Excommunication: What was it really like? (5 years later)

Hello friends! Welcome to my blog :) If this is the first time you have ever read my blog, then I am not surprised. I started this back in 2015 to share my experience of being gay in the Mormon church. This blog changed and went on back-burner when I said goodbye to Mormonism and became just good ol' big gay Andy. 

I am lucky enough to have had over 12,000 people read my words on here. I have shared lots of vulnerable topics about my religious upbringing and coming to terms with my sexuality and I feel like I owe it to the small following that I have to update y'all on the last 5 years, what it was actually like to be excommunicated from the Mormon church, and what I would say to the 2015 version of me. 

Okay...condensed version for those that aren't familiar with my story: I'm the great-great-great grandson of the 2nd prophet of the Mormon church, Brigham Young. I come from a traditional and strong Mormon family where religion was well...just what we did. I went to all the church, youth groups, summer camps, service projects, and even did the whole 2 year mission from age 21-23 in Seattle, Washington. Basically, I was a good Mormon boy. Accepting my gayness took time though because of the out of date teachings the LDS church had on homosexuality that led to the shame, self-hatred, and depression I experienced until I accepted that I was in fact gay. I loved myself for who I was...finally!

Fast forward to a year after I got back from my mission and I was tired of trying to fit into the church as a gay man. There wasn't a spot for me, but I had been indoctrinated to believe that it was the only option I had or I would be faced with eternal hellfire and damnation (I really want to do a post about the terribly damaging affects religion can have on the psychological and social development of children). I was slowly moving away from the beliefs I had been taught since birth and trying to figure out how to simply...exist. It was hard work!!! I finally realized living my authentic life was the right thing to do, but I wanted the church leadership to know that someone like me was a part of their flock. I wanted them to know the real struggle I faced and how I gave it 100%. I could have continued to lie or just never go back, but instead I decided that being excommunicated was my best option for moving forward.

September 22, 2015 was the day of my disciplinary council. I went in front of 15 men in local leadership positions whose job it was to judge my worthiness and standing as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was all very secretive and no one else was allowed into the building. I went in that meeting already knowing what the result would be, but I still answered all their prying detail oriented questions truthfully about my sex life, my "sins," and if I was trying to recruit people to the gay agenda (I literally got asked that). I went in there and looked them all straight in the eye and told them my story. I needed them to know how much I struggled and fought to make it work. I wanted them to know that I did not feel sorry for being gay and that I did not need to repent for being who I was. I needed them to know this so they could get a glimpse of what it was like to be LGBTQ in their gospel and maybe help a struggling gay member in their congregation down the line. I wanted them to know that people like me existed and there were many more of us "apostates." I had tried my whole life to hide so much of who I was, but 5 years ago when I was in front of those men...I wanted to be seen!

My mom came with me to my "disciplinary council" to be supportive even though she wasn't allowed in to witness any of this. After, when I told her that they had indeed decided to excommunicate me she just held me and wept. The fear of letting her down and the people I loved was real and by far the hardest obstacle of leaving this religious cult. Mormonism is more than just a church you go to...it has its own culture. It envelops everything in your life and is what makes leaving so incredibly difficult and scary. I was finally at a point where I wanted to live and just be Andy. That required me to be selfish and to not worry about the sorrow I would bring my Mormon friends and family. I knew I wanted a new life so instead of feeling pain for letting my mom down while she hugged me I felt joy, excitement, and proud of how strong and courageous I was to go in there with my head held high. 

After being excommunicated I had intentions of still trying to worship in some way. At that time I still believed in God and believed he loved me...gayness included. The next Sunday I got word that the leader of the congregation I had been attending decided to announce my excommunication over the pulpit at church to all of my friends. Saying I was hurt and angered by this is an understatement because it felt like a way to discredit and attack me. Excommunication means I was stripped of my membership, baptism, holy ghost, temple ordinances, and priesthood. In addition, excommunicated members are allowed to attend church, but cannot speak publicly, pray, or serve in any capacity (they silence you). I then had a followup meeting with the Stake President (basically in charge of all the Mormons in the city) and he informed me that I would not be allowed to sing in any church functions (when originally he said I would be able to). He had many explanations for why I wasn't allowed to sing in church anymore: I was too well spoken and known by most people in the area, I had this blog and it had a large following, people listened to me and what I said, people loved me and cared about me, I had the power to get others to follow my example, I had influence, and they didn't want people to think that the church was accepting of my life choices. These are all real excuses given by this "man of God."

Looking back it is easy to see all the red-flags screaming that gays don't belong, but I was so indoctrinated that I felt like all I needed was a break from church and that I would go back once I calmed down from how the local leaders handled my situation. 

Then the day that it all finally came crashing down...November 6th, 2015. I was at house party and one of my friends text me a news article about a new proclamation that the church sent out from headquarters in Utah. This new proclamation from the "prophet of the Lord" labeled gays as "apostates" (basically meaning we are condemned). Now...I knew the Mormon church didn't agree with my life...fine...but the second part was the thing that got me. They also said that the children of gay parents would not even be allowed to be baptized if they wanted to be. I interpreted this as "We don't want your gayness so much that we will condemn your children too." After I read that article I didn't say anything to my friends at the party and walked into the back of the house, found a bedroom, and laid on the bed staring at the ceiling. I was in shock. I wasn't crying or even doing much thinking because my brain had almost literally turned off from the pain of that realization: I couldn't associate or believe in a church as hateful as Mormonism. The switch in my head went on and I allowed myself to consider that it was all just bullshit, manipulation, and control. I couldn't handle the pain I felt so I did what any good Mormon does (or former Mormon)...turn off uncomfortable feelings. 5 years later I can look back on that moment and see how hurt and betrayed I felt as I realized I had to cut out Mormonism from my heart like the cancer that it was. 

