and wept. The fear of letting her down and the people I loved was real and by far the hardest obstacle of leaving this religious cult. Mormonism is more than just a church you go to...it has its own culture. It envelops everything in your life and is what makes leaving so incredibly difficult and scary. I was finally at a point where I wanted to live and just be Andy. That required me to be selfish and to not worry about the sorrow I would bring my Mormon friends and family. I knew I wanted a new life so instead of feeling pain for letting my mom down while she hugged me I felt joy, excitement, and proud of how strong and courageous I was to go in there with my head held high. 

After being excommunicated I had intentions of still trying to worship in some way. At that time I still believed in God and believed he loved me...gayness included. The next Sunday I got word that the leader of the congregation I had been attending decided to announce my excommunication over the pulpit at church to all of my friends. Saying I was hurt and angered by this is an understatement because it felt like a way to discredit and attack me. Excommunication means I was stripped of my membership, baptism, holy ghost, temple ordinances, and priesthood. In addition, excommunicated members are allowed to attend church, but cannot speak publicly, pray, or serve in any capacity (they silence you). I then had a followup meeting with the Stake President (basically in charge of all the Mormons in the city) and he informed me that I would not be allowed to sing in any church functions (when originally he said I would be able to). He had many explanations for why I wasn't allowed to sing in church anymore: I was too well spoken and known by most people in the area, I had this blog and it had a large following, people listened to me and what I said, people loved me and cared about me, I had the power to get others to follow my example, I had influence, and they didn't want people to think that the church was accepting of my life choices. These are all real excuses given by this "man of God."

Looking back it is easy to see all the red-flags screaming that gays don't belong, but I was so indoctrinated that I felt like all I needed was a break from church and that I would go back once I calmed down from how the local leaders handled my situation. 

Then the day that it all finally came crashing down...November 6th, 2015. I was at house party and one of my friends text me a news article about a new proclamation that the church sent out from headquarters in Utah. This new proclamation from the "prophet of the Lord" labeled gays as "apostates" (basically meaning we are condemned). Now...I knew the Mormon church didn't agree with my life...fine...but the second part was the thing that got me. They also said that the children of gay parents would not even be allowed to be baptized if they wanted to be. I interpreted this as "We don't want your gayness so much that we will condemn your children too." After I read that article I didn't say anything to my friends at the party and walked into the back of the house, found a bedroom, and laid on the bed staring at the ceiling. I was in shock. I wasn't crying or even doing much thinking because my brain had almost literally turned off from the pain of that realization: I couldn't associate or believe in a church as hateful as Mormonism. The switch in my head went on and I allowed myself to consider that it was all just bullshit, manipulation, and control. I couldn't handle the pain I felt so I did what any good Mormon does (or former Mormon)...turn off uncomfortable feelings. 5 years later I can look back on that moment and see how hurt and betrayed I felt as I realized I had to cut out Mormonism from my heart like the cancer that it was. 

If I could talk to myself in that vulnerable and difficult moment almost 5 years ago, then I would say this: 

"Andy, it feels like the world is ending right now, but as you heal you will be able to look back on this moment and realize that it was the day that you started living. You feel like everything you know is being flipped upside down, but it is actually being flipped right side up. You have a hard road ahead of you because everything you believed and trusted in will now have to be analyzed and deconstructed if you want to move forward. You will feel like a fish out of water with limited real world coping mechanisms and tools. You will feel alone in this journey, but you don't have to be. You pride yourself in your independence, strength, and courage, but it is okay to let others in to help. You will be an example to others and your words will help MANY other Mormon's realize the depth of control and manipulation that the church was inflicting on their lives. Stop running, stop hiding, stop ignoring! Face your problems and empower them with research. Knowledge will give you and your goals strength and resilience. There are so many people out there that have gone through this same deconstruction process. There are countless resources and people that know what this feels like. Set boundaries, listen to your heart, stand up for what you believe in, and do what makes you happy. Don't look for happiness in the future, but realize that happiness can always be found in the present. Make mistakes and try new things out that you may not have tried before. Accept your past for what it is and learn from it. Don't feel like you missed out or that time was stolen from you because it was all a teaching moment. You are going to have to question every aspect of your character, but know that you are a kind and loving soul not because of what an organization taught you, but because that is who you truly are. The level of psychological abuse that happened to you is significant and you will want to ignore that trauma, but facing the hard truths help you with the healing. Learn how to allow anger to be the fuel towards change. Let yourself  feel that pain and see it as a teacher and friend. DON'T COMPARE YOUR LIFE TO ANYONE ELSE'S BUT YOUR OWN!!!! Realize you don't actually know anything, but as long as you focus on self-love, then things will be okay."

