A Letter to In The Closet Andy

I was going to record myself reading this letter to myself but I couldn't do it without crying like a baby so here is what I want to say to myself:

Dear in the closet Andy,

I'm writing to you as a 24 year old version of yourself. Let me just start out by saying, YOU'RE SKINNY! Pretty exciting, right?  A lot has happened in your life; good and bad things. You've seen a lot of bad so far and unfortunately had to face those things alone and afraid to let anyone in on your struggles. The future literally terrifies you when you think of it. Just the thought of where you will be in the next few years makes you wish you could die instead of continuing to live in the pain that you feel everyday. You try your very best to ignore the reason why you are in pain and don't want to live. In fact, you do that so well that you somehow convince yourself that you aren't actually gay. It is amazing what the mind can do. Your biggest desire in life is to feel accepted and loved by those around you. I think you believe that you are not loved. You think so low of yourself. The desire you feel to be accepted leads you to try and gain acceptance from everyone, including the church we were raised in. You've always been told that the most happiness you can feel is when you are living the way the church teaches you to live. Why are you so unhappy then? One of your biggest fears in life is that you are a homosexual. You have convinced yourself that the reason you like looking at guys is because you are obese and admire the male figure and simply wish you looked like them. You ignore the fact that the female body has absolutely no interest to you. If you have any say in it, you will never let anyone know that you have watched gay porn. You think that if people knew the truth, then they would not accept you. You are afraid that other guys would be scared to be around you for fear of thinking you're attracted to them. You are afraid your parents will be disappointed in what you are. You are afraid the church you were raised in will label you as a sinner and vile. You are afraid that you won't be able to go into public without being a target for cruel words and actions. You are afraid that your friends will no longer be there. You. Are. Afraid. You are so afraid that you just pretend everything's okay. 

This is what I wish you knew Andy. If only your closeted self could REALLY be reading this! First off, you are definitely gay. I would say, "I hate to break the news to you," but I really do wish you knew that. You don't just admire the male body because you're fat. You are actually going to lose 140 pounds and become a very attractive man and many MANY women will state their case for why you should be with them, but guess what...you'll still like men.

I wish you could see what the Mormon church is doing to you. It is the main reason you are unhappy, if not the sole cause of your unhappiness. Get away as soon as you can. It won't be easy because Mormonism truly is a culture and your life. You will be shunned by some and judged by others, but their opinions don't matter. It is amazing how the church spins this web that is so encompassing and intricate that it will be so difficult for you to leave, but you are so strong Andy! You will be an example to many for your courage. You don't feel courageous, but there is a bright fire in you if you let it burn. You will finally stop pleading with God to change you and instead you will pray for opportunities to grow and live a happy life.

I wish you knew that you are loved. There are so many people that support you and wish for your success. Your fan pool will grow immensely though as you become more confident and happy throughout the years. You need to let go of the shame you feel for who you are. Just let it go (there will be a song about that). You need to realize absolutely nothing is wrong with your sexuality. Nothing! Be confident in your instincts and abilities. You are fucking awesome and the sooner you realize that the sooner you'll start soaring. It's okay to make mistakes, I promise! I know you are perfectionist, but failure is a chance to learn and grow. Living conservatively will never get you to your largest potential. Have fun along the way! Drink alcohol (responsibly of course)! It's not this scary monster that you should avoid like the plague. It helps you loosen up and learn to take risks. It's also really fun! Get a tattoo or two. Make out with lots of guys. Go on random adventures with strangers. Make friends everywhere you go. What I'm trying to say again and again is DON'T BE AFRAID! Don't be afraid to live life and make mistakes. There is only one Andy in the world so make the most of your talents and abilities. You don't have to be like anyone else, that is what makes YOU amazing!

So in closing, just know your life is going to get better in literally every aspect! Suicide is not the option. You are going to be successful at what you do. You are going to have incredible friends that love you. You are going to be so happy you cannot even comprehend it right now!

Look at you! 

If only you had known a little sooner about the life you could have lead instead of the life you thought you had to lead. Have no regrets Andy! 

Love, 

Your future, fabulously happy, out of the closet, beautiful, gay self, Andy

P.S. Stay away from the fireworks on the Fourth of July in 2015. You burn a hole in one of your favorite shirts 

Where I Stand With the Mormon Church

This will probably be my last post for a while. I want to thank all of you that have read my blog and are reading right now. I have had almost 10,000 views on my blog site which is far more people than I ever thought would read my words. Maybe I will find something else to blog about in the future but I feel like the normal topic of being gay and Mormon is done in my life. If you are short on time then just read the ending and that summarizes everything :)

I have been asked many times recently where I stand with the Mormon church. My friends and family want to know if I still attend church or believe in the church's teachings. Do I still have a testimony of Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon? I honestly couldn't answer all of those questions until recently because I was too confused and didn't know exactly how I felt.