If I could talk to myself in that vulnerable and difficult moment almost 5 years ago, then I would say this: 

"Andy, it feels like the world is ending right now, but as you heal you will be able to look back on this moment and realize that it was the day that you started living. You feel like everything you know is being flipped upside down, but it is actually being flipped right side up. You have a hard road ahead of you because everything you believed and trusted in will now have to be analyzed and deconstructed if you want to move forward. You will feel like a fish out of water with limited real world coping mechanisms and tools. You will feel alone in this journey, but you don't have to be. You pride yourself in your independence, strength, and courage, but it is okay to let others in to help. You will be an example to others and your words will help MANY other Mormon's realize the depth of control and manipulation that the church was inflicting on their lives. Stop running, stop hiding, stop ignoring! Face your problems and empower them with research. Knowledge will give you and your goals strength and resilience. There are so many people out there that have gone through this same deconstruction process. There are countless resources and people that know what this feels like. Set boundaries, listen to your heart, stand up for what you believe in, and do what makes you happy. Don't look for happiness in the future, but realize that happiness can always be found in the present. Make mistakes and try new things out that you may not have tried before. Accept your past for what it is and learn from it. Don't feel like you missed out or that time was stolen from you because it was all a teaching moment. You are going to have to question every aspect of your character, but know that you are a kind and loving soul not because of what an organization taught you, but because that is who you truly are. The level of psychological abuse that happened to you is significant and you will want to ignore that trauma, but facing the hard truths help you with the healing. Learn how to allow anger to be the fuel towards change. Let yourself  feel that pain and see it as a teacher and friend. DON'T COMPARE YOUR LIFE TO ANYONE ELSE'S BUT YOUR OWN!!!! Realize you don't actually know anything, but as long as you focus on self-love, then things will be okay."

I post these blogs because I see a need for my voice to be heard. Pain is guaranteed, but change is possible if you have the courage to take it one step at a time. 

A Letter to In The Closet Andy

I was going to record myself reading this letter to myself but I couldn't do it without crying like a baby so here is what I want to say to myself:

Dear in the closet Andy,

I'm writing to you as a 24 year old version of yourself. Let me just start out by saying, YOU'RE SKINNY! Pretty exciting, right?  A lot has happened in your life; good and bad things. You've seen a lot of bad so far and unfortunately had to face those things alone and afraid to let anyone in on your struggles. The future literally terrifies you when you think of it. Just the thought of where you will be in the next few years makes you wish you could die instead of continuing to live in the pain that you feel everyday. You try your very best to ignore the reason why you are in pain and don't want to live. In fact, you do that so well that you somehow convince yourself that you aren't actually gay. It is amazing what the mind can do. Your biggest desire in life is to feel accepted and loved by those around you. I think you believe that you are not loved. You think so low of yourself. The desire you feel to be accepted leads you to try and gain acceptance from everyone, including the church we were raised in. You've always been told that the most happiness you can feel is when you are living the way the church teaches you to live. Why are you so unhappy then? One of your biggest fears in life is that you are a homosexual. You have convinced yourself that the reason you like looking at guys is because you are obese and admire the male figure and simply wish you looked like them. You ignore the fact that the female body has absolutely no interest to you. If you have any say in it, you will never let anyone know that you have watched gay porn. You think that if people knew the truth, then they would not accept you. You are afraid that other guys would be scared to be around you for fear of thinking you're attracted to them. You are afraid your parents will be disappointed in what you are. You are afraid the church you were raised in will label you as a sinner and vile. You are afraid that you won't be able to go into public without being a target for cruel words and actions. You are afraid that your friends will no longer be there. You. Are. Afraid. You are so afraid that you just pretend everything's okay. 

This is what I wish you knew Andy. If only your closeted self could REALLY be reading this! First off, you are definitely gay. I would say, "I hate to break the news to you," but I really do wish you knew that. You don't just admire the male body because you're fat. You are actually going to lose 140 pounds and become a very attractive man and many MANY women will state their case for why you should be with them, but guess what...you'll still like men.

I wish you could see what the Mormon church is doing to you. It is the main reason you are unhappy, if not the sole cause of your unhappiness. Get away as soon as you can. It won't be easy because Mormonism truly is a culture and your life. You will be shunned by some and judged by others, but their opinions don't matter. It is amazing how the church spins this web that is so encompassing and intricate that it will be so difficult for you to leave, but you are so strong Andy! You will be an example to many for your courage. You don't feel courageous, but there is a bright fire in you if you let it burn. You will finally stop pleading with God to change you and instead you will pray for opportunities to grow and live a happy life.

I wish you knew that you are loved. There are so many people that support you and wish for your success. Your fan pool will grow immensely though as you become more confident and happy throughout the years. You need to let go of the shame you feel for who you are. Just let it go (there will be a song about that). You need to realize absolutely nothing is wrong with your sexuality. Nothing! Be confident in your instincts and abilities. You are fucking awesome and the sooner you realize that the sooner you'll start soaring. It's okay to make mistakes, I promise! I know you are perfectionist, but failure is a chance to learn and grow. Living conservatively will never get you to your largest potential. Have fun along the way! Drink alcohol (responsibly of course)! It's not this scary monster that you should avoid like the plague. It helps you loosen up and learn to take risks. It's also really fun! Get a tattoo or two. Make out with lots of guys. Go on random adventures with strangers. Make friends everywhere you go. What I'm trying to say again and again is DON'T BE AFRAID! Don't be afraid to live life and make mistakes. There is only one Andy in the world so make the most of your talents and abilities. You don't have to be like anyone else, that is what makes YOU amazing!

So in closing, just know your life is going to get better in literally every aspect! Suicide is not the option. You are going to be successful at what you do. You are going to have incredible friends that love you. You are going to be so happy you cannot even comprehend it right now!

Look at you! 

If only you had known a little sooner about the life you could have lead instead of the life you thought you had to lead. Have no regrets Andy! 

Love, 

Your future, fabulously happy, out of the closet, beautiful, gay self, Andy

P.S. Stay away from the fireworks on the Fourth of July in 2015. You burn a hole in one of your favorite shirts 

Where I Stand With the Mormon Church

This will probably be my last post for a while. I want to thank all of you that have read my blog and are reading right now. I have had almost 10,000 views on my blog site which is far more people than I ever thought would read my words. Maybe I will find something else to blog about in the future but I feel like the normal topic of being gay and Mormon is done in my life. If you are short on time then just read the ending and that summarizes everything :)

I have been asked many times recently where I stand with the Mormon church. My friends and family want to know if I still attend church or believe in the church's teachings. Do I still have a testimony of Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon? I honestly couldn't answer all of those questions until recently because I was too confused and didn't know exactly how I felt.

Well now I think my mind is clear and I know what I want to say...

The church's policy change towards children of gay couples.