I post these blogs because I see a need for my voice to be heard. Pain is guaranteed, but change is possible if you have the courage to take it one step at a time. 

A Paradigm Shift: I am Finally Getting to Know Who Andy Young Is!

As most of you know, I have had some major changes in who I am over the last couple of years. I am most definitely talking about my shift from becoming Andy Young the Mormon to simply Andy Young. This paradigm shift was extremely exhilarating at first! Like Princess Jasmine, I was exploring a whole new world which was a dazzling place I never knew. I had a new fantastic point of view on life where there was no one to tell me no or where to go! 

Life was simply amazing as I explored my sexuality and my new freedom as I finally let my heart decide. I got accepted to The University of Texas and moved to Austin and fell in love with the school and the city. Then, something happened...the depression that went away when I came out to myself back in 2012....came back. I couldn't understand why! I was happy! I was away from an abusive religion, I was living the "gay lifestyle" (whatever that means haha), and I was free to figure out who I was with no group telling me what I should believe. The thing they didn't tell me when I was leaving the Mormon church was that since I was so fully immersed in its culture, that I would now need to have my own ideas about life, God, my morals, politics, and so on. If you have never had a drastic shift in beliefs before, then just know that it shakes your whole world and it is not something that happens overnight.

Mormonism isn't just a church you simply go to on Sunday. Mormonism wants its members to be drowning (I say drowning and they say immersed...whatever haha) in their culture to keep its members away from the sins of the world and members are ALWAYS kept busy. They tell you exactly what you should believe in if you are to be a "good Mormon." I had no identity except Andy the singing Mormon. 

After I left the church, I was a 23 year old that felt like I knew nothing about the world or my beliefs and it finally got to me. I felt lost, alone, and depressed! Mormonism always had me on a path: baptism, seminary, EFY, eagle scout, graduate, go on a mission, go to college, get married, have kids, become a bishop yourself, and so on. I now had the chance to decide what I wanted to do and what my goals were in life...and that is a lot of reorienting! 

The ONE thing that I miss about being a Mormon is how service oriented it is. I loved and still love helping other people and I no longer had an automatic outlet for that since I left the church. I started feeling guilty because I felt like I was becoming a selfish person. A lot of what I did was for me and no on else. The guilt of being selfish was starting to get to me as I continued to spend so much of my time trying to define who Andy was. I finally had to consciously decided that it was okay that I was being selfish! In my searching, I learned this lesson: 

So I decided to focus just on myself. I finally realized I had a lot of baggage from being Mormon that I had to address. I realized I was angry with Mormonism and Christianity...but I didn't want to be (I've figured that out too and no longer feel those emotions anymore so don't worry). I had to find a way to deal with those unhealthy feelings I had. The biggest idea I had to wrap my head around was discovering what my beliefs were towards a higher power (I settled on atheism if you're curious). It is so hard to describe how much of my life had to change when I walked out of the life I used to live. I no longer saw the world through the "Mormon lense." I had nothing blocking my vision or altering my view anymore.

Fast forward and I recently took a trip to Houston to see family and friends and had a great time. Over the course of that week long trip I kept having different things happen that helped me realize how much I really had changed since I was that fresh new gay boy I was 2 years ago. Then, on my last night in Houston, I was laying in my bed (in a room that was mine when I was a middle schooler), and it just all hit me at once...I finally felt like I knew who Andy Young was!!!!!!!! I finally felt like I knew what I believed in as an individual and no longer as a part of this huge corporation that I was raised in. I could have conversations with my family or friends and I could share what I thought about life. If you are not understanding how significant that is for me, then think about all the small little opinions that make up who you are...there are so so so so so many! 