Well now I think my mind is clear and I know what I want to say...

The church's policy change towards children of gay couples.

I was at a party when I first heard the news about the policy change via Facebook. I didn't believe it at first because it seemed so contrary to what the church had taught me all growing up. Things like families are the most important institution in life and that children are without sin and are not judged by the sins of their parents. I kept looking around online and finally realized this was a real thing. I went numb and didn't know what to think. I went back to my friends bedroom and literally just laid in their bed the rest of the night when everyone else was still having fun. I didn't cry or scream or get angry...I just laid there unsure of how to feel. The moment I read the news something inside of me broke. My whole life I have believed in EVERYTHING the Mormon church had taught me no matter how crazy or hard it was to believe sometimes. Even with being excommunicated I was still trying with all my might to hold on to that belief. That belief was fragile and worn but fell apart when I read that news. If you can imagine being in a dark room your whole life with someone describing to you what else is in the room and then finally the light comes on and you realize it is nothing like you had been told; that is how I felt when I read that news. I saw the church through a new lense. I won't go into all the details of why I cannot stand this new policy change, but just know it was the tipping point for my. It was the catalyst for all of these new beliefs in my life.

Do you still go to church?

No, I do not. Going into the excommunication process I can honestly say that I was still planning on attending church still. I could accept the fact that the church didn't approve of my actions, I could accept that I was seen as a sinner, and I could accept that I would be treated as a second class member. I was okay with that because at that time I had a belief that the church was true and run by a prophet of God. Ironically enough, about a week or two after I was excommunicated the church came out with the new policy that does not allow the children of gay couples to be baptized until they are 18. So do I attend a church where my future children would not be welcomed, where I am not allowed to serve in any capacity, say public prayers, read scriptures in class, offer my opinion when the teacher asks a question, or even sing in the choir? No, I do not and will not attend a church like that.

Why has excommunication been such a great thing for you, I thought you loved the Mormon church?

I used to love the Mormon church will all of my heart. If you knew me on my mission, then I meant every single word I said. Every testimony I bore was a real one. Being a member of the church has always been a burden though. We hear over and over again that we can overcome pain and sorrow through Christ, but I have now realized that so so so so much of that pain was coming from the church itself. I was beating myself up over being gay. For a lot of my life I tried my best to become a heterosexual. Then, I tried to play with the idea of marrying a girl. Finally, I tried to accept the fact that I had to be celibate for the rest of my life. Almost all of the pain and sorrow I have felt in my life up to this point has been from the beliefs I held in the Mormon church. So that is exactly why being excommunicated has been amazing! I feel such a burden lifted off my shoulders. The church teaches that sin is what brings on those burdens, but I am telling you now that no matter how many times I have sinned in my life, there was no greater burden than being a gay member of the Mormon church and trying to follow what they are teaching you. There are private Facebook groups for Mormons that are attracted to the same sex but still want to follow all of the commandments from the church (meaning living a celibate life or marrying a woman). I joined those groups when I first got home from my mission but couldn't stand them because almost every post was so depressing. There was so much pain from those people. I have met many people from that group in Houston and at other events and (no offense to them) they all just seem so incredibly miserable. They have their eyes set on dying and realizing that they will not be happy in this life but it is worth it because they will be happy when they die. That is just too heartbreaking for me. I thought I was happy when I finally came out to myself and I thought I was happy on my mission. There is just no comparison to then and now.

If you remember, I chose to act on my sexual orientation once I had prayed earnestly and received the answer that I can and I should be with men. A lot of people have thought that this whole process of excommunication would be hard on me, but it was actually incredibly easy because I knew what God had told me these things. I didn't need a room full of men to tell me where I stood with God. So at my disciplinary council when they took away my membership from the church and all the blessing that came with it, including the gift of the Holy Ghost, I was curious the see how I felt after they did that. The whole time I was there I felt the spirit confirming to me that I was making the right choice and these men were doing their job, but they were wrong. When I was supposed to lose the Holy Ghost I still felt it. I kept feeling it for days, weeks, and now months since my excommunication. I still receive promptings from the Holy Ghost often (even if I ignored one prompting recently and now have a speeding ticket from it...stupid Andy). If I was wrong in my decision then one would think I would feel an emptiness. I most definitely would not have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion either. That is exactly what brings me peace with all of this. I know this is the right decision!

