I Am Loved

(I decided to switch which site I used for my blog so this post was actually posted on February 15, 2015)

SO I came out to Facebook this last week. It’s been exciting, emotional, and scary to say the least! But this picture:

may have left you wondering things like, “Well, what exactly does that mean? Is he leaving the church? How did he get so skinny? Does he have a boyfriend? What was he thinking? How is his hair so amazing? How long has he know he was gay? Why does he look so happy? How tall is he (well that is just a question that everyone has when they see me so I thought I would include it). It’s all confusing isn’t it? Yes, deciding to post something that I have kept so secretive and personal for my whole life was TERRIFYING but later on you will see why it was worth it for me. Deciding to post it was actually an easier decision than deciding which shirt I should wear in the picture (purple is the winner I guess). I am always really good about recording my thoughts and experiences in a journal and so I took the opportunity to try and record some of my experiences I have had in my life so you could maybe get a glimpse into my brain and where I am coming from with this new announcement.

The Challenge to Become

I was not born into this life as a finished product. I am like the caterpillar that can change into a butterfly, the coal that changes into the diamond, the grain of sand that changes into a pearl. Some of these changes take long periods of time before the desired result is achieved. I know that I was born with weaknesses. God expects me to finish my story better than when I started it.

Epiphany

The day was April 7th, 2012. I was at my best friend’s house hanging out. Her cousin was also there, and my best friend decided to show us both a video she had stumbled upon. All she told us about the video was that she thought it was a cool thing that some students put together at BYU. The video was called, "It Gets Better at BYU." I sat there watching and realized that the video was a compilation of BYU students that were gay. I was in shock. The video was the last thing I had expected, yet it pierced my heart to the very center. I had to fight back the tears (Hey guys, I learned that the secret to not crying is to just never breathe). These students were saying that they were attracted to those of the same gender, and that this was okay because there was no sin in the attraction itself. My mind had been turned upside down. I never had even considered that being attracted to another guy was not a sin. I had so many emotions going through me all at once that I did not know what to think. Part of me wanted to scream out to my friends at the end of the video, “I’m gay!” However, I still had years of barriers and walls put up around me that left me terrified of the unknown and the newness of this revelation. My courage failed me that night, but I definitely had a lot to think about.

Concealed Pain

Let’s rewind to what it was like for me growing up. I was a happy child who was afraid of the dark, but not afraid to show my feelings. I was the kid whose goal in life was to become the pink Power Ranger, whose favorite toy was his Belle doll from Beauty and the Beast, who carried around his pink purse everywhere he went, much to my dad’s chagrin.

I started to realize when I got older, and started going to school, that those things were not normal for boys to like. I slowly started trying to fit in with the “norm.” As the years passed, I continued to suppress any traits that might have been considered “gay.” I ended up being very “homophobic” throughout my life. I would make fun of the openly gay guys at my school. I disliked them and thought they were disgusting. In reality, I feared and hated myself so much that it led to that fear and hatred to be projected towards all gay people. I put on a mask, and this mask became part of my identity. I did not do this because I thought I was gay, but because it was simply not normal for guys to like those sorts of things.

I experienced a lot of confusion through the years. As most of my peers were developing strong feelings towards girls and started noticing them I wasn’t catching on to the same thing they were. In church we were always taught to bridle our passions so I thought I was doing an exceptional job at that. I couldn’t help but notice the other guys changing in the locker rooms though. Wasn’t I supposed to want to look at women, right? I still had not accepted that I was gay at this time (I am pretty stubborn guys). I was always taught that being gay was a choice. Any thought of even the possibility that I could be gay was quickly hidden and locked away with the key thrown out. I had never made that choice, so as far as I was concerned, I was not gay. I tried every angle to convince myself that I was not gay. I thought my attraction to women maybe just hadn’t come on yet. I convinced myself that I simply admired other men’s bodies. I had always been overweight growing up, and I thought that contributed to my desire to look like these beautiful men. I subconsciously told myself all of these lies to avoid facing the monster that I felt was inside of me.

The Call to Serve

After I graduated high school things started to go down the drain. I no longer could live under the wing of being an adolescent. I had to face the monstrosity I had locked away long ago. I have an early birthday in the school year, so all of a sudden I realized that I was expected to go on a mission in just a few short months when I turned 19. However, I had never had a desire to serve a mission. Church was not that important to me. I had a very weak testimony. Even though I had no desire to serve a mission, I knew that I needed to. At the very root of my soul, I knew the Church was true, even if my actions were not aligned with the gospel at that time. As I look back on my life now, I realize I was given a special gift from my Father in Heaven. That gift is that I have never doubted the truthfulness of His gospel. I strongly believe that this has been a perfect counter for my same-sex attraction. It has kept me from leaving when I wanted more than anything to give in and live a gay lifestyle.

