Excommunication: What was it really like? (5 years later)

Hello friends! Welcome to my blog :) If this is the first time you have ever read my blog, then I am not surprised. I started this back in 2015 to share my experience of being gay in the Mormon church. This blog changed and went on back-burner when I said goodbye to Mormonism and became just good ol' big gay Andy. 

I am lucky enough to have had over 12,000 people read my words on here. I have shared lots of vulnerable topics about my religious upbringing and coming to terms with my sexuality and I feel like I owe it to the small following that I have to update y'all on the last 5 years, what it was actually like to be excommunicated from the Mormon church, and what I would say to the 2015 version of me. 

Okay...condensed version for those that aren't familiar with my story: I'm the great-great-great grandson of the 2nd prophet of the Mormon church, Brigham Young. I come from a traditional and strong Mormon family where religion was well...just what we did. I went to all the church, youth groups, summer camps, service projects, and even did the whole 2 year mission from age 21-23 in Seattle, Washington. Basically, I was a good Mormon boy. Accepting my gayness took time though because of the out of date teachings the LDS church had on homosexuality that led to the shame, self-hatred, and depression I experienced until I accepted that I was in fact gay. I loved myself for who I was...finally!

Fast forward to a year after I got back from my mission and I was tired of trying to fit into the church as a gay man. There wasn't a spot for me, but I had been indoctrinated to believe that it was the only option I had or I would be faced with eternal hellfire and damnation (I really want to do a post about the terribly damaging affects religion can have on the psychological and social development of children). I was slowly moving away from the beliefs I had been taught since birth and trying to figure out how to simply...exist. It was hard work!!! I finally realized living my authentic life was the right thing to do, but I wanted the church leadership to know that someone like me was a part of their flock. I wanted them to know the real struggle I faced and how I gave it 100%. I could have continued to lie or just never go back, but instead I decided that being excommunicated was my best option for moving forward.

September 22, 2015 was the day of my disciplinary council. I went in front of 15 men in local leadership positions whose job it was to judge my worthiness and standing as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was all very secretive and no one else was allowed into the building. I went in that meeting already knowing what the result would be, but I still answered all their prying detail oriented questions truthfully about my sex life, my "sins," and if I was trying to recruit people to the gay agenda (I literally got asked that). I went in there and looked them all straight in the eye and told them my story. I needed them to know how much I struggled and fought to make it work. I wanted them to know that I did not feel sorry for being gay and that I did not need to repent for being who I was. I needed them to know this so they could get a glimpse of what it was like to be LGBTQ in their gospel and maybe help a struggling gay member in their congregation down the line. I wanted them to know that people like me existed and there were many more of us "apostates." I had tried my whole life to hide so much of who I was, but 5 years ago when I was in front of those men...I wanted to be seen!

My mom came with me to my "disciplinary council" to be supportive even though she wasn't allowed in to witness any of this. After, when I told her that they had indeed decided to excommunicate me she just held me and wept. The fear of letting her down and the people I loved was real and by far the hardest obstacle of leaving this religious cult. Mormonism is more than just a church you go to...it has its own culture. It envelops everything in your life and is what makes leaving so incredibly difficult and scary. I was finally at a point where I wanted to live and just be Andy. That required me to be selfish and to not worry about the sorrow I would bring my Mormon friends and family. I knew I wanted a new life so instead of feeling pain for letting my mom down while she hugged me I felt joy, excitement, and proud of how strong and courageous I was to go in there with my head held high. 

After being excommunicated I had intentions of still trying to worship in some way. At that time I still believed in God and believed he loved me...gayness included. The next Sunday I got word that the leader of the congregation I had been attending decided to announce my excommunication over the pulpit at church to all of my friends. Saying I was hurt and angered by this is an understatement because it felt like a way to discredit and attack me. Excommunication means I was stripped of my membership, baptism, holy ghost, temple ordinances, and priesthood. In addition, excommunicated members are allowed to attend church, but cannot speak publicly, pray, or serve in any capacity (they silence you). I then had a followup meeting with the Stake President (basically in charge of all the Mormons in the city) and he informed me that I would not be allowed to sing in any church functions (when originally he said I would be able to). He had many explanations for why I wasn't allowed to sing in church anymore: I was too well spoken and known by most people in the area, I had this blog and it had a large following, people listened to me and what I said, people loved me and cared about me, I had the power to get others to follow my example, I had influence, and they didn't want people to think that the church was accepting of my life choices. These are all real excuses given by this "man of God."

Looking back it is easy to see all the red-flags screaming that gays don't belong, but I was so indoctrinated that I felt like all I needed was a break from church and that I would go back once I calmed down from how the local leaders handled my situation. 

Then the day that it all finally came crashing down...November 6th, 2015. I was at house party and one of my friends text me a news article about a new proclamation that the church sent out from headquarters in Utah. This new proclamation from the "prophet of the Lord" labeled gays as "apostates" (basically meaning we are condemned). Now...I knew the Mormon church didn't agree with my life...fine...but the second part was the thing that got me. They also said that the children of gay parents would not even be allowed to be baptized if they wanted to be. I interpreted this as "We don't want your gayness so much that we will condemn your children too." After I read that article I didn't say anything to my friends at the party and walked into the back of the house, found a bedroom, and laid on the bed staring at the ceiling. I was in shock. I wasn't crying or even doing much thinking because my brain had almost literally turned off from the pain of that realization: I couldn't associate or believe in a church as hateful as Mormonism. The switch in my head went on and I allowed myself to consider that it was all just bullshit, manipulation, and control. I couldn't handle the pain I felt so I did what any good Mormon does (or former Mormon)...turn off uncomfortable feelings. 5 years later I can look back on that moment and see how hurt and betrayed I felt as I realized I had to cut out Mormonism from my heart like the cancer that it was. 