What do you believe?

I believe we are all trying to find out what and who God is. We obviously aren't doing that great of a job if there can be thousands of different churches that all have a different definition of God and His teachings. I am not an atheist now, I promise. Most of my life I thought that the LDS church was the one true church that had the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't believe that anymore. Mormons are not an elite group of people. They are just like the rest of the worlds and are simply trying to figure out God and His mysteries. I strongly believe that whatever your beliefs may be, all that matters is that you live what YOU believe and God will judge accordingly. I am a Christian but don't know what role religion will play in my life anymore. At this time I am sure that I need a break from it.

To those still in the Mormon church.

You do you! I don't hate the church or hate you for being in it. Live what you believe. Can we still be friends even though we have different beliefs...YES! I am not here to tell you that you are wrong. I am not here to say the LDS church is evil. They do a lot of great things and there are a lot of good people in the church. Are all the things that they teach false? Not at all. There are many great things that they teach that I still believe.

-------------------------------------------------------

I no longer try to sort out the conflicting doctrines in the LDS church. Man is not meant to be alone, yet gay members are meant to remain celibate; the church is built on families, but not for gay families; children are without sin and able to make choices at 8, yet children of gay couples are denied blessings and cannot choose baptism until 18. I refuse to spend any more time feeling broken. I refuse to see myself as second-class. I choose to live for me. I choose to believe that God loves me fully and that he does not want me to be alone, sad, and divided. He would never label me as an abomination or simply classify me as a sinner or an apostate.

I have no perfect understanding except to know that the peace I longed for so desperately as a faithful Mormon, I have now found outside of the Church.

A Response to the Mormon Church's New Policy

"But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 19:14

Jesus loves the little children

The internet has exploded with talk of the Mormon church's new policy changes. The first change edits the definition of apostasy. The new definition adds that entering a same-sex marriage constitutes apostasy. The second change now does not allow the children of gay couples to have a baby blessing, be baptized until they are an adult, and to serve a mission they must disavow their parents relationship. To say I was shocked with this new policy is an understatement. I have seen many other people that are confused and lost in this new information. I wanted to immediately write a blog post about my thoughts on the subject but I decided that it was best for me to wait a day and read all that I can from both parties that support or reject this new policy. I can honestly say I have never been so confused about the policy of the church in my life. I simply could not understand the reason behind such a terrible new rule. I have prayed a lot so I wish now to share some of the thoughts I have had towards this touchy subject.

The church has a few arguments to support this new change that I wish to address:

1) This is ultimately to protect the children. The Mormon church believes that if they don't allow the children of gay couples to be baptized into the church that they are solving the dilemma of them having to decide if they will support their parents lifestyle or the Mormon church. This is the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Why would it make sense to bar someone from one of the essential ordinances to return to live with Heavenly Father because they don't want them to have to go through a hard time? What about all the gay couples that love the church still and want their children to grow up in this amazing gospel with all the values and lessons their children would learn?  If the child is at a Mormon church, then that means that their parent almost positively supports their decision to be there.

Sometimes I feel like people believe that just because someone is in a gay relationship that they must hate the church and no longer be a Christian. I know so many people, myself included, that don't feel that way! Gay members of the church have already been knocked down so many times. So many of us have kept getting back up. We keep coming, we keep our testimonies, and we keep hoping that even though the church doesn't support our decision to live the "gay lifestyle" that there is still truth and light to be gained from the church.

The church says they are doing this to protect the children but all I can see is how this will hurt the child and their family. What about how the child feels when all of his friends his age are getting baptized? What about how the child feels when he can't pass the sacrament or hold callings? What about how the child feels when he is denied the blessing of going to the temple to do baptisms for the dead? Membership in the Church encompasses every part of your life. I was preached to all the time as a teenager that I needed the gospel in my life to make it through those rough years. I was told I needed to go to seminary every morning before school to have that spiritual strength each day. That is why I cannot understand why the church feels that it is best that some children be denied this.

This decision also affects the children of divorced parents where one of the spouses may have entered into a marriage with someone of the same gender. How is that protecting the rights of the parent whose child cannot be baptized because her ex husband is gay? The church says that a upon turning 18 a child can then be baptized if they disavow their parents marriage but seriously think about that for a second...how can we expect an 18 year old who has been denied all these blessing their whole life to actually want to be a part of the church that has outcasted them because of their parents? I can't see many 18 years olds choosing baptism.