I went from feeling lost and like a child again to finally realizing I know who Andy is. That is simply a fabulous feeling to have! My reflection finally showed who I was on the inside. 

I have become a completely different person. Can I please say that again for emphasis? I HAVE BECOME A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON! I literally feel like my brain has been rewired to think differently. If you knew Andy Young before you knew he was also gay, then that Andy Young is dead. Memories live on in me. Some of the personality traits that the old Andy had live on in me. I don't even look the same (it just happened that way with my weight loss but it is fun to throw that in there)!

Obviously, I am still a work in progress, but I had to share how great of a feeling it is to start being able to know who I am after feeling so lost. Thank you to all of my friends, followers, and family members that have helped in my journey so far and will continue to help me in becoming my own best self! 

P.S. If you caught a couple of Disney references, it is because I've been listening to Disney a lot lately and so many of their lyrics and stories are simply amazing. Can I start a religion that preaches what Disney teaches us!?!?!?!?!? My friend Jordyn told me, "one thing about Disney music is that Howard Ashman had a big hand in writing music/lyrics for a lot of them. Sometimes when you think about it that way you're like...Oh! This is written from the perspective of a gay man!"

Where I Stand With the Mormon Church

This will probably be my last post for a while. I want to thank all of you that have read my blog and are reading right now. I have had almost 10,000 views on my blog site which is far more people than I ever thought would read my words. Maybe I will find something else to blog about in the future but I feel like the normal topic of being gay and Mormon is done in my life. If you are short on time then just read the ending and that summarizes everything :)

I have been asked many times recently where I stand with the Mormon church. My friends and family want to know if I still attend church or believe in the church's teachings. Do I still have a testimony of Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon? I honestly couldn't answer all of those questions until recently because I was too confused and didn't know exactly how I felt.

Well now I think my mind is clear and I know what I want to say...

The church's policy change towards children of gay couples.

I was at a party when I first heard the news about the policy change via Facebook. I didn't believe it at first because it seemed so contrary to what the church had taught me all growing up. Things like families are the most important institution in life and that children are without sin and are not judged by the sins of their parents. I kept looking around online and finally realized this was a real thing. I went numb and didn't know what to think. I went back to my friends bedroom and literally just laid in their bed the rest of the night when everyone else was still having fun. I didn't cry or scream or get angry...I just laid there unsure of how to feel. The moment I read the news something inside of me broke. My whole life I have believed in EVERYTHING the Mormon church had taught me no matter how crazy or hard it was to believe sometimes. Even with being excommunicated I was still trying with all my might to hold on to that belief. That belief was fragile and worn but fell apart when I read that news. If you can imagine being in a dark room your whole life with someone describing to you what else is in the room and then finally the light comes on and you realize it is nothing like you had been told; that is how I felt when I read that news. I saw the church through a new lense. I won't go into all the details of why I cannot stand this new policy change, but just know it was the tipping point for my. It was the catalyst for all of these new beliefs in my life.

Do you still go to church?

No, I do not. Going into the excommunication process I can honestly say that I was still planning on attending church still. I could accept the fact that the church didn't approve of my actions, I could accept that I was seen as a sinner, and I could accept that I would be treated as a second class member. I was okay with that because at that time I had a belief that the church was true and run by a prophet of God. Ironically enough, about a week or two after I was excommunicated the church came out with the new policy that does not allow the children of gay couples to be baptized until they are 18. So do I attend a church where my future children would not be welcomed, where I am not allowed to serve in any capacity, say public prayers, read scriptures in class, offer my opinion when the teacher asks a question, or even sing in the choir? No, I do not and will not attend a church like that.

Why has excommunication been such a great thing for you, I thought you loved the Mormon church?