If I could talk to myself in that vulnerable and difficult moment almost 5 years ago, then I would say this: 

"Andy, it feels like the world is ending right now, but as you heal you will be able to look back on this moment and realize that it was the day that you started living. You feel like everything you know is being flipped upside down, but it is actually being flipped right side up. You have a hard road ahead of you because everything you believed and trusted in will now have to be analyzed and deconstructed if you want to move forward. You will feel like a fish out of water with limited real world coping mechanisms and tools. You will feel alone in this journey, but you don't have to be. You pride yourself in your independence, strength, and courage, but it is okay to let others in to help. You will be an example to others and your words will help MANY other Mormon's realize the depth of control and manipulation that the church was inflicting on their lives. Stop running, stop hiding, stop ignoring! Face your problems and empower them with research. Knowledge will give you and your goals strength and resilience. There are so many people out there that have gone through this same deconstruction process. There are countless resources and people that know what this feels like. Set boundaries, listen to your heart, stand up for what you believe in, and do what makes you happy. Don't look for happiness in the future, but realize that happiness can always be found in the present. Make mistakes and try new things out that you may not have tried before. Accept your past for what it is and learn from it. Don't feel like you missed out or that time was stolen from you because it was all a teaching moment. You are going to have to question every aspect of your character, but know that you are a kind and loving soul not because of what an organization taught you, but because that is who you truly are. The level of psychological abuse that happened to you is significant and you will want to ignore that trauma, but facing the hard truths help you with the healing. Learn how to allow anger to be the fuel towards change. Let yourself  feel that pain and see it as a teacher and friend. DON'T COMPARE YOUR LIFE TO ANYONE ELSE'S BUT YOUR OWN!!!! Realize you don't actually know anything, but as long as you focus on self-love, then things will be okay."

I post these blogs because I see a need for my voice to be heard. Pain is guaranteed, but change is possible if you have the courage to take it one step at a time. 

A Paradigm Shift: I am Finally Getting to Know Who Andy Young Is!

As most of you know, I have had some major changes in who I am over the last couple of years. I am most definitely talking about my shift from becoming Andy Young the Mormon to simply Andy Young. This paradigm shift was extremely exhilarating at first! Like Princess Jasmine, I was exploring a whole new world which was a dazzling place I never knew. I had a new fantastic point of view on life where there was no one to tell me no or where to go! 

Life was simply amazing as I explored my sexuality and my new freedom as I finally let my heart decide. I got accepted to The University of Texas and moved to Austin and fell in love with the school and the city. Then, something happened...the depression that went away when I came out to myself back in 2012....came back. I couldn't understand why! I was happy! I was away from an abusive religion, I was living the "gay lifestyle" (whatever that means haha), and I was free to figure out who I was with no group telling me what I should believe. The thing they didn't tell me when I was leaving the Mormon church was that since I was so fully immersed in its culture, that I would now need to have my own ideas about life, God, my morals, politics, and so on. If you have never had a drastic shift in beliefs before, then just know that it shakes your whole world and it is not something that happens overnight.

Mormonism isn't just a church you simply go to on Sunday. Mormonism wants its members to be drowning (I say drowning and they say immersed...whatever haha) in their culture to keep its members away from the sins of the world and members are ALWAYS kept busy. They tell you exactly what you should believe in if you are to be a "good Mormon." I had no identity except Andy the singing Mormon. 

After I left the church, I was a 23 year old that felt like I knew nothing about the world or my beliefs and it finally got to me. I felt lost, alone, and depressed! Mormonism always had me on a path: baptism, seminary, EFY, eagle scout, graduate, go on a mission, go to college, get married, have kids, become a bishop yourself, and so on. I now had the chance to decide what I wanted to do and what my goals were in life...and that is a lot of reorienting! 

The ONE thing that I miss about being a Mormon is how service oriented it is. I loved and still love helping other people and I no longer had an automatic outlet for that since I left the church. I started feeling guilty because I felt like I was becoming a selfish person. A lot of what I did was for me and no on else. The guilt of being selfish was starting to get to me as I continued to spend so much of my time trying to define who Andy was. I finally had to consciously decided that it was okay that I was being selfish! In my searching, I learned this lesson: 

So I decided to focus just on myself. I finally realized I had a lot of baggage from being Mormon that I had to address. I realized I was angry with Mormonism and Christianity...but I didn't want to be (I've figured that out too and no longer feel those emotions anymore so don't worry). I had to find a way to deal with those unhealthy feelings I had. The biggest idea I had to wrap my head around was discovering what my beliefs were towards a higher power (I settled on atheism if you're curious). It is so hard to describe how much of my life had to change when I walked out of the life I used to live. I no longer saw the world through the "Mormon lense." I had nothing blocking my vision or altering my view anymore.