2) The church has been doing this with families that practice polygamy for years. Please stop comparing this new policy to polygamy! First off, just because the church has been doing this to polygamist families does not mean that it is right. That's like saying, "Oh, it's okay that I raped this person because I have been doing it for years to this other person." This is also a completely different scenario. What of the children of abusive parents, or alcoholic parents, or a parent that is a murderer? These children are welcomed into the church with open arms unless their parents are gay or they have more than 2 parents.

3) The church doesn't treat LGBT members worse than any other sinners. I am just going to laugh at that one...I don't know who they are trying to fool but they treat LGBT so much harsher than our hetersexual counterparts. (For example...not allowing a gay couples kid to be baptized as opposed to a child whose mother is living with her unwed boyfriend but still allowing her child to be baptized).

Do you want to know how this announcement really made me feel? I am not saying that this is what the church intended from this new policy change but this is how it made me feel: 

I feel almost as if this was a calculated move by the general authorities. More and more people are getting married to the same gender and have their kids go to church. The more that this happens, the more the general population of the church will realize that we are normal and good. They will realize we can still have strong testimonies and be Christlike individuals even if we are gay. The church doesn't want members hearts to change towards gay people because then that might mean they have to change doctrine and that is very hard to do. I feel like it is an attempt to strike now before we gain too much support. I feel like this is trying to make things very black and white: the church wants nothing to do with gays and anyone that supports that way of life. They don't want gays so much that they are willing to potentially deny hundreds or thousands of children the ordinance of baptism and membership in the church. I feel like the church convinces/brainwashes its members to never doubt or question it's leadership or policies as being wrong because it is evil, bad, or of the devil. I feel like this is a specific attack against a specific group of people, where the church is saying, "We don't want you or even your children to be a part of our community." That is disgusting and completely against what Christ taught.

This new policy hurts me. It hurts me because I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that The Book of Mormon is true. It hurts me because children are going to be denied blessings that I believe are very real and that I have experienced as a member of the church. It hurts me because if I ever have kids in the future then they would also be denied membership of the church that I would want them raised in. It hurts me because I am trying so hard to stay active at church even with how they feel about someone like me and this now just makes it even harder.

I believe it takes great courage to do what I am doing. I cannot bite my tongue. I cannot try to ignore this. I cannot give up on the idea that I can change people's hearts for the better. I am willing to bet that you have been trained by the church to ignore such blasphemous talk. I remember what it used to feel like to hear hard things like this and I would immediately tune out what was being said to me because doubting was wrong. I invite you to take more of these "hard" ideas to the Lord in prayer. Do your homework and come up with your own conclusion on the subject. Then, ask if that conclusion is correct or not. You should have absolutely nothing to worry about because you should get the exact same answer that the church is teaching you, right? What do you have to lose?

I felt something break inside of me last night when I read the news. This was the last straw. I can no longer support an institution that so blatantly discriminates against a group of people.

I Wish I Would Have Stood Up For Them

I have a confession. I am addicted to something...I am addicted to buying clothes. Since getting home from my mission last year I have had to buy an entire new wardrobe because of my drastic weight loss. The thing is...I am still buying clothes all the time. Yesterday I went to do some shopping at a department store to get my fix of buying pretty new winter clothes (because winter clothes are my absolute favorite). After I tried on a million jackets and sweaters I finally picked a handful to keep and went to check out. There were 2 groups of people in front of me in line. The 2 directly in front of me were both really attractive guys with 2 kids. I, of course, eavesdropped on their conversation and learned they were brothers. Then the group that was in front of them were two hispanic ladies. They had a cart full of baby clothes. One of the ladies was a little heavy set and had comfy looking clothes on. The other one was in high heels and a short skirt that showed off a very fine butt (if I might say so). As I stood there waiting, I started to notice some things about these two ladies. They both had some very manly features about them. They had low voices, one had a 5 o'clock shadow, and the other had very broad shoulders. I would bet my life that these ladies were transgender. I was happy for them that they had each other, that they were buying baby clothes (maybe they were moms!), and that they felt comfortable in their skin.

Those thoughts quickly left my brain as I continued to stare down this guy in front of me in a tank top who obviously worked out a lot. My gaydar was not picking up anything from him though...but hey...it doesn't hurt to enjoy the sight. I get distracted though by the fact that there is only one checkout line open and I see THREE workers standing about 20 feet away staring at these 2 women in front of me. I couldn't believe they would be so rude as to obviously be staring down this transgender couple, whispering to each other, giggling with each other, and not do their jobs. It bothered me slightly but I just stood there and watched as it played out. They finished checking out and left the store. All 3 of the workers then go to the window and watch them walk out.