I was at a party when I first heard the news about the policy change via Facebook. I didn't believe it at first because it seemed so contrary to what the church had taught me all growing up. Things like families are the most important institution in life and that children are without sin and are not judged by the sins of their parents. I kept looking around online and finally realized this was a real thing. I went numb and didn't know what to think. I went back to my friends bedroom and literally just laid in their bed the rest of the night when everyone else was still having fun. I didn't cry or scream or get angry...I just laid there unsure of how to feel. The moment I read the news something inside of me broke. My whole life I have believed in EVERYTHING the Mormon church had taught me no matter how crazy or hard it was to believe sometimes. Even with being excommunicated I was still trying with all my might to hold on to that belief. That belief was fragile and worn but fell apart when I read that news. If you can imagine being in a dark room your whole life with someone describing to you what else is in the room and then finally the light comes on and you realize it is nothing like you had been told; that is how I felt when I read that news. I saw the church through a new lense. I won't go into all the details of why I cannot stand this new policy change, but just know it was the tipping point for my. It was the catalyst for all of these new beliefs in my life.

Do you still go to church?

No, I do not. Going into the excommunication process I can honestly say that I was still planning on attending church still. I could accept the fact that the church didn't approve of my actions, I could accept that I was seen as a sinner, and I could accept that I would be treated as a second class member. I was okay with that because at that time I had a belief that the church was true and run by a prophet of God. Ironically enough, about a week or two after I was excommunicated the church came out with the new policy that does not allow the children of gay couples to be baptized until they are 18. So do I attend a church where my future children would not be welcomed, where I am not allowed to serve in any capacity, say public prayers, read scriptures in class, offer my opinion when the teacher asks a question, or even sing in the choir? No, I do not and will not attend a church like that.

Why has excommunication been such a great thing for you, I thought you loved the Mormon church?

I used to love the Mormon church will all of my heart. If you knew me on my mission, then I meant every single word I said. Every testimony I bore was a real one. Being a member of the church has always been a burden though. We hear over and over again that we can overcome pain and sorrow through Christ, but I have now realized that so so so so much of that pain was coming from the church itself. I was beating myself up over being gay. For a lot of my life I tried my best to become a heterosexual. Then, I tried to play with the idea of marrying a girl. Finally, I tried to accept the fact that I had to be celibate for the rest of my life. Almost all of the pain and sorrow I have felt in my life up to this point has been from the beliefs I held in the Mormon church. So that is exactly why being excommunicated has been amazing! I feel such a burden lifted off my shoulders. The church teaches that sin is what brings on those burdens, but I am telling you now that no matter how many times I have sinned in my life, there was no greater burden than being a gay member of the Mormon church and trying to follow what they are teaching you. There are private Facebook groups for Mormons that are attracted to the same sex but still want to follow all of the commandments from the church (meaning living a celibate life or marrying a woman). I joined those groups when I first got home from my mission but couldn't stand them because almost every post was so depressing. There was so much pain from those people. I have met many people from that group in Houston and at other events and (no offense to them) they all just seem so incredibly miserable. They have their eyes set on dying and realizing that they will not be happy in this life but it is worth it because they will be happy when they die. That is just too heartbreaking for me. I thought I was happy when I finally came out to myself and I thought I was happy on my mission. There is just no comparison to then and now.

If you remember, I chose to act on my sexual orientation once I had prayed earnestly and received the answer that I can and I should be with men. A lot of people have thought that this whole process of excommunication would be hard on me, but it was actually incredibly easy because I knew what God had told me these things. I didn't need a room full of men to tell me where I stood with God. So at my disciplinary council when they took away my membership from the church and all the blessing that came with it, including the gift of the Holy Ghost, I was curious the see how I felt after they did that. The whole time I was there I felt the spirit confirming to me that I was making the right choice and these men were doing their job, but they were wrong. When I was supposed to lose the Holy Ghost I still felt it. I kept feeling it for days, weeks, and now months since my excommunication. I still receive promptings from the Holy Ghost often (even if I ignored one prompting recently and now have a speeding ticket from it...stupid Andy). If I was wrong in my decision then one would think I would feel an emptiness. I most definitely would not have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion either. That is exactly what brings me peace with all of this. I know this is the right decision!

What do you believe?

I believe we are all trying to find out what and who God is. We obviously aren't doing that great of a job if there can be thousands of different churches that all have a different definition of God and His teachings. I am not an atheist now, I promise. Most of my life I thought that the LDS church was the one true church that had the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't believe that anymore. Mormons are not an elite group of people. They are just like the rest of the worlds and are simply trying to figure out God and His mysteries. I strongly believe that whatever your beliefs may be, all that matters is that you live what YOU believe and God will judge accordingly. I am a Christian but don't know what role religion will play in my life anymore. At this time I am sure that I need a break from it.

To those still in the Mormon church.

You do you! I don't hate the church or hate you for being in it. Live what you believe. Can we still be friends even though we have different beliefs...YES! I am not here to tell you that you are wrong. I am not here to say the LDS church is evil. They do a lot of great things and there are a lot of good people in the church. Are all the things that they teach false? Not at all. There are many great things that they teach that I still believe.

-------------------------------------------------------

I no longer try to sort out the conflicting doctrines in the LDS church. Man is not meant to be alone, yet gay members are meant to remain celibate; the church is built on families, but not for gay families; children are without sin and able to make choices at 8, yet children of gay couples are denied blessings and cannot choose baptism until 18. I refuse to spend any more time feeling broken. I refuse to see myself as second-class. I choose to live for me. I choose to believe that God loves me fully and that he does not want me to be alone, sad, and divided. He would never label me as an abomination or simply classify me as a sinner or an apostate.

I have no perfect understanding except to know that the peace I longed for so desperately as a faithful Mormon, I have now found outside of the Church.

I Wish I Would Have Stood Up For Them

I have a confession. I am addicted to something...I am addicted to buying clothes. Since getting home from my mission last year I have had to buy an entire new wardrobe because of my drastic weight loss. The thing is...I am still buying clothes all the time. Yesterday I went to do some shopping at a department store to get my fix of buying pretty new winter clothes (because winter clothes are my absolute favorite). After I tried on a million jackets and sweaters I finally picked a handful to keep and went to check out. There were 2 groups of people in front of me in line. The 2 directly in front of me were both really attractive guys with 2 kids. I, of course, eavesdropped on their conversation and learned they were brothers. Then the group that was in front of them were two hispanic ladies. They had a cart full of baby clothes. One of the ladies was a little heavy set and had comfy looking clothes on. The other one was in high heels and a short skirt that showed off a very fine butt (if I might say so). As I stood there waiting, I started to notice some things about these two ladies. They both had some very manly features about them. They had low voices, one had a 5 o'clock shadow, and the other had very broad shoulders. I would bet my life that these ladies were transgender. I was happy for them that they had each other, that they were buying baby clothes (maybe they were moms!), and that they felt comfortable in their skin.