Fast forward and I recently took a trip to Houston to see family and friends and had a great time. Over the course of that week long trip I kept having different things happen that helped me realize how much I really had changed since I was that fresh new gay boy I was 2 years ago. Then, on my last night in Houston, I was laying in my bed (in a room that was mine when I was a middle schooler), and it just all hit me at once...I finally felt like I knew who Andy Young was!!!!!!!! I finally felt like I knew what I believed in as an individual and no longer as a part of this huge corporation that I was raised in. I could have conversations with my family or friends and I could share what I thought about life. If you are not understanding how significant that is for me, then think about all the small little opinions that make up who you are...there are so so so so so many! 

I went from feeling lost and like a child again to finally realizing I know who Andy is. That is simply a fabulous feeling to have! My reflection finally showed who I was on the inside. 

I have become a completely different person. Can I please say that again for emphasis? I HAVE BECOME A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON! I literally feel like my brain has been rewired to think differently. If you knew Andy Young before you knew he was also gay, then that Andy Young is dead. Memories live on in me. Some of the personality traits that the old Andy had live on in me. I don't even look the same (it just happened that way with my weight loss but it is fun to throw that in there)!

Obviously, I am still a work in progress, but I had to share how great of a feeling it is to start being able to know who I am after feeling so lost. Thank you to all of my friends, followers, and family members that have helped in my journey so far and will continue to help me in becoming my own best self! 

P.S. If you caught a couple of Disney references, it is because I've been listening to Disney a lot lately and so many of their lyrics and stories are simply amazing. Can I start a religion that preaches what Disney teaches us!?!?!?!?!? My friend Jordyn told me, "one thing about Disney music is that Howard Ashman had a big hand in writing music/lyrics for a lot of them. Sometimes when you think about it that way you're like...Oh! This is written from the perspective of a gay man!"

A Letter to In The Closet Andy

I was going to record myself reading this letter to myself but I couldn't do it without crying like a baby so here is what I want to say to myself:

Dear in the closet Andy,

I'm writing to you as a 24 year old version of yourself. Let me just start out by saying, YOU'RE SKINNY! Pretty exciting, right?  A lot has happened in your life; good and bad things. You've seen a lot of bad so far and unfortunately had to face those things alone and afraid to let anyone in on your struggles. The future literally terrifies you when you think of it. Just the thought of where you will be in the next few years makes you wish you could die instead of continuing to live in the pain that you feel everyday. You try your very best to ignore the reason why you are in pain and don't want to live. In fact, you do that so well that you somehow convince yourself that you aren't actually gay. It is amazing what the mind can do. Your biggest desire in life is to feel accepted and loved by those around you. I think you believe that you are not loved. You think so low of yourself. The desire you feel to be accepted leads you to try and gain acceptance from everyone, including the church we were raised in. You've always been told that the most happiness you can feel is when you are living the way the church teaches you to live. Why are you so unhappy then? One of your biggest fears in life is that you are a homosexual. You have convinced yourself that the reason you like looking at guys is because you are obese and admire the male figure and simply wish you looked like them. You ignore the fact that the female body has absolutely no interest to you. If you have any say in it, you will never let anyone know that you have watched gay porn. You think that if people knew the truth, then they would not accept you. You are afraid that other guys would be scared to be around you for fear of thinking you're attracted to them. You are afraid your parents will be disappointed in what you are. You are afraid the church you were raised in will label you as a sinner and vile. You are afraid that you won't be able to go into public without being a target for cruel words and actions. You are afraid that your friends will no longer be there. You. Are. Afraid. You are so afraid that you just pretend everything's okay. 

This is what I wish you knew Andy. If only your closeted self could REALLY be reading this! First off, you are definitely gay. I would say, "I hate to break the news to you," but I really do wish you knew that. You don't just admire the male body because you're fat. You are actually going to lose 140 pounds and become a very attractive man and many MANY women will state their case for why you should be with them, but guess what...you'll still like men.

I wish you could see what the Mormon church is doing to you. It is the main reason you are unhappy, if not the sole cause of your unhappiness. Get away as soon as you can. It won't be easy because Mormonism truly is a culture and your life. You will be shunned by some and judged by others, but their opinions don't matter. It is amazing how the church spins this web that is so encompassing and intricate that it will be so difficult for you to leave, but you are so strong Andy! You will be an example to many for your courage. You don't feel courageous, but there is a bright fire in you if you let it burn. You will finally stop pleading with God to change you and instead you will pray for opportunities to grow and live a happy life.

I wish you knew that you are loved. There are so many people that support you and wish for your success. Your fan pool will grow immensely though as you become more confident and happy throughout the years. You need to let go of the shame you feel for who you are. Just let it go (there will be a song about that). You need to realize absolutely nothing is wrong with your sexuality. Nothing! Be confident in your instincts and abilities. You are fucking awesome and the sooner you realize that the sooner you'll start soaring. It's okay to make mistakes, I promise! I know you are perfectionist, but failure is a chance to learn and grow. Living conservatively will never get you to your largest potential. Have fun along the way! Drink alcohol (responsibly of course)! It's not this scary monster that you should avoid like the plague. It helps you loosen up and learn to take risks. It's also really fun! Get a tattoo or two. Make out with lots of guys. Go on random adventures with strangers. Make friends everywhere you go. What I'm trying to say again and again is DON'T BE AFRAID! Don't be afraid to live life and make mistakes. There is only one Andy in the world so make the most of your talents and abilities. You don't have to be like anyone else, that is what makes YOU amazing!