This has been bothering me for the last day. I feel terrible about myself. I just stood there as these two ladies were being laughed at and stared down. I have no clue about the story these 2 ladies have but my guess is that it has not been an easy life for them. My guess is that things like that happen all the time. I can only assume that worse things have happened to them. What if everywhere I went people saw me and stared, or laughed, or made fun of me. I would hate that!

This is so easy for me to say now and type out but I wish I would have had the courage that day to do something more than just blog about it. I wish I would have walked up to those employees and tell them to get to work and stop staring. I wish I would have walked up to those transgender ladies and tell them they were beautiful. I wish I would have given them a hug and said that they should never give up and keep living their life the way that will make them happy. I wish I would have had courage!

There has been a lot of talk in Houston about a bill that would allow transgender people into the bathroom with the gender they identify as. It would take a lot longer of a blog post for me to share why I believe that voting YES to equal rights is important, but let me share just a couple of thoughts. Simply think of this small experience I had yesterday. Transgender people have to deal with persecution every day of their lives because society is still behind the times. Just imagine what it would be like to be treated like a second class citizen everywhere you go. Transgender people want just a little courtesy from us as to be allowed to go to the bathroom where they feel comfortable. They are not there to sexually assault you or your child. There are there to take a shit without being persecuted for looking like the "wrong" gender. If you don't like the thought of a girl that was born with a penis using the same bathroom as you or visa versa, then think about what it would be like to be in their shoes. They just want to use the bathroom in peace!

Were these ladies at the store being verbally or physically assaulted? No! It is the little things that matter though. I am writing this post to let you know that I promise to stand up for anyone that is being outcasted or shunned because of who they are or who they like. I wish I would have stood up for them!

Nurture vs Nature

This is a debate that has been going on forever. Were LGBT people born that way or was it something that developed because of the life experiences they have had. Both sides of the argument have valid points but no one can definitively say if it is nurture or nature.

It is almost humorous to look back at my life and realize I used to STRONGLY believe that it was nurture. I did not believe that anyone was born gay. I had brainwashed myself into believing that being gay was a choice. I used to think gay people were gay because of things like being molested by another man, liking feminine things, watching porn, distant fathers, not being athletic, and who knows what else "causes" homosexuality. I feared that I was a homosexual and yet I was very homophobic. I made fun of the gay guys at my school and thought they were disgusting.

Times have changed though. It used to be socially acceptable to be homophobic, but now it seems to be quite the opposite. If people make homophobic comments in public then they tend to get crucified by those around them. Look at how far we have come...gay marriage is legal in the United States!

Society has changed immensely in a short amount of time and I have change myself (in case you didn't already know that). Now, to answer the question of nurture vs nature. I don't think I want to definitively pose any absolutes about this topic, but I will say this: I know I was born this way! There is no doubt in my mind that I was born gay. I finally came to that conclusion one night many years ago when I was reading a book about being gay and Mormon and how to make sense of it all. The author was talking about this subject and all of the sudden I had the strongest impression that I knew I was born this way. Before I came to this earth I knew I was going to be gay and I accepted this because I understood that I would learn and grow from the experiences that being gay would allow me to go through. I could finally look back on my life and see that being gay was not a "condition" that started at some point in my life. Being gay is who I am and it is not a learned trait. I can look at my much younger self and just laugh because it is so obvious to me now.

Does that mean that everyone is born gay? I do believe most, if not all, people are born the way they are. For those of your reading that are straight, when did you decide to be straight? What made you decide to be straight? What life experiences led you to want to be with the opposite gender? You see...you never had to make that decision. It was how you were born. Same with me, and same with most all others in the world.

I am different from the majority of the population because I like my men. I like them tall, muscular, smart, funny, cute, and if they have pretty eyes they will melt my heart. Lets celebrate our differences and love each other for who we are and not for who we decide to sleep next to.

Why I Am Okay With Being Excommunicated From the Mormon Church

Last week I was excommunicated from the Mormon church. Wow...lets just sit on that for a second because that is kind of a big deal, right? (See bottom of page for explanation of what excommunication is.) I mean, this is the church that I was raised in. I sang primary songs about popcorn growing on trees, talking streams, and melting snowmen. I went on countless camping trips and learned to how to burn just about anything. I went to conference after conference and became a scriptorian. I went to seminary all through high school and had to wake up at 5am to attend every day. I even served a 2 year mission for my church where I dedicated every single day of my life to serving the Lord. And now...I can't even say I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They say it's now like I was never even baptized. I am supposed to be distraught with the church's decision to take away my membership. I am supposed to feel terrible. I am supposed to not have the Spirit as my constant companion. I am supposed to want to repent and never be with men. Well...that is at least what people say.