Those thoughts quickly left my brain as I continued to stare down this guy in front of me in a tank top who obviously worked out a lot. My gaydar was not picking up anything from him though...but hey...it doesn't hurt to enjoy the sight. I get distracted though by the fact that there is only one checkout line open and I see THREE workers standing about 20 feet away staring at these 2 women in front of me. I couldn't believe they would be so rude as to obviously be staring down this transgender couple, whispering to each other, giggling with each other, and not do their jobs. It bothered me slightly but I just stood there and watched as it played out. They finished checking out and left the store. All 3 of the workers then go to the window and watch them walk out.

This has been bothering me for the last day. I feel terrible about myself. I just stood there as these two ladies were being laughed at and stared down. I have no clue about the story these 2 ladies have but my guess is that it has not been an easy life for them. My guess is that things like that happen all the time. I can only assume that worse things have happened to them. What if everywhere I went people saw me and stared, or laughed, or made fun of me. I would hate that!

This is so easy for me to say now and type out but I wish I would have had the courage that day to do something more than just blog about it. I wish I would have walked up to those employees and tell them to get to work and stop staring. I wish I would have walked up to those transgender ladies and tell them they were beautiful. I wish I would have given them a hug and said that they should never give up and keep living their life the way that will make them happy. I wish I would have had courage!

There has been a lot of talk in Houston about a bill that would allow transgender people into the bathroom with the gender they identify as. It would take a lot longer of a blog post for me to share why I believe that voting YES to equal rights is important, but let me share just a couple of thoughts. Simply think of this small experience I had yesterday. Transgender people have to deal with persecution every day of their lives because society is still behind the times. Just imagine what it would be like to be treated like a second class citizen everywhere you go. Transgender people want just a little courtesy from us as to be allowed to go to the bathroom where they feel comfortable. They are not there to sexually assault you or your child. There are there to take a shit without being persecuted for looking like the "wrong" gender. If you don't like the thought of a girl that was born with a penis using the same bathroom as you or visa versa, then think about what it would be like to be in their shoes. They just want to use the bathroom in peace!

Were these ladies at the store being verbally or physically assaulted? No! It is the little things that matter though. I am writing this post to let you know that I promise to stand up for anyone that is being outcasted or shunned because of who they are or who they like. I wish I would have stood up for them!

Nurture vs Nature

This is a debate that has been going on forever. Were LGBT people born that way or was it something that developed because of the life experiences they have had. Both sides of the argument have valid points but no one can definitively say if it is nurture or nature.

It is almost humorous to look back at my life and realize I used to STRONGLY believe that it was nurture. I did not believe that anyone was born gay. I had brainwashed myself into believing that being gay was a choice. I used to think gay people were gay because of things like being molested by another man, liking feminine things, watching porn, distant fathers, not being athletic, and who knows what else "causes" homosexuality. I feared that I was a homosexual and yet I was very homophobic. I made fun of the gay guys at my school and thought they were disgusting.

Times have changed though. It used to be socially acceptable to be homophobic, but now it seems to be quite the opposite. If people make homophobic comments in public then they tend to get crucified by those around them. Look at how far we have come...gay marriage is legal in the United States!

Society has changed immensely in a short amount of time and I have change myself (in case you didn't already know that). Now, to answer the question of nurture vs nature. I don't think I want to definitively pose any absolutes about this topic, but I will say this: I know I was born this way! There is no doubt in my mind that I was born gay. I finally came to that conclusion one night many years ago when I was reading a book about being gay and Mormon and how to make sense of it all. The author was talking about this subject and all of the sudden I had the strongest impression that I knew I was born this way. Before I came to this earth I knew I was going to be gay and I accepted this because I understood that I would learn and grow from the experiences that being gay would allow me to go through. I could finally look back on my life and see that being gay was not a "condition" that started at some point in my life. Being gay is who I am and it is not a learned trait. I can look at my much younger self and just laugh because it is so obvious to me now.

Does that mean that everyone is born gay? I do believe most, if not all, people are born the way they are. For those of your reading that are straight, when did you decide to be straight? What made you decide to be straight? What life experiences led you to want to be with the opposite gender? You see...you never had to make that decision. It was how you were born. Same with me, and same with most all others in the world.

I am different from the majority of the population because I like my men. I like them tall, muscular, smart, funny, cute, and if they have pretty eyes they will melt my heart. Lets celebrate our differences and love each other for who we are and not for who we decide to sleep next to.

Why I Am Okay With Being Excommunicated From the Mormon Church

Last week I was excommunicated from the Mormon church. Wow...lets just sit on that for a second because that is kind of a big deal, right? (See bottom of page for explanation of what excommunication is.) I mean, this is the church that I was raised in. I sang primary songs about popcorn growing on trees, talking streams, and melting snowmen. I went on countless camping trips and learned to how to burn just about anything. I went to conference after conference and became a scriptorian. I went to seminary all through high school and had to wake up at 5am to attend every day. I even served a 2 year mission for my church where I dedicated every single day of my life to serving the Lord. And now...I can't even say I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They say it's now like I was never even baptized. I am supposed to be distraught with the church's decision to take away my membership. I am supposed to feel terrible. I am supposed to not have the Spirit as my constant companion. I am supposed to want to repent and never be with men. Well...that is at least what people say.

So why am I okay with being excommunicated? Let me try to explain, but I am warning you that most of you won't understand. But if you love me, then please read this anyways to see where I am coming from. When I got home from my mission I realized that to remain remain celibate and not pursue relationships with other men was going to be hard, but not an impossible thing. I believe, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13). I belonged to a church whose main statement to the world is that the heavens are still opened and every single human being can pray and receive answers from God. I desired to have a strong witness from my Father in Heaven that my decision to live the way the prophets were telling me, specifically in regards to homosexual relationships, was the correct decision. I believed in this church and everything it taught me so that is why I chose to not pursue relationship with men. I had been telling people for 2 years to pray to know the truth. To not just believe what we were teaching them as missionaries, but to ask God if these things are true. I decided to take my own advice, and the church's advice, and pray to know that I was making the correct decision in the matters of my love life (lack thereof).

I decided to make it a matter of prayer for when I went to the temple. I love the temple and always received a great spirit when I attended. December 17th of 2014 was the day I went to the Lord in prayer, asking him if the decision to live the way I had been taught was correct. It was that day that my life changed forever. I received an answer to that prayer in a profound way that can never be described in words. I won't go into full detail but the answer was that sometimes it is part of God's plan, His plan, to break a commandment. It was as clear as the sun on a bright summer's day that it was part of my plan to partake of the forbidden fruit. 