So in closing, just know your life is going to get better in literally every aspect! Suicide is not the option. You are going to be successful at what you do. You are going to have incredible friends that love you. You are going to be so happy you cannot even comprehend it right now!

Look at you! 

If only you had known a little sooner about the life you could have lead instead of the life you thought you had to lead. Have no regrets Andy! 

Love, 

Your future, fabulously happy, out of the closet, beautiful, gay self, Andy

P.S. Stay away from the fireworks on the Fourth of July in 2015. You burn a hole in one of your favorite shirts 

Do I Sound Gay?

Is there such a thing as a "gay voice?" If there is, how does one learn to speak with a gay voice? Can you tell a person is gay simply by listening to the way they talk? 

As I was growing up, it was a tradition in my family to be "interviewed" each year on our birthdays. It was always something that I would look forward to with anticipation. I think the most thrilling part of it was the fact that the spotlight was on me and my brothers and sisters had to keep their mouths shut! My parents would video tape us on our respective birthdays and ask us questions like, "What's your favorite color? Who is your best friend? What's your favorite movie?" It was meant to be a glimpse at where we were at in our lives. After the filming was over we were always excited to watch it and see how it turned out, of course. I still remember (to this day) the first time I realized I sounded like a girl. 

It was probably on my 5th or 6th birthday interview and as I listened to myself speak in the video I thought, "That's not my voice. I don't sound like that. I sound like a girl in this video." I hated my voice! I didn't want to sound like a girl! Even at that early of an age I knew I needed to change the way I sounded. It was not because I understood what being gay was back then, but because I knew I was a boy and was supposed to sound like one. 

One of the great things about kids is that most of the time they don't really care about what is cool and what is not. They can dance, sing, have messy hair, and not be embarrassed by it. Insecurities seem to arise a little later in life when we become teenagers. With that being said, I still was aware of the way I talked and tried to not talk so feminine. No, it wasn't a constant thought, but it crossed my mind many times. It got to the point when I was 8 or 9 that I was very confused and frustrated with my life (as frustrated as an 8 or 9 year old can be). I was frustrated because I was supposed to be a boy and like boy things yet I sounded like a girl. Not only did I sound like a girl, but I liked so many girly things too: painting my nails, pink being my favorite color (pink purse, pink ranger, pink everything), Disney Princess' were the best thing ever (especially Belle). So I came to the most logical conclusion any 8 year old would...if I sounded like, and acted more like a girl than a boy, then I had to be a girl *(see note at bottom). I remember exactly how I felt when I came to that irrational conclusion. I was hiding in the bathroom, crying my head off because I wanted to be a girl. I thought God had made a mistake and put me in a boy's body when in fact I was a girl. Those feelings haunted me for a while. I had no way to deal with it other than just trying to hide it and pretend I didn't feel that way. I'm not saying I became a man's man after that, but I tried my hardest to be like the other boys. I tried hard to not sound so feminine. I tried not to acknowledge some of my more girly interests for fear or people judging me. 

As I grew a little bit in maturity and age I started to have a better understanding of what being gay meant. I started hiding parts of me and altering my behavior for a different reason then I used to. I hid so no one would think I was gay instead of hiding because I thought people would think I was a girl. I was still putting a mask on, but for different reasons. If you've read some of my other posts, then you know that I didn't really think I was gay at that time in my life. I just knew I didn't want anyone to think I was gay...because in my mind...I wasn't.

I felt like I did a pretty good job hiding my feminine side as I got older (or maybe I didn't...and I was just fooling myself, I don't know). That came at a price though. I had to put a mask on every day of my life. It was a conscious thing that I did.

Even after accepting that I was gay when I was 21 years old, I still kept the mask on. I was about to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I did want any of my missionary companions to suspect that I was gay. I was forced to live with these guys and be around them 24/7. That would have been terribly awkward for both of us if they found out. When I got home from my mission I started thinking about taking some of those walls down. It was nice to not have to filter everything that came out of my mouth. I slowly was able to allow myself to tap into my real self; The self I tried so hard to abandon when I was younger. Then, I came out publicly in February and that was a huge leap. I had no fear anymore of people finding out that I was gay! I could be myself. It was, and has been amazing!

Then a funny thing happened just the other day. I heard a recording of myself and in that recording I was speaking. I was thrown back for a second...I sounded gay...! Just like when I was a little kid, I didn't recognize my voice. I thought to myself, "I don't really sound like that, do I?" Isn't that the weirdest response ever! Me,...Andy...gay...surprised...that I sounded gay...? I guess it has just been a gradual change that I didn't notice my voice had changed so much! Before some of you start thinking that this is something that us gay guys just do to be flamboyant...please rethink that. It is not some "show" that we put on. It is not to get "attention". The show I put on for most of my life was the show of masculinity and trying to hide my femininity. I am done with the shows now people! I had a flamboyant voice since I was a kid...before I even knew what being gay meant or was...before I had even been around gay people. This is my voice...and I love it! I am fabulous! 