So why am I okay with being excommunicated? Let me try to explain, but I am warning you that most of you won't understand. But if you love me, then please read this anyways to see where I am coming from. When I got home from my mission I realized that to remain remain celibate and not pursue relationships with other men was going to be hard, but not an impossible thing. I believe, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13). I belonged to a church whose main statement to the world is that the heavens are still opened and every single human being can pray and receive answers from God. I desired to have a strong witness from my Father in Heaven that my decision to live the way the prophets were telling me, specifically in regards to homosexual relationships, was the correct decision. I believed in this church and everything it taught me so that is why I chose to not pursue relationship with men. I had been telling people for 2 years to pray to know the truth. To not just believe what we were teaching them as missionaries, but to ask God if these things are true. I decided to take my own advice, and the church's advice, and pray to know that I was making the correct decision in the matters of my love life (lack thereof).

I decided to make it a matter of prayer for when I went to the temple. I love the temple and always received a great spirit when I attended. December 17th of 2014 was the day I went to the Lord in prayer, asking him if the decision to live the way I had been taught was correct. It was that day that my life changed forever. I received an answer to that prayer in a profound way that can never be described in words. I won't go into full detail but the answer was that sometimes it is part of God's plan, His plan, to break a commandment. It was as clear as the sun on a bright summer's day that it was part of my plan to partake of the forbidden fruit. 

HOW WAS THIS POSSIBLY A REVELATION FROM GOD??? How could I get an answer that is telling me something different from what the prophets have told us. I doubted the answer I got so much! It shook my faith immensely. I continued to pray and fast about it. I went to the temple time and time again to try to make sure I was tuned into the right station and not just conjuring up false revelation in my head. But no matter how many times I asked the same thing over again, I always got the same answer and the same feeling of peace. 

"Andy, maybe you just think you got that revelation because you wanted it so badly." That is a very valid point and one that I had to ask myself honestly. I decided to compare this revelation I received to how I have received revelation in the past. How did it feel? What were my thoughts? When I was 20 years old, I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true and I got a strong feeling of peace and clear words in my mind that it was true. That exact same feeling came to me every time I prayed about my decision of how to live my life. So in comparing this revelation to past revelation...it is the same. If I still think that I must have just made up this new answer in my mind, then I would also have to think that maybe I did the same thing when I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true. Maybe I just wanted the church to be true so badly that I conjured up that revelation I received. Now I have to question if I believe in the church.

My conclusion: When I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true...that was revelation and I believe this is the true church. When I prayed to know if I should follow what the church's stance is on homosexuality...that was revelation also. 

Where do I stand now? Since that revelation in December I slowly started trying to date guys. I thought I would feel incredibly guilty about it but I just felt peace (and sometimes nervous...especially if my date was really cute). I plan to continue in this way of life and hope to one day find someone to spend the rest of my life with (Maybe even adopt some beautiful babies). 

What are your beliefs towards the church? That was a hard one at first. I started having questions like, "Well, if they are wrong about homosexuality then what else are they wrong about?" Here is what I believe. The church is run by men and a lot of things are dictated by social things. The church is not ready for where I am at and that is fine. I still believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I need the Atonement to heal me and make me better. I need him too! I love my Heavenly Father with all of my heart. I believe that we can all receive revelation for our own lives personally. I am also not going to go around saying this is what the church's stance should be. This was personal revelation. This is the way for me to live my life. It is not my place to tell someone in a similar situation what to do. That is between the individual and God.

Why did I choose excommunication? You may be like..."Um...Andy...you didn't choose to be excommunicated...the church chose that." Well I kind of did. Like I said, I have felt no guilt in this choice. I still feel the spirit in my life daily and to be perfectly honest I feel closer to God than I ever have...including when I was on my mission. The only thing I didn't like about this situation is that I had to lie at church. I had to pretend that I wasn't living this life. Lying is easy to do but it can eat at you. I could have kept up the charade for much longer if I wanted to, but I decided that authenticity is the most important thing to me right now. I have had to lie and pretend my whole life and I done with it. I don't want to wear a mask any longer. If that means the church has to take steps to discipline me...so be it.