I used to love the Mormon church will all of my heart. If you knew me on my mission, then I meant every single word I said. Every testimony I bore was a real one. Being a member of the church has always been a burden though. We hear over and over again that we can overcome pain and sorrow through Christ, but I have now realized that so so so so much of that pain was coming from the church itself. I was beating myself up over being gay. For a lot of my life I tried my best to become a heterosexual. Then, I tried to play with the idea of marrying a girl. Finally, I tried to accept the fact that I had to be celibate for the rest of my life. Almost all of the pain and sorrow I have felt in my life up to this point has been from the beliefs I held in the Mormon church. So that is exactly why being excommunicated has been amazing! I feel such a burden lifted off my shoulders. The church teaches that sin is what brings on those burdens, but I am telling you now that no matter how many times I have sinned in my life, there was no greater burden than being a gay member of the Mormon church and trying to follow what they are teaching you. There are private Facebook groups for Mormons that are attracted to the same sex but still want to follow all of the commandments from the church (meaning living a celibate life or marrying a woman). I joined those groups when I first got home from my mission but couldn't stand them because almost every post was so depressing. There was so much pain from those people. I have met many people from that group in Houston and at other events and (no offense to them) they all just seem so incredibly miserable. They have their eyes set on dying and realizing that they will not be happy in this life but it is worth it because they will be happy when they die. That is just too heartbreaking for me. I thought I was happy when I finally came out to myself and I thought I was happy on my mission. There is just no comparison to then and now.

If you remember, I chose to act on my sexual orientation once I had prayed earnestly and received the answer that I can and I should be with men. A lot of people have thought that this whole process of excommunication would be hard on me, but it was actually incredibly easy because I knew what God had told me these things. I didn't need a room full of men to tell me where I stood with God. So at my disciplinary council when they took away my membership from the church and all the blessing that came with it, including the gift of the Holy Ghost, I was curious the see how I felt after they did that. The whole time I was there I felt the spirit confirming to me that I was making the right choice and these men were doing their job, but they were wrong. When I was supposed to lose the Holy Ghost I still felt it. I kept feeling it for days, weeks, and now months since my excommunication. I still receive promptings from the Holy Ghost often (even if I ignored one prompting recently and now have a speeding ticket from it...stupid Andy). If I was wrong in my decision then one would think I would feel an emptiness. I most definitely would not have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion either. That is exactly what brings me peace with all of this. I know this is the right decision!

What do you believe?

I believe we are all trying to find out what and who God is. We obviously aren't doing that great of a job if there can be thousands of different churches that all have a different definition of God and His teachings. I am not an atheist now, I promise. Most of my life I thought that the LDS church was the one true church that had the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't believe that anymore. Mormons are not an elite group of people. They are just like the rest of the worlds and are simply trying to figure out God and His mysteries. I strongly believe that whatever your beliefs may be, all that matters is that you live what YOU believe and God will judge accordingly. I am a Christian but don't know what role religion will play in my life anymore. At this time I am sure that I need a break from it.

To those still in the Mormon church.

You do you! I don't hate the church or hate you for being in it. Live what you believe. Can we still be friends even though we have different beliefs...YES! I am not here to tell you that you are wrong. I am not here to say the LDS church is evil. They do a lot of great things and there are a lot of good people in the church. Are all the things that they teach false? Not at all. There are many great things that they teach that I still believe.

-------------------------------------------------------

I no longer try to sort out the conflicting doctrines in the LDS church. Man is not meant to be alone, yet gay members are meant to remain celibate; the church is built on families, but not for gay families; children are without sin and able to make choices at 8, yet children of gay couples are denied blessings and cannot choose baptism until 18. I refuse to spend any more time feeling broken. I refuse to see myself as second-class. I choose to live for me. I choose to believe that God loves me fully and that he does not want me to be alone, sad, and divided. He would never label me as an abomination or simply classify me as a sinner or an apostate.

I have no perfect understanding except to know that the peace I longed for so desperately as a faithful Mormon, I have now found outside of the Church.