When you listen to people talk, do you ever categorize them by the way they sound? They are gay or they are straight. To be honest...I catch myself doing that sometimes and I hate myself when I do. Even though I am guilty of that at times, does that mean I am wrong....YES! Sounding gay is available to everyone. I won't get into the science of it all, but we learn how to speak at a young age. Some people take on attributes of speaking from women in their lives and some take it from men in their lives. I have known many people that sound as gay as unicorn...but are actually straight. I have met many gay guys that are super masculine. Does it seem like a lot of gay guys have feminine voices...yeah! I am sure there is a reason for that...but I commit to stop putting people in a box and assuming things right away. What about you?

I really don't like it when people judge people for how flamboyant people are. Many people have said things to me like, "Why do gay guys have to put on such a show? Their rainbows, makeup, voices, dress, attitude, etc." Are some of the things you see a show...probably...but MOST ARE NOT! This is who we are people! It's not a show for me! We are gay...gay used to mean happy! Accept us for who we are, *Me taking a bow* (Applause, applause)

*Even though at an early age I believed I was a girl...I wanted to be clear and say that I do not feel that way now. I believed that because it was the only conclusion I could come up with at the time. I want to be clear, not because there is anything wrong with transgendered people, but because some people might get that mixed up. Sexual orientation and gender identity are completely different things. They are not related. Just because someone is transgendered does not mean they are gay and visa versa. 

I'll Never Be Called "Daddy"

I'm 9 years old and it's recess time! My favorite time of the day (except for lunch of course). ALL of my classmates and I have difficulty trying to contain our excitement as we have to walk in a single file line down the hall. I just want to run, scream, jump, and play. The walk to the outside door seems like miles but when I am finally through the door and into the sunlight I run straight for my normal play spot. I get to the shade under the trees-away from the soccer field and basketball court. Most of my male counterparts are off playing sports and getting all sweaty. I, however, am ready to play house with all the girls. I am the dad and I have a wife, kids, and a dog named "Beefy". We have a beautiful house with blue shutters. I have a job making all the money I need. I have 2 cars. I have everything!

That perfect life I created in my imagination was something that I always dreamed of. I have wanted to be a dad my entire life. I even had a journal entirely dedicated to how I would raise my children and what kind of dad I would be. I love kids so much. I love their innocence. I love how you can't stay angry at them. Kids can dream big, even though they throw a tantrum now and then, and they have pure hearts. I had the opportunity to be a preschool teacher when I was in high school. I was a depressed person in those years of my life but every single time I went to preschool to teach the kids I would leave smiling. I would forget my troubles when I spent time with them because kids are just that awesome.

I think having this picture perfect life with a wife, 2.5 kids, a house, 2 cars, and a dog, is what made accepting the fact that I was gay so hard and why it took so long. I did not want to accept the idea that I could not have kids. Of all the things in life, a career, spouse, fame, intelligence, you name it, I wanted to be a dad more than anything. I finally have accepted that that will probably never happen.

The idea that I can never have kids is what breaks my heart the most about being gay. The all too familiar, "Why, oh why would you do this to me God?" pops into my head. Doesn't God want me to be a father and have a family? Why would he do this to me?

This last year I have really come to realize that my life isn't turning out at all how I thought it would. Maybe that means I am finally an adult...? (Nahhhh) I've also come to realize that that is OKAY! So I will never have someone to call me daddy...it sucks, but oh well. I will never have a tiny little guy that I can tuck in, sing lullabies to, teach how to ride a bike, be a friend and mentor to...that breaks my heart, but that's life. There are many people in life that never get this or that no matter how they desire it...that is life.

What can I do then? Well...obviously there is not a 100% chance that I will never have kids...anything is possible. But before you get your hopes up ladies, lets just say that the chances of me having kids, however low they are, is more likely to happen with a partner of the same sex then with a woman (sorry girls...it just won't ever work). So my best bet now is to be the best gosh darn uncle there ever was! I only have one nephew so far but my brothers and sister better make many many more :) So just warning you Tyler, Spencer, Lauren, and Sierra...uncle Andy is always going to be the favorite ;)

This blog isn't supposed to be about me and how sad my life can be sometimes. I try to help people understand more about LGBT issues and be YOUR best self. The lesson I get from this is that you can't always get what you want. No matter how "good" of a want that may be. You are dealt cards unlike any other person in the history of the world. Why would you be just like someone else? That is boring! Live your life to the fullest and don't let anything slow you down.

Control Your Own Happiness

It has been 6 months since coming out! That has caused some pondering on my part add I look back over these months. With that pondering I remember some questions that some of you might have asked me...

I have been asked many times things like,

"Was it worth it?"

"Are you glad that you came out?"

"Have people treated you differently?"

"Are you happier?"

"Did you realize how much people would pay attention to your life after coming out?"

"Would you do it again?"

P.S. You really can ask me anything! I've had lots of people ask me questions about just about anything and everything. Please don't feel embarrassed or shy if you really do have a question! Just private message me.

Yes, it was worth it, I am so glad that I came out and wish I would have done it sooner, yes, people have treated me differently...but in a good way, I couldn't be happier, I did realize that people would watch me more closely after coming out (that is one of the reasons I did it), and I would make the same decision a thousand more times.