HOW WAS THIS POSSIBLY A REVELATION FROM GOD??? How could I get an answer that is telling me something different from what the prophets have told us. I doubted the answer I got so much! It shook my faith immensely. I continued to pray and fast about it. I went to the temple time and time again to try to make sure I was tuned into the right station and not just conjuring up false revelation in my head. But no matter how many times I asked the same thing over again, I always got the same answer and the same feeling of peace. 

"Andy, maybe you just think you got that revelation because you wanted it so badly." That is a very valid point and one that I had to ask myself honestly. I decided to compare this revelation I received to how I have received revelation in the past. How did it feel? What were my thoughts? When I was 20 years old, I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true and I got a strong feeling of peace and clear words in my mind that it was true. That exact same feeling came to me every time I prayed about my decision of how to live my life. So in comparing this revelation to past revelation...it is the same. If I still think that I must have just made up this new answer in my mind, then I would also have to think that maybe I did the same thing when I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true. Maybe I just wanted the church to be true so badly that I conjured up that revelation I received. Now I have to question if I believe in the church.

My conclusion: When I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true...that was revelation and I believe this is the true church. When I prayed to know if I should follow what the church's stance is on homosexuality...that was revelation also. 

Where do I stand now? Since that revelation in December I slowly started trying to date guys. I thought I would feel incredibly guilty about it but I just felt peace (and sometimes nervous...especially if my date was really cute). I plan to continue in this way of life and hope to one day find someone to spend the rest of my life with (Maybe even adopt some beautiful babies). 

What are your beliefs towards the church? That was a hard one at first. I started having questions like, "Well, if they are wrong about homosexuality then what else are they wrong about?" Here is what I believe. The church is run by men and a lot of things are dictated by social things. The church is not ready for where I am at and that is fine. I still believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I need the Atonement to heal me and make me better. I need him too! I love my Heavenly Father with all of my heart. I believe that we can all receive revelation for our own lives personally. I am also not going to go around saying this is what the church's stance should be. This was personal revelation. This is the way for me to live my life. It is not my place to tell someone in a similar situation what to do. That is between the individual and God.

Why did I choose excommunication? You may be like..."Um...Andy...you didn't choose to be excommunicated...the church chose that." Well I kind of did. Like I said, I have felt no guilt in this choice. I still feel the spirit in my life daily and to be perfectly honest I feel closer to God than I ever have...including when I was on my mission. The only thing I didn't like about this situation is that I had to lie at church. I had to pretend that I wasn't living this life. Lying is easy to do but it can eat at you. I could have kept up the charade for much longer if I wanted to, but I decided that authenticity is the most important thing to me right now. I have had to lie and pretend my whole life and I done with it. I don't want to wear a mask any longer. If that means the church has to take steps to discipline me...so be it.

How do you feel? Like I mentioned earlier, I was told that I was supposed to feel horrible about being excommunicated. You know how I feel though...I just feel so much peace. I feel the spirit comforting me every day. When I have had second thoughts about this new way of life I am immediately comforted and reminded that this is the right path for me. Do I believe that just because a room full of men told me I no longer have the blessing and privileges of a member of the church that that is true? No, I don't. God is the judge. He has judged my heart and knows me perfectly. I know where I stand with God and I don't need any person to tell me where he thinks I stand. 

Are you still going to go to church? Yes, I am. Simple as that. Like I have said, I still believe in Jesus Christ. I am the same Andy you knew before. I have the same strong testimony, the same desire to become as Christlike as I can, the same desire to serve. Many people will look at me and think that I am just giving up or giving into temptation. They would be wrong. This decision came directly from an answer to prayer and is not something I rationalized myself into doing. I was set and ready to go to spend the rest of my life alone. Aren't you so happy for me now that that doesn't necessarily have to happen. 

A lot of people have asked me if I am okay. I am being completely honest when I say I am great. It is disappointing that it had to come to this, but I am fine with the results. The worst part about it though is knowing what many of you are thinking of me now. If I would have seen myself a year ago I would have been distraught with where my life is at this moment. If I had a friend or family member get excommunicated it would have broken my heart. I know how a lot of you feel and it makes me sad to know how much pain this decision may bring you. Some of you that are reading this may be former leaders of mine, former friends, my mission presidents, members from the wards I served in when I was a missionary, converts that I baptized into the church, former missionary companions, former missionaries I served with, current friends, etc. I KNOW HOW YOU MAY BE FEELING. Just know that I am happy...SOOOO incredibly happy!

Let's face it...as much as we all pretend to know how judgement day will work out...none of us really know. Don't just assume that because I now have an "X" instead of a check on one of my boxes means I am going to hell...because the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not a checklist kind of thing anyways. The reason it took so long to tell all of you this is because of the fear I had that you would no longer think of me the same. Many people have said they look up to me (literally and figuratively) and I may let some of you down. I have to live my life for myself though and the way that I see fit. 

Now you know. I don't know what else to say. Ask me questions all you want...but don't lecture me. If you read my post you know how much thought and time I put into this decision and you know how confident I am in it. Don't waste my time with fire and brimstone. I know everything you want to say to me anyways. Everything. I know what the scriptures say, I know what the prophets say, I know! I hope you can learn to love other more from this post. I hope you can learn that things are not always the way they seem and that is why we should never judge. I am still on the path to becoming my best self...are you?

***As harsh as excommunication may sound, it is not intended to be a punishment or exilement. As a member of the church, you make promises to God to keep his commandments and when you break those commandments you are breaking those sacred promises. Since I have made many covenants with God, excommunication is indented to help me so that I am no longer held accountable to those promises anymore. 

It is also meant to protect the name of the church. Simply put, they don't want people to believe that the lifestyle I have chosen is okay with them. 

It is not supposed to be a means to kick someone out and say they are not welcome. I can still attend church actively. The difference now is I am not considered "worthy" to serve in the church. Our church is run purely by volunteer work. I can no longer serve in any form. I cannot pray in church meetings or give talks anymore. I no longer am a holder of the priesthood which is the power to act in God's name.

I'll Never Be Called "Daddy"

I'm 9 years old and it's recess time! My favorite time of the day (except for lunch of course). ALL of my classmates and I have difficulty trying to contain our excitement as we have to walk in a single file line down the hall. I just want to run, scream, jump, and play. The walk to the outside door seems like miles but when I am finally through the door and into the sunlight I run straight for my normal play spot. I get to the shade under the trees-away from the soccer field and basketball court. Most of my male counterparts are off playing sports and getting all sweaty. I, however, am ready to play house with all the girls. I am the dad and I have a wife, kids, and a dog named "Beefy". We have a beautiful house with blue shutters. I have a job making all the money I need. I have 2 cars. I have everything!