Why I Am Okay With Being Excommunicated From the Mormon Church

Last week I was excommunicated from the Mormon church. Wow...lets just sit on that for a second because that is kind of a big deal, right? (See bottom of page for explanation of what excommunication is.) I mean, this is the church that I was raised in. I sang primary songs about popcorn growing on trees, talking streams, and melting snowmen. I went on countless camping trips and learned to how to burn just about anything. I went to conference after conference and became a scriptorian. I went to seminary all through high school and had to wake up at 5am to attend every day. I even served a 2 year mission for my church where I dedicated every single day of my life to serving the Lord. And now...I can't even say I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They say it's now like I was never even baptized. I am supposed to be distraught with the church's decision to take away my membership. I am supposed to feel terrible. I am supposed to not have the Spirit as my constant companion. I am supposed to want to repent and never be with men. Well...that is at least what people say.

So why am I okay with being excommunicated? Let me try to explain, but I am warning you that most of you won't understand. But if you love me, then please read this anyways to see where I am coming from. When I got home from my mission I realized that to remain remain celibate and not pursue relationships with other men was going to be hard, but not an impossible thing. I believe, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13). I belonged to a church whose main statement to the world is that the heavens are still opened and every single human being can pray and receive answers from God. I desired to have a strong witness from my Father in Heaven that my decision to live the way the prophets were telling me, specifically in regards to homosexual relationships, was the correct decision. I believed in this church and everything it taught me so that is why I chose to not pursue relationship with men. I had been telling people for 2 years to pray to know the truth. To not just believe what we were teaching them as missionaries, but to ask God if these things are true. I decided to take my own advice, and the church's advice, and pray to know that I was making the correct decision in the matters of my love life (lack thereof).

I decided to make it a matter of prayer for when I went to the temple. I love the temple and always received a great spirit when I attended. December 17th of 2014 was the day I went to the Lord in prayer, asking him if the decision to live the way I had been taught was correct. It was that day that my life changed forever. I received an answer to that prayer in a profound way that can never be described in words. I won't go into full detail but the answer was that sometimes it is part of God's plan, His plan, to break a commandment. It was as clear as the sun on a bright summer's day that it was part of my plan to partake of the forbidden fruit. 

HOW WAS THIS POSSIBLY A REVELATION FROM GOD??? How could I get an answer that is telling me something different from what the prophets have told us. I doubted the answer I got so much! It shook my faith immensely. I continued to pray and fast about it. I went to the temple time and time again to try to make sure I was tuned into the right station and not just conjuring up false revelation in my head. But no matter how many times I asked the same thing over again, I always got the same answer and the same feeling of peace. 

"Andy, maybe you just think you got that revelation because you wanted it so badly." That is a very valid point and one that I had to ask myself honestly. I decided to compare this revelation I received to how I have received revelation in the past. How did it feel? What were my thoughts? When I was 20 years old, I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true and I got a strong feeling of peace and clear words in my mind that it was true. That exact same feeling came to me every time I prayed about my decision of how to live my life. So in comparing this revelation to past revelation...it is the same. If I still think that I must have just made up this new answer in my mind, then I would also have to think that maybe I did the same thing when I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true. Maybe I just wanted the church to be true so badly that I conjured up that revelation I received. Now I have to question if I believe in the church.

My conclusion: When I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true...that was revelation and I believe this is the true church. When I prayed to know if I should follow what the church's stance is on homosexuality...that was revelation also. 

Where do I stand now? Since that revelation in December I slowly started trying to date guys. I thought I would feel incredibly guilty about it but I just felt peace (and sometimes nervous...especially if my date was really cute). I plan to continue in this way of life and hope to one day find someone to spend the rest of my life with (Maybe even adopt some beautiful babies). 

What are your beliefs towards the church? That was a hard one at first. I started having questions like, "Well, if they are wrong about homosexuality then what else are they wrong about?" Here is what I believe. The church is run by men and a lot of things are dictated by social things. The church is not ready for where I am at and that is fine. I still believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I need the Atonement to heal me and make me better. I need him too! I love my Heavenly Father with all of my heart. I believe that we can all receive revelation for our own lives personally. I am also not going to go around saying this is what the church's stance should be. This was personal revelation. This is the way for me to live my life. It is not my place to tell someone in a similar situation what to do. That is between the individual and God.