People have also called me courageous and that it took a lot of guts to do what I did. I don't really like  it when people say that though. Yes, it was a decision that I did not make lightly. Yes, I would be lying if I said my heart wasn't racing before I hit "Post" on Facebook saying that I was gay. BUT...it didn't feel like a courageous act. I saw it as a way to be happier with my life. I saw it as a way to stop lying intentionally and lying by the sin of omission. I saw it as a way to stop torturing myself, to stop hiding, to stop feeling ashamed of who I was, to educate others about LGBT people. So as you can see...I felt like I was doing this for selfish reasons. As I have been writing this post I'm starting to realize that it may have required more courage than I first thought. Maybe this post should be about courage then...

This quote couldn't be more true for me! Courage is facing fears and that is exactly what I did. I had a few concerns of course before coming out. "What if people treat me differently? What if people turn away from me? What if other guys feel uncomfortable around me now? What if I lose potential opportunities because of prejudices?" Then I started to realize that almost all of my fears about coming out were based on what other people thought of me. How stupid of me was that! I was letting other people control my own happiness. Like I said when I first came out, coming out was not for any of you! Coming out was for me! Most people don't really care that I came out. It doesn't really change much for them at all. I needed to get rid of all of those barriers I created throughout my life. I needed to dissolve the part of me that cared about what others thought of me.

One of the major factors that influenced my decision to come out was from my best friend. She moved to Colorado shortly before I left on my mission. As you can imagine, I couldn't wait to visit her after I got home. I was able to spend 3 weeks with her in Colorado shortly after coming home from my mission. I bring this up because I had never felt so free than those 3 weeks with her! The only people I knew in Colorado were her and her family. They all knew I was gay so I could be myself. I could talk about how beautiful Chris Hemsworth was in the Thor movie we watched.

I mean...come on! Look at that beautiful man! 

I could go shopping for hours if only to look at fabulous clothes and joke about wearing girls clothing. I could talk how I wanted, dress how I wanted, act how I wanted, without fear of someone discovering or assuming that I was gay. I don't know, maybe you're thinking that those are small things, but to me, not having those boundaries was a colossal thing. Later, when I was contemplating the idea of coming out, it was people like Jordyn and her family that mattered. I already had unconditional love from them and that's all I cared about. I knew that there was a chance that I could lose some friends when I decided to be true to myself, but they weren't worth my time if something like that could change their opinion of me. If you have to pretend to be someone that you are not so that your friends accept you...then maybe they are not your friends.

Sometimes the only way to grow in life is to take leaps of faith. At times those leaps will seem like a small jump and other times it may seem like trying to cross the Grand Canyon. For most of my life I felt like I was stuck on one side of that canyon with no way across, but there is almost always a way! Letting go of the fear of judgement from others is such an important thing to me now. Be true to yourself! Live your life so that you are happy. Love everyone for who they are. Love yourself! Stop feeling guilty about everything. Stop trying to be who you think your are supposed to be and be who you are. If you end up making a mistake, then pick yourself back up and keep trying. This life is about becoming something better everyday. SO what are you going to do to take risks and become better?

P.S. I would never try to persuade someone to come out. Coming out is a very personal decision and one that should be done completely by the individual. There is a small chance that someone that is reading this is still in the closet though. If I were to say anything to you, then I would say that it was worth it for me. I highly recommend it :)

I Am Loved

(I decided to switch which site I used for my blog so this post was actually posted on February 15, 2015)

SO I came out to Facebook this last week. It’s been exciting, emotional, and scary to say the least! But this picture:

may have left you wondering things like, “Well, what exactly does that mean? Is he leaving the church? How did he get so skinny? Does he have a boyfriend? What was he thinking? How is his hair so amazing? How long has he know he was gay? Why does he look so happy? How tall is he (well that is just a question that everyone has when they see me so I thought I would include it). It’s all confusing isn’t it? Yes, deciding to post something that I have kept so secretive and personal for my whole life was TERRIFYING but later on you will see why it was worth it for me. Deciding to post it was actually an easier decision than deciding which shirt I should wear in the picture (purple is the winner I guess). I am always really good about recording my thoughts and experiences in a journal and so I took the opportunity to try and record some of my experiences I have had in my life so you could maybe get a glimpse into my brain and where I am coming from with this new announcement.

The Challenge to Become

I was not born into this life as a finished product. I am like the caterpillar that can change into a butterfly, the coal that changes into the diamond, the grain of sand that changes into a pearl. Some of these changes take long periods of time before the desired result is achieved. I know that I was born with weaknesses. God expects me to finish my story better than when I started it.

Epiphany

The day was April 7th, 2012. I was at my best friend’s house hanging out. Her cousin was also there, and my best friend decided to show us both a video she had stumbled upon. All she told us about the video was that she thought it was a cool thing that some students put together at BYU. The video was called, "It Gets Better at BYU." I sat there watching and realized that the video was a compilation of BYU students that were gay. I was in shock. The video was the last thing I had expected, yet it pierced my heart to the very center. I had to fight back the tears (Hey guys, I learned that the secret to not crying is to just never breathe). These students were saying that they were attracted to those of the same gender, and that this was okay because there was no sin in the attraction itself. My mind had been turned upside down. I never had even considered that being attracted to another guy was not a sin. I had so many emotions going through me all at once that I did not know what to think. Part of me wanted to scream out to my friends at the end of the video, “I’m gay!” However, I still had years of barriers and walls put up around me that left me terrified of the unknown and the newness of this revelation. My courage failed me that night, but I definitely had a lot to think about.