That perfect life I created in my imagination was something that I always dreamed of. I have wanted to be a dad my entire life. I even had a journal entirely dedicated to how I would raise my children and what kind of dad I would be. I love kids so much. I love their innocence. I love how you can't stay angry at them. Kids can dream big, even though they throw a tantrum now and then, and they have pure hearts. I had the opportunity to be a preschool teacher when I was in high school. I was a depressed person in those years of my life but every single time I went to preschool to teach the kids I would leave smiling. I would forget my troubles when I spent time with them because kids are just that awesome.

I think having this picture perfect life with a wife, 2.5 kids, a house, 2 cars, and a dog, is what made accepting the fact that I was gay so hard and why it took so long. I did not want to accept the idea that I could not have kids. Of all the things in life, a career, spouse, fame, intelligence, you name it, I wanted to be a dad more than anything. I finally have accepted that that will probably never happen.

The idea that I can never have kids is what breaks my heart the most about being gay. The all too familiar, "Why, oh why would you do this to me God?" pops into my head. Doesn't God want me to be a father and have a family? Why would he do this to me?

This last year I have really come to realize that my life isn't turning out at all how I thought it would. Maybe that means I am finally an adult...? (Nahhhh) I've also come to realize that that is OKAY! So I will never have someone to call me daddy...it sucks, but oh well. I will never have a tiny little guy that I can tuck in, sing lullabies to, teach how to ride a bike, be a friend and mentor to...that breaks my heart, but that's life. There are many people in life that never get this or that no matter how they desire it...that is life.

What can I do then? Well...obviously there is not a 100% chance that I will never have kids...anything is possible. But before you get your hopes up ladies, lets just say that the chances of me having kids, however low they are, is more likely to happen with a partner of the same sex then with a woman (sorry girls...it just won't ever work). So my best bet now is to be the best gosh darn uncle there ever was! I only have one nephew so far but my brothers and sister better make many many more :) So just warning you Tyler, Spencer, Lauren, and Sierra...uncle Andy is always going to be the favorite ;)

This blog isn't supposed to be about me and how sad my life can be sometimes. I try to help people understand more about LGBT issues and be YOUR best self. The lesson I get from this is that you can't always get what you want. No matter how "good" of a want that may be. You are dealt cards unlike any other person in the history of the world. Why would you be just like someone else? That is boring! Live your life to the fullest and don't let anything slow you down.

Once Upon a Time...In a Parallel Universe

There was a young boy whose parents loved him dearly. This boy loved sports and was always the best at what he did. People thought the world of him. As he grew, he realized that he was not like the other boys who loved music, acting, art, and who loathed getting dirty by playing sports with him. He was made fun of for talking manly instead of flamboyant like his peers so he tried to talk like everyone else. This boy played sports with all the girls even if all the other guys called him macho. He didn't understand all the other guys who were very sensitive and loved romantic comedies. He could relate to the girls who would rather wrestle or blow stuff up.

As this boy continued to grow in years and started to become a young man he realized he was different in yet another way. He started to think he was attracted to girls instead of the same sex like everyone else was. This, of course, was a ridiculous thought in his mind because he had never chosen to be straight. He had been taught his whole life that he is supposed to be gay and like boys just like all the other guys. He was also raised as a very religious person whose fundamental teachings were based on the doctrine that marriage is only between two men or two women and that the greatest joy in life, and in the next life, is to be married to someone of the same gender. He was scared of who he might be because being straight was a sin. He saw the way members of the church talked about those straights as if they were these vile and horrible people.

So this poor boy hid because of the fear of not being who he was supposed to be. He tried to ignore his attraction. He decided to never tell anyone for fear of being labeled a sinner. He pretended to like boys so no one would ever assume he was straight. He put a mask on and had to hide who he was on the inside. But he continued to do what he was taught that he needed to do. He went to church, read his scriptures, and tried to be perfect in everything he did. No matter how much he did though he was still depressed, scared, and broken.

He couldn't live this way though. There was too much hurt and lying. As this boy searched for relief from his pain he finally accepted who he was. He was born this way and no matter how hard he tried or wanted to be gay, he couldn't. Being straight was not something he decided to become one day.  He was straight, and that was okay no matter how taboo it was to be straight. He felt so much relief as he accepted this part of himself that he could never change. He didn't have to force himself to act like a homosexual anymore. He was himself and he didn't need anyone else to tell him who he was supposed to be. He was finally happy.

The End

Note: I use some of those stereotypes simply to illustrate a point and don't necessarily believe all straight people have to like sports and all gay people have to like the arts :) Thanks for humoring my example! 

When I was on my mission for my church, and was working with people to help them make their lives better, I would always try to put myself in their shoes. As I tried to imagine what it would be like to be that person then I would have a clearer vision of the way Christ sees them. The judgement I may have once felt towards the way they were living or the things they were not doing would dissolve away. I could understand more fully why they felt the way they felt. As we apply the concept of putting ourselves in other people's shoes in any setting then we can see less anger, misunderstanding, friction, and judgement in our lives. Love is always the answer.

For my Straight, Faithful, Mormon Friends

Watch: Over the Rainbow by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

With the recent SCOTUS decision I have had a whirlwind of emotions toward the topic. Anyone on social media can agree that I am not alone in those feelings. I have seen nothing but rainbows and pictures of The Family: A Proclamation to the World (which says marriage is only to be between a man and a woman) on Facebook since gay marriage was legalized in all 50 states. I have seen some friends whose dreams have come try with this new law because they can finally marry the person of their dreams that they are in love with. I have also seen a lot of posts about how marriage should only be between a man and a woman. To my great surprise though I haven't seen much hate or judgemental comments. I've heard from other people that there is a lot of hate and arguing going around on Facebook, but either you guys are purposefully blocking my ability to see those posts or most of y'all are not being involved in that (that deserves a high five).

I have tried not to be too vocal about all of these happenings other than a handful of posts to show how excited I was when marriage equality was finally a thing. I don't understand getting angry on social media and debating things. I LOVE to discuss these topics though! I don't want to just ignore things like this. I want to be able to talk about our opinions and respect the opinions of others. I think it brings understanding to be able to see what other people thing and the conclusions they have come to. BUT I would be lying if I said I did not "unfollow" some of my Facebook friends this last week because of hateful comments. There is a difference from discussing and bashing. I hated seeing those bashing comments by some of my "friends" that are supposed to be Christlike. But hey, to each his own, all I had to do was click the button and now I don't see their hate anymore. I didn't have to throw more hate and judgement back at them because that is not what Christ would do. Like I said, if people want to talk then I will...but all this other stuff has to go!