Why did I choose excommunication? You may be like..."Um...Andy...you didn't choose to be excommunicated...the church chose that." Well I kind of did. Like I said, I have felt no guilt in this choice. I still feel the spirit in my life daily and to be perfectly honest I feel closer to God than I ever have...including when I was on my mission. The only thing I didn't like about this situation is that I had to lie at church. I had to pretend that I wasn't living this life. Lying is easy to do but it can eat at you. I could have kept up the charade for much longer if I wanted to, but I decided that authenticity is the most important thing to me right now. I have had to lie and pretend my whole life and I done with it. I don't want to wear a mask any longer. If that means the church has to take steps to discipline me...so be it.

How do you feel? Like I mentioned earlier, I was told that I was supposed to feel horrible about being excommunicated. You know how I feel though...I just feel so much peace. I feel the spirit comforting me every day. When I have had second thoughts about this new way of life I am immediately comforted and reminded that this is the right path for me. Do I believe that just because a room full of men told me I no longer have the blessing and privileges of a member of the church that that is true? No, I don't. God is the judge. He has judged my heart and knows me perfectly. I know where I stand with God and I don't need any person to tell me where he thinks I stand. 

Are you still going to go to church? Yes, I am. Simple as that. Like I have said, I still believe in Jesus Christ. I am the same Andy you knew before. I have the same strong testimony, the same desire to become as Christlike as I can, the same desire to serve. Many people will look at me and think that I am just giving up or giving into temptation. They would be wrong. This decision came directly from an answer to prayer and is not something I rationalized myself into doing. I was set and ready to go to spend the rest of my life alone. Aren't you so happy for me now that that doesn't necessarily have to happen. 

A lot of people have asked me if I am okay. I am being completely honest when I say I am great. It is disappointing that it had to come to this, but I am fine with the results. The worst part about it though is knowing what many of you are thinking of me now. If I would have seen myself a year ago I would have been distraught with where my life is at this moment. If I had a friend or family member get excommunicated it would have broken my heart. I know how a lot of you feel and it makes me sad to know how much pain this decision may bring you. Some of you that are reading this may be former leaders of mine, former friends, my mission presidents, members from the wards I served in when I was a missionary, converts that I baptized into the church, former missionary companions, former missionaries I served with, current friends, etc. I KNOW HOW YOU MAY BE FEELING. Just know that I am happy...SOOOO incredibly happy!

Let's face it...as much as we all pretend to know how judgement day will work out...none of us really know. Don't just assume that because I now have an "X" instead of a check on one of my boxes means I am going to hell...because the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not a checklist kind of thing anyways. The reason it took so long to tell all of you this is because of the fear I had that you would no longer think of me the same. Many people have said they look up to me (literally and figuratively) and I may let some of you down. I have to live my life for myself though and the way that I see fit. 

Now you know. I don't know what else to say. Ask me questions all you want...but don't lecture me. If you read my post you know how much thought and time I put into this decision and you know how confident I am in it. Don't waste my time with fire and brimstone. I know everything you want to say to me anyways. Everything. I know what the scriptures say, I know what the prophets say, I know! I hope you can learn to love other more from this post. I hope you can learn that things are not always the way they seem and that is why we should never judge. I am still on the path to becoming my best self...are you?

***As harsh as excommunication may sound, it is not intended to be a punishment or exilement. As a member of the church, you make promises to God to keep his commandments and when you break those commandments you are breaking those sacred promises. Since I have made many covenants with God, excommunication is indented to help me so that I am no longer held accountable to those promises anymore. 

It is also meant to protect the name of the church. Simply put, they don't want people to believe that the lifestyle I have chosen is okay with them. 

It is not supposed to be a means to kick someone out and say they are not welcome. I can still attend church actively. The difference now is I am not considered "worthy" to serve in the church. Our church is run purely by volunteer work. I can no longer serve in any form. I cannot pray in church meetings or give talks anymore. I no longer am a holder of the priesthood which is the power to act in God's name.