How do you feel? Like I mentioned earlier, I was told that I was supposed to feel horrible about being excommunicated. You know how I feel though...I just feel so much peace. I feel the spirit comforting me every day. When I have had second thoughts about this new way of life I am immediately comforted and reminded that this is the right path for me. Do I believe that just because a room full of men told me I no longer have the blessing and privileges of a member of the church that that is true? No, I don't. God is the judge. He has judged my heart and knows me perfectly. I know where I stand with God and I don't need any person to tell me where he thinks I stand. 

Are you still going to go to church? Yes, I am. Simple as that. Like I have said, I still believe in Jesus Christ. I am the same Andy you knew before. I have the same strong testimony, the same desire to become as Christlike as I can, the same desire to serve. Many people will look at me and think that I am just giving up or giving into temptation. They would be wrong. This decision came directly from an answer to prayer and is not something I rationalized myself into doing. I was set and ready to go to spend the rest of my life alone. Aren't you so happy for me now that that doesn't necessarily have to happen. 

A lot of people have asked me if I am okay. I am being completely honest when I say I am great. It is disappointing that it had to come to this, but I am fine with the results. The worst part about it though is knowing what many of you are thinking of me now. If I would have seen myself a year ago I would have been distraught with where my life is at this moment. If I had a friend or family member get excommunicated it would have broken my heart. I know how a lot of you feel and it makes me sad to know how much pain this decision may bring you. Some of you that are reading this may be former leaders of mine, former friends, my mission presidents, members from the wards I served in when I was a missionary, converts that I baptized into the church, former missionary companions, former missionaries I served with, current friends, etc. I KNOW HOW YOU MAY BE FEELING. Just know that I am happy...SOOOO incredibly happy!

Let's face it...as much as we all pretend to know how judgement day will work out...none of us really know. Don't just assume that because I now have an "X" instead of a check on one of my boxes means I am going to hell...because the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not a checklist kind of thing anyways. The reason it took so long to tell all of you this is because of the fear I had that you would no longer think of me the same. Many people have said they look up to me (literally and figuratively) and I may let some of you down. I have to live my life for myself though and the way that I see fit. 

Now you know. I don't know what else to say. Ask me questions all you want...but don't lecture me. If you read my post you know how much thought and time I put into this decision and you know how confident I am in it. Don't waste my time with fire and brimstone. I know everything you want to say to me anyways. Everything. I know what the scriptures say, I know what the prophets say, I know! I hope you can learn to love other more from this post. I hope you can learn that things are not always the way they seem and that is why we should never judge. I am still on the path to becoming my best self...are you?

***As harsh as excommunication may sound, it is not intended to be a punishment or exilement. As a member of the church, you make promises to God to keep his commandments and when you break those commandments you are breaking those sacred promises. Since I have made many covenants with God, excommunication is indented to help me so that I am no longer held accountable to those promises anymore. 

It is also meant to protect the name of the church. Simply put, they don't want people to believe that the lifestyle I have chosen is okay with them. 

It is not supposed to be a means to kick someone out and say they are not welcome. I can still attend church actively. The difference now is I am not considered "worthy" to serve in the church. Our church is run purely by volunteer work. I can no longer serve in any form. I cannot pray in church meetings or give talks anymore. I no longer am a holder of the priesthood which is the power to act in God's name.

Do I Sound Gay?

Is there such a thing as a "gay voice?" If there is, how does one learn to speak with a gay voice? Can you tell a person is gay simply by listening to the way they talk? 

As I was growing up, it was a tradition in my family to be "interviewed" each year on our birthdays. It was always something that I would look forward to with anticipation. I think the most thrilling part of it was the fact that the spotlight was on me and my brothers and sisters had to keep their mouths shut! My parents would video tape us on our respective birthdays and ask us questions like, "What's your favorite color? Who is your best friend? What's your favorite movie?" It was meant to be a glimpse at where we were at in our lives. After the filming was over we were always excited to watch it and see how it turned out, of course. I still remember (to this day) the first time I realized I sounded like a girl. 

It was probably on my 5th or 6th birthday interview and as I listened to myself speak in the video I thought, "That's not my voice. I don't sound like that. I sound like a girl in this video." I hated my voice! I didn't want to sound like a girl! Even at that early of an age I knew I needed to change the way I sounded. It was not because I understood what being gay was back then, but because I knew I was a boy and was supposed to sound like one. 