With all that has been posted and said though, I finally felt the need to share my thoughts on the topic. And hey, the cool thing is that I'm not forcing you to read this. I just want to share a few things I want to say to my faithful Mormon friends.

1. Your religious freedoms are not being threatened with this new law. Gay marriage has been legalized in 15 other countries before ours. Many of these countries have Temples and, to be honest, far weaker protections for religious freedom. Guess what, the church has not been forced to perform gay marriages. It's not going to happen! If it were possible then the church knows how to deal with it. They would perform religious, not civil sealings in Temples. They have done this in South America and Europe. It's just simply not a possibility...so get over that.
2. For my second point, I think all this needs is a little advice from my favorite German apostle:
   
3. If you aren't planning on entering a same-sex marriage, don’t experience same-sex attraction, and you aren't being forced to perform one (see #1), consider why you feel the need to share your opinion on this topic. There are a lot of political issues, or things common in society that are rarely ever discussed by Mormons despite being against doctrine. I understand you might feel like you need to be as loud as the voices celebrating the SCOTUS decision. Maybe you hope to keep someone from choosing a path you feel is wrong. Or maybe you feel the need to make sure that people know where you stand. Here is the thing though....I can promise you that as a gay Mormon I know where you stand. Promise. I have sat through the same conference talks, the same lessons on the Proclamation to the World, the same Sunday school discussions. If I know you are straight and Mormon, I am going to assume your beliefs echo the ones I have been taught my whole life. Using the very problematic phrase, I know you hate the sin, but what I don't know is if you love the sinner. Gay people know the church’s stance, and most likely know you support it. What they need to know is whether you support them.
4. Saying you love us, and that you don't mean to offend, isn't enough. So many of the posts that have bothered me the most begin with a phrase like, “I hope all my friends who struggle with same-sex attraction know that I love them.” Let's get things straight here...if the only time you ever talk about homosexuality or LGBT issues is arguing against same-sex marriage then I am going to guess that those friends don’t feel loved by you. I am not saying that you can't affirm the LDS position on marriage and show love to gay saints, I am saying that it is going to take a little more work. Here’s what you can do:
1. Read our stories. If all of your “research” on the question of marriage equality comes from straight men, what is spoken from over the pulpit, and that one article by a gay man who opposes same-sex marriage, then I suggest reading some more. Read stories of hope of faithful same-sex attracted Mormons living the church's commandments in the group, Northstar. Read the heartbreaking letter of a gay Mormon who was excommunicated for marrying the love of his life. Learn from organizations like USGA and Affirmation, about the wonderful diversity of experiences, beliefs, and identities, within the gay Mormon community and the struggles and triumphs they have. And at the VERY LEAST you should go to the church's OFFICIAL website about their stance on gays, mormonsandgays.org. The Internet makes reading these stories so easy. Listen before you talk, learn before you try to teach.
   
2. Educate yourselves on other issues. Believe it or not, marriage equality is not the only goal of the LGBT movement. If you feel like you are unable to support that cause consider others you could. Many states do not protect individuals from discrimination in housing or employment based on their sexuality. This contributes to high rates of homelessness in LGBT youth. Depression and suicide are major problems with queer LDS youth and adults–These are things we can agree on. These are ways you can show your love for same-sex attracted brothers and sisters.
5. Be empathetic. Consider that no matter how long you have thought about this issue, gay Mormons have thought about it more. Think about what matters most to you, an integral part of your identity, your religion maybe, or maybe your family heritage. Now think about a person you love. Consider that maybe how you feel about those things, the people you love and the identity you claim for yourself, is how gay individuals feel about their sexuality and the ones they love. It is not a temptation or an affliction. Being gay has taught me about love and service, it has helped me understand and learn from the struggles of others. It has made me more Christlike and I wouldn't change it for anything. Don’t suggest we won’t feel this way in the next life. Don't call it a struggle. When you do, you are attacking an integral part of a person’s identify. Try and understand that and remember the things you love and care about as you discuss this complicated topic.

Today at church we read the letter that the first presidency sent out to all of the church about their stance on the SCOTUS ruling. I knew it was coming. I had already read the letter that they sent to us online days before. I prepared myself. But I had to leave because every time the church or individuals decide to make sure that we all know where they stand then it is like a knife to the heart for me. Yes, I know the church does not and will never accept marriage between two men or women, (WE KNOW!!!) but it just reminds me that I don't have a place in this church that I have loved my whole life and this church where I gave up two years of my life to spread the things that we teach. The church teaches us over and over that one of the most important things in life is to get sealed to a spouse...this is the Plan of Salvation that the church teaches us about. It can work for everyone except us gays. I will NEVER have a wife or kids. Gay members don't fit into the gospel of Jesus Christ. All the church tells me is what we CANNOT do. "Don't act on your feelings, don't act on your attractions, don't love who you want to love, and don't support people that do decide to act on those feelings." But I want to know what I can do. Why does the church take such a harsh stance against LGBT people? There are countless things that are currently frowned on by the brethren, yet, those of such other acts can easily find solace and compassion within the church. For each sinner, there's a beckoning to stay with the church. For us, our "beckonings" are stanch warnings and screaming "don'ts." Why is it that we are forced to battle for the right to even have our testimonies an faith acknowledged and appreciated? We all fall short, none are flawless, so why are we held to a higher condemnation? Where is the pavilion, for us, that covers all others? I don't want to get through this life just by gritting my teeth and torturing myself. I want a "Plan of Happiness for gay people also." 

So every time you "remind" others of the church's stance on gays, then you are reminding me that I do not belong. It makes me feel like we (gay members) are a problem that the church wishes would just go away. It causes me to question God and why His gospel is set up this way. Sometimes it just hurts me down to the core. I don't want anymore "somewhere's," I want the skies to be blue where I am at right now. 

Sources:   https://byuusga.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/things-i-want-to-tell-my-straight-faithful-mormon-friends-reacting-to-the-scotus-decision/ and sugar cookie. 

6 Things to Remember When You're Tired of Mormons

Do you ever read something and feel like the author stole the very idea of their text from your head in some mystical way? That happens to me every once in a while and it happened when I read this article. The author wrote down my exact beliefs in why I still keep on keeping on with the Mormon faith. I love God with all my heart but sometimes the people get to me. This article is about how I get over those feelings I have sometimes.