Concealed Pain

Let’s rewind to what it was like for me growing up. I was a happy child who was afraid of the dark, but not afraid to show my feelings. I was the kid whose goal in life was to become the pink Power Ranger, whose favorite toy was his Belle doll from Beauty and the Beast, who carried around his pink purse everywhere he went, much to my dad’s chagrin.

I started to realize when I got older, and started going to school, that those things were not normal for boys to like. I slowly started trying to fit in with the “norm.” As the years passed, I continued to suppress any traits that might have been considered “gay.” I ended up being very “homophobic” throughout my life. I would make fun of the openly gay guys at my school. I disliked them and thought they were disgusting. In reality, I feared and hated myself so much that it led to that fear and hatred to be projected towards all gay people. I put on a mask, and this mask became part of my identity. I did not do this because I thought I was gay, but because it was simply not normal for guys to like those sorts of things.

I experienced a lot of confusion through the years. As most of my peers were developing strong feelings towards girls and started noticing them I wasn’t catching on to the same thing they were. In church we were always taught to bridle our passions so I thought I was doing an exceptional job at that. I couldn’t help but notice the other guys changing in the locker rooms though. Wasn’t I supposed to want to look at women, right? I still had not accepted that I was gay at this time (I am pretty stubborn guys). I was always taught that being gay was a choice. Any thought of even the possibility that I could be gay was quickly hidden and locked away with the key thrown out. I had never made that choice, so as far as I was concerned, I was not gay. I tried every angle to convince myself that I was not gay. I thought my attraction to women maybe just hadn’t come on yet. I convinced myself that I simply admired other men’s bodies. I had always been overweight growing up, and I thought that contributed to my desire to look like these beautiful men. I subconsciously told myself all of these lies to avoid facing the monster that I felt was inside of me.

The Call to Serve

After I graduated high school things started to go down the drain. I no longer could live under the wing of being an adolescent. I had to face the monstrosity I had locked away long ago. I have an early birthday in the school year, so all of a sudden I realized that I was expected to go on a mission in just a few short months when I turned 19. However, I had never had a desire to serve a mission. Church was not that important to me. I had a very weak testimony. Even though I had no desire to serve a mission, I knew that I needed to. At the very root of my soul, I knew the Church was true, even if my actions were not aligned with the gospel at that time. As I look back on my life now, I realize I was given a special gift from my Father in Heaven. That gift is that I have never doubted the truthfulness of His gospel. I strongly believe that this has been a perfect counter for my same-sex attraction. It has kept me from leaving when I wanted more than anything to give in and live a gay lifestyle.

I was still convinced that to go on a mission I couldn’t be attracted to guys. I tried everything I could think of but just couldn’t understand why boobs were so interesting. I thought I was not trying hard enough to change. Consequently, I read my scriptures more often, prayed more fervently, and served as much as I could in the Church. I even fasted every other day for a two-week period in hopes that God would answer my one prayer: to take away this attraction. He never did answer the way I wanted. No matter what I did, I could not shake off this fascination with men.

At this point, I believed God simply did not love me or care about me enough to grant me what was, in my mind, a righteous desire. I felt as if I was the only person in the Church that experienced this problem since I never heard it mentioned. It drove me into a deep depression. I hated myself because I wasn’t strong enough to become “straight.” I did a pretty good job hiding the broken person I was on the inside. The key is to just smile even though my heart was broken on the inside. No one knew that I was thinking of suicide and would cry myself to sleep every night because of the crushing despair I felt. I knew suicide was not an option because, again, somewhere deep inside, I knew the Church was true. Yet that didn't stop me from wishing I could die and pleading that I would not have to wake up the next morning. I felt trapped. Any thought of the future left me in agony.

If I ever did hear homosexuality mentioned at church, it was always in a negative context. The thought the Church was saying that homosexuality was a sin, abomination, perversion, repugnant, unnatural, vile, and a disease. Can you imagine how I felt when I heard these messages? I used to think that this referred to anyone that had an attraction to the same gender. So I felt as if God had cursed me. I felt dirty. I felt like I should not exist. This terrible self-deprecation went on for almost 2 years. I now had no desire to go on a mission or to even go to Church for that matter. Prayer was nonexistent. Hope was not even a serious thought. This was the darkest place I have ever been in my life.

Newfound Hope

I graduated high school in 2010, and I was in this broken state until the night my friend showed me the video, “It Gets Better at Brigham Young University.” My life changed forever after that moment. As I drove home that night, I was crying with joy. My view of myself had completely changed. I was worthy to go on a mission. The attraction was not a sin. God did love me. In the midst of all of these feelings, I realized I needed to accept myself for who I was. I then verbally said to myself in the car, "Andy, you are gay!" There are absolutely no words to describe the joy I felt at that moment and the love I felt from God (I can’t imagine what the guy in the car next to me thought as he saw me crying and laughing and smiling and dancing all at the same time). It had to be one of the happiest moments of my life!