One of the great things about kids is that most of the time they don't really care about what is cool and what is not. They can dance, sing, have messy hair, and not be embarrassed by it. Insecurities seem to arise a little later in life when we become teenagers. With that being said, I still was aware of the way I talked and tried to not talk so feminine. No, it wasn't a constant thought, but it crossed my mind many times. It got to the point when I was 8 or 9 that I was very confused and frustrated with my life (as frustrated as an 8 or 9 year old can be). I was frustrated because I was supposed to be a boy and like boy things yet I sounded like a girl. Not only did I sound like a girl, but I liked so many girly things too: painting my nails, pink being my favorite color (pink purse, pink ranger, pink everything), Disney Princess' were the best thing ever (especially Belle). So I came to the most logical conclusion any 8 year old would...if I sounded like, and acted more like a girl than a boy, then I had to be a girl *(see note at bottom). I remember exactly how I felt when I came to that irrational conclusion. I was hiding in the bathroom, crying my head off because I wanted to be a girl. I thought God had made a mistake and put me in a boy's body when in fact I was a girl. Those feelings haunted me for a while. I had no way to deal with it other than just trying to hide it and pretend I didn't feel that way. I'm not saying I became a man's man after that, but I tried my hardest to be like the other boys. I tried hard to not sound so feminine. I tried not to acknowledge some of my more girly interests for fear or people judging me. 

As I grew a little bit in maturity and age I started to have a better understanding of what being gay meant. I started hiding parts of me and altering my behavior for a different reason then I used to. I hid so no one would think I was gay instead of hiding because I thought people would think I was a girl. I was still putting a mask on, but for different reasons. If you've read some of my other posts, then you know that I didn't really think I was gay at that time in my life. I just knew I didn't want anyone to think I was gay...because in my mind...I wasn't.

I felt like I did a pretty good job hiding my feminine side as I got older (or maybe I didn't...and I was just fooling myself, I don't know). That came at a price though. I had to put a mask on every day of my life. It was a conscious thing that I did.

Even after accepting that I was gay when I was 21 years old, I still kept the mask on. I was about to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I did want any of my missionary companions to suspect that I was gay. I was forced to live with these guys and be around them 24/7. That would have been terribly awkward for both of us if they found out. When I got home from my mission I started thinking about taking some of those walls down. It was nice to not have to filter everything that came out of my mouth. I slowly was able to allow myself to tap into my real self; The self I tried so hard to abandon when I was younger. Then, I came out publicly in February and that was a huge leap. I had no fear anymore of people finding out that I was gay! I could be myself. It was, and has been amazing!

Then a funny thing happened just the other day. I heard a recording of myself and in that recording I was speaking. I was thrown back for a second...I sounded gay...! Just like when I was a little kid, I didn't recognize my voice. I thought to myself, "I don't really sound like that, do I?" Isn't that the weirdest response ever! Me,...Andy...gay...surprised...that I sounded gay...? I guess it has just been a gradual change that I didn't notice my voice had changed so much! Before some of you start thinking that this is something that us gay guys just do to be flamboyant...please rethink that. It is not some "show" that we put on. It is not to get "attention". The show I put on for most of my life was the show of masculinity and trying to hide my femininity. I am done with the shows now people! I had a flamboyant voice since I was a kid...before I even knew what being gay meant or was...before I had even been around gay people. This is my voice...and I love it! I am fabulous! 

When you listen to people talk, do you ever categorize them by the way they sound? They are gay or they are straight. To be honest...I catch myself doing that sometimes and I hate myself when I do. Even though I am guilty of that at times, does that mean I am wrong....YES! Sounding gay is available to everyone. I won't get into the science of it all, but we learn how to speak at a young age. Some people take on attributes of speaking from women in their lives and some take it from men in their lives. I have known many people that sound as gay as unicorn...but are actually straight. I have met many gay guys that are super masculine. Does it seem like a lot of gay guys have feminine voices...yeah! I am sure there is a reason for that...but I commit to stop putting people in a box and assuming things right away. What about you?

I really don't like it when people judge people for how flamboyant people are. Many people have said things to me like, "Why do gay guys have to put on such a show? Their rainbows, makeup, voices, dress, attitude, etc." Are some of the things you see a show...probably...but MOST ARE NOT! This is who we are people! It's not a show for me! We are gay...gay used to mean happy! Accept us for who we are, *Me taking a bow* (Applause, applause)

*Even though at an early age I believed I was a girl...I wanted to be clear and say that I do not feel that way now. I believed that because it was the only conclusion I could come up with at the time. I want to be clear, not because there is anything wrong with transgendered people, but because some people might get that mixed up. Sexual orientation and gender identity are completely different things. They are not related. Just because someone is transgendered does not mean they are gay and visa versa.