I want to stress that this post is not written by me. The content is not mine. I simply shared this post because it resonated with my soul & I wanted to share it to my readers as well as ponder back on it for my reference. 

Liz, the author of this article mentioned some similar hardships that I have. She said, "..over the years, I've found a way to carve out my own space in the Church. It's an ongoing process, but I thought I'd share some of my tools - a practical guide to how to carve out your own space of belonging. Some of these tools may work for you, some of them may not. Spirituality is so personal. But if you sometimes sit in sacrament meeting and wonder what the hell you're doing there, know that I've been there, and sometimes I'm still there, but remembering the following things help me to keep perspective." 

1. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you - just what you think of you, and what God thinks of you. 

This is probably the biggest guiding principle in my life. And it's completely impossible to truly remember and live by all the time. But it's really what everything else in this list comes down to, and when you can remember it, it's empowering. So what if the Relief Society President thinks you're immodest? She's not in charge of your eternal salvation. And even if she or other leaders have a hand in your eternal judgement, God's judgement will override any of that. 

2. Personal revelation is more important than anything else. 

In our Church, we speak often about the importance of obedience, of faith in the Church, of following the counsel of leaders even when we don't understand it. And there is value in those things...we can grow and learn from doing those things. But there may be times that your own conscience may dictate otherwise. Those are painful moments, and it can be really really difficult to trust that you're doing the right thing in following your own heart. And maybe sometimes it's NOT the right thing to follow your own heart. But your responsibility as a human being is to take everything you are told to the Lord. And if your own personal revelation says something contrary to what leaders of the Church may say, trust it. I'm not talking about things like commandments. Personal revelation will NOT be contrary to the commandments. I'm talking about things like leader's opinions on the Big Bang, or the best way to be a parent, or what legislation should be passed. I honor and sustain the men and women called to lead this Church, but recognize that it is not meet that we are commanded in all things, and that sometimes something that seems like revelation for the entire Church may not be when you seek confirmation of it. Others may judge you for your interpretation by statements by leaders, but those who pass judgement are not in charge of your eternal salvation, so it doesn't matter what they think. 

3. You have permission to leave if your pain exceeds your nourishment. 

I mean this on a short-term basis, although I think it can apply long-term. But since the point of this post is to help people stay active if they want to, I'm mostly focusing on short-term. It's inevitable that someone will say something in one of your meetings someday that rubs you the wrong way. You may never have a day when you go to Church and 100% agree with everyone around you. Most of the time you can just shift your focus, listen to the Spirit, dig into your scriptures on your own, find some way to help you stay grounded. But sometimes the sheer effort of doing that distracts from the actual nourishment you can be receiving. So if you need to step out for a few minutes, for the rest of the meeting, or for the rest of the day, give yourself permission to do that. Take your worship into your own hands. It's almost always best to stay. But if you're not getting anything out of Church, put yourself in a situation where you ARE being spiritually nourished.

4. God's children are flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wrecks.

This includes:

-the elderly man who takes his sacrament talk as an opportunity to share his personal opinions on abortion and gay marriage. 

-The bishop, Relief Society president, the Elder's Quorum president, and any other leaders

-The lady in Sunday school who says the only sex ed children need is the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife

-The Stake President's wife, who tells everyone from the pulpit that you will feel the Spirit more if you shower every day

-The guy in your ward who says he gets to tell you that your stick-on tattoo is against the Honor Code because "he has the Priesthood and you don't"

-The Sunday School teacher who dismisses the comments a woman makes about the lesson, and then welcomes the exact same comment when it is made by a man. 

All of these are based on true and personal stories. The point is, "The Gospel is perfect, the people are not." And as difficult as it is to remember, this also goes for the prophets and apostles. Which takes me back to point #2--personal revelation is more important than anything else. If a leader says something you don't feel comfortable with, you have a right to take it to the Lord, figure it out, maybe even reject it. But no one should have to censor themselves to your own standards/beliefs..Even the idiots have a right to be here. They have a right to say whatever they do, and you have a right to dismiss it if you feel you must. (Also note, you are a flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wreck).

The other part of this truth is this:In the words of an old friend, "If somebody seems perfect, then either #1.They're Jesus or #2. They have something to hide. Probably #2 though." Many of the people you see at Church seem "orthodox" and "perfect" but are likely carrying things the rest of us can only dream of. Don't fail to imagine others complexly.

5. The purpose of Church is to nourish everyone, including those who are just beginning. 

For those who have been members for many years, or for the intellectual types, Church can sometimes just get plain boring. There is so much insanely interesting stuff in the scriptures and in Church history...complicated details that deserve our time and attention. And 99% of the time, that's NOT the stuff we talk about in Sunday School. But that's because everyone is at a different place in their progression and testimony. What if someone is returning to Church after a long hiatus? Or what if someone just got baptized? Or what if they're just investigating? Discussing the connections between LDS temple ceremonies and Masonic ritual is NOT going to bring them closer to Christ--it will probably overwhelm them. I'm not saying that studying those things is bad. In fact, I think it's really good and really really important. But that's what personal study is for, or discussions with friends and family. This is totally the "Gospel According to Liz," but to me it makes sense to say that while there is overlap. Church is primarily the time for nourishment, and personal study is primarily the time for learning.

6. For most of us, life is better with the Church than without it. 

This is the ultimate truth that keeps me in the pews. Because I haven't always had the Church in my life. And there have been times when I've had the Church, but not as fully. And here's what I think. Life can be painful and complicated and overwhelming. And that's true whether you're in the Church or not. So if it's true, you might as well continue to receive nourishment where you can. I know I can use all the help I can get when it comes to life, and the Gospel is the best source of help I've found.

The Rock Wall

Here's a final thought. Your testimony is like a rock wall. Everyone is constantly building to their walls, stone by stone. And every now and then, you may stumble upon a stone and not see exactly where it fits. It may be labeled "gay marriage" or "visiting teaching" or "hymns are boring" or "why do we have so many freaking meetings and why are so they so freaking long." But that doesn't mean you abandon the wall. It means you set the stone aside and keep building with what you DO know. And as you build, you may suddenly see where that stone fits. Some people have likened this process to a jigsaw puzzle, but that implies that every one's testimony looks the same eventually. I like the stone wall better because every one's will look completely different, and have different foundations, but all of them are still valid. It can be frustrating to feel sometimes like you're surrounded by stones you don't understand. But hang in there. You'll find their place eventually. And as you do, you'll find your OWN place, too.