I still remember waking up that next morning—Easter Sunday. I went to the bathroom to get ready for Church and looked at myself in the mirror, and it shocked me. I saw something different than I normally did. I saw something beautiful. I saw a child of God. I saw myself as God sees me. I just cried (and smiled and laughed and danced again).

I didn't hate the thing staring back at me anymore. I had never been so happy in my entire life. It was the most pure form of joy that I have ever experienced. For the first time in a long time I loved myself and accepted who I was. Everything was different from that moment forward.

This newfound hope helped me finally decide that it was time to serve a mission. I had my papers in very quickly and ended up leaving for my mission a little over five months after that first epiphany in April. To be honest, I still had a very little desire to serve a mission, but I drew strength from my Savior’s example. Jesus Christ did not want to have to endure the suffering that would be a result from His performing the Atonement. He asked His Father if there was a less excruciating way, but these seven words changed the world, “Nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done” (Luke 22:42). It was okay that I did not want to serve a mission. All God cared about was if I overcame my own desires and put my Father’s will in front of my own.

The Field is White

Going on a mission was a huge leap of faith for me, and I remember having some reservations. I remember feeling overwhelmed when I had the realization that I was willingly volunteering to surround myself with young, clean cut, well-dressed guys for whom I was not supposed to develop romantic feelings. I would be expected to live with a guy and be around him 24/7. What was I thinking? My mission was incredibly difficult and at the same time extremely rewarding. I was able to understand my attractions so much more as I was forced to interact with other Elders.

I had my ups and downs during those two years, but I was ultimately able to serve an honorable mission. Even though being a missionary was difficult for me, it was still the most rewarding two years of my life, and I wouldn’t trade the experiences I had for anything. I am the man I am today largely because of the growth I experienced from my time in Seattle.

Facing Reality

I think one of the hardest things about this trial in my life has been the loneliness; the realization that if I follow what the church teaches then I will never be in a romantic relationship in this life. With this struggle, I feel two opposing forces pulling me in different directions. At times, I find myself stuck right in the middle of this battle. It is a terrible feeling that takes away all of my motivation. I can feel my heart break as if it has been left in hundreds of pieces. I feel as if my heart weighs ten times its weight. I feel like I am getting stretched too far and am about to snap. There is a constant resistance that drives me crazy.

This opposition sometimes leads me to feel overcome with questions and doubts. Will I stray from what I know to be true? Will I stay faithful to the covenants I have made? Will I be able to endure a challenge like this for the rest of my life? It is days like these where I have to slow down and simply worry about what I will do right now, at this very moment. I am going to be very open, honest and vulnerable with my words (as if this whole thing isn’t me being open), I do not know the answers to those questions I just presented. There are some that may be thinking, “Well, that is such an easy answer Andy! You need to…never give up on the gospel (or I also know many of you would say that I should be true to who I am and forget this whole Mormon thing). I wish there was a way for you to get into my head and see how I think and why I make decisions. But I can’t do that. Whatever happens in the future for me just know that you are not in my shoes! You don’t know what it is like to be Andy. Only I do and only God does. There is no space for you to judge me in any of my choices (whether you think I am crazy for not being with a man or if you think I am a failure if I do decide to be with a man). Just do what Jesus would do—love me!

Facing the Future with Hope

The growth and changes I have made in my life would not be possible without the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement heals me when I wound myself by making stupid mistakes. The enabling power of the Atonement is what allows me to become better. When I feel like I cannot perform a hard task, when there are no more tears to cry, when I want to give up, He is there, if I let Him. Knowing what my Savior did for me changes everything. “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind...and he will take upon him their infirmities that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11-12). In those moments when I feel completely alone, I remind myself that my Savior knows exactly what I am going through. With this thought, I can overcome what I am facing at that moment. All that seems unfair in life can be made right through the Atonement. The Atonement is so real to me.

My decision to come out over Facebook probably gives you a sign of where I am at with my acceptance of this all. I don’t care what people think so it was time to stop hiding. It is so exhausting pretending to be straight! I can now be myself around people. I couldn’t be happier now that I am out. I can be myself and not have to stress anymore.

I don’t have all of the answers. I still struggle with doubts and depression sometimes. I definitely do not have it all figured out. That is to be expected. My message of hope is simply that God loves all of His children. That we all have struggles we are working on. That suffering in silence is no bueno! That we all need to just love ourselves. This hope I feel has led me to be completely satisfied with my life right now. All God wants is for us to live to the best of our ability, knowing we are going to make mistakes along the way. I can imagine my fifteen-year-old self not understanding why I am about to say this, but I am incredibly grateful for this trial in my life! I would not trade my cross with anyone. I have been able to develop as a son of God as I pass through the fiery furnace of affliction. This affliction is to help me become the butterfly, the diamond, and the pearl. I would not have the relationship with my Father in Heaven that I have today if my life was a walk in the park. “I have learned that in this life our enemies can become our choicest friends; the secret is in learning what to do with the conflict” (Joanne D. Smith, “Annette’s Halo,” Ensign, Sept. 1991). Thank you all for all of the support and love you have sent my way. The response has really been overwhelming. Gosh, I just love myself so much and you should love yourself too! I am AMAZING (in a NON-narcissistic, self-centered, conceited sort of way)!