I was still convinced that to go on a mission I couldn’t be attracted to guys. I tried everything I could think of but just couldn’t understand why boobs were so interesting. I thought I was not trying hard enough to change. Consequently, I read my scriptures more often, prayed more fervently, and served as much as I could in the Church. I even fasted every other day for a two-week period in hopes that God would answer my one prayer: to take away this attraction. He never did answer the way I wanted. No matter what I did, I could not shake off this fascination with men.

At this point, I believed God simply did not love me or care about me enough to grant me what was, in my mind, a righteous desire. I felt as if I was the only person in the Church that experienced this problem since I never heard it mentioned. It drove me into a deep depression. I hated myself because I wasn’t strong enough to become “straight.” I did a pretty good job hiding the broken person I was on the inside. The key is to just smile even though my heart was broken on the inside. No one knew that I was thinking of suicide and would cry myself to sleep every night because of the crushing despair I felt. I knew suicide was not an option because, again, somewhere deep inside, I knew the Church was true. Yet that didn't stop me from wishing I could die and pleading that I would not have to wake up the next morning. I felt trapped. Any thought of the future left me in agony.

If I ever did hear homosexuality mentioned at church, it was always in a negative context. The thought the Church was saying that homosexuality was a sin, abomination, perversion, repugnant, unnatural, vile, and a disease. Can you imagine how I felt when I heard these messages? I used to think that this referred to anyone that had an attraction to the same gender. So I felt as if God had cursed me. I felt dirty. I felt like I should not exist. This terrible self-deprecation went on for almost 2 years. I now had no desire to go on a mission or to even go to Church for that matter. Prayer was nonexistent. Hope was not even a serious thought. This was the darkest place I have ever been in my life.

Newfound Hope

I graduated high school in 2010, and I was in this broken state until the night my friend showed me the video, “It Gets Better at Brigham Young University.” My life changed forever after that moment. As I drove home that night, I was crying with joy. My view of myself had completely changed. I was worthy to go on a mission. The attraction was not a sin. God did love me. In the midst of all of these feelings, I realized I needed to accept myself for who I was. I then verbally said to myself in the car, "Andy, you are gay!" There are absolutely no words to describe the joy I felt at that moment and the love I felt from God (I can’t imagine what the guy in the car next to me thought as he saw me crying and laughing and smiling and dancing all at the same time). It had to be one of the happiest moments of my life!

I still remember waking up that next morning—Easter Sunday. I went to the bathroom to get ready for Church and looked at myself in the mirror, and it shocked me. I saw something different than I normally did. I saw something beautiful. I saw a child of God. I saw myself as God sees me. I just cried (and smiled and laughed and danced again).

I didn't hate the thing staring back at me anymore. I had never been so happy in my entire life. It was the most pure form of joy that I have ever experienced. For the first time in a long time I loved myself and accepted who I was. Everything was different from that moment forward.

This newfound hope helped me finally decide that it was time to serve a mission. I had my papers in very quickly and ended up leaving for my mission a little over five months after that first epiphany in April. To be honest, I still had a very little desire to serve a mission, but I drew strength from my Savior’s example. Jesus Christ did not want to have to endure the suffering that would be a result from His performing the Atonement. He asked His Father if there was a less excruciating way, but these seven words changed the world, “Nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done” (Luke 22:42). It was okay that I did not want to serve a mission. All God cared about was if I overcame my own desires and put my Father’s will in front of my own.

The Field is White

Going on a mission was a huge leap of faith for me, and I remember having some reservations. I remember feeling overwhelmed when I had the realization that I was willingly volunteering to surround myself with young, clean cut, well-dressed guys for whom I was not supposed to develop romantic feelings. I would be expected to live with a guy and be around him 24/7. What was I thinking? My mission was incredibly difficult and at the same time extremely rewarding. I was able to understand my attractions so much more as I was forced to interact with other Elders.

I had my ups and downs during those two years, but I was ultimately able to serve an honorable mission. Even though being a missionary was difficult for me, it was still the most rewarding two years of my life, and I wouldn’t trade the experiences I had for anything. I am the man I am today largely because of the growth I experienced from my time in Seattle.

Facing Reality

I think one of the hardest things about this trial in my life has been the loneliness; the realization that if I follow what the church teaches then I will never be in a romantic relationship in this life. With this struggle, I feel two opposing forces pulling me in different directions. At times, I find myself stuck right in the middle of this battle. It is a terrible feeling that takes away all of my motivation. I can feel my heart break as if it has been left in hundreds of pieces. I feel as if my heart weighs ten times its weight. I feel like I am getting stretched too far and am about to snap. There is a constant resistance that drives me crazy.

This opposition sometimes leads me to feel overcome with questions and doubts. Will I stray from what I know to be true? Will I stay faithful to the covenants I have made? Will I be able to endure a challenge like this for the rest of my life? It is days like these where I have to slow down and simply worry about what I will do right now, at this very moment. I am going to be very open, honest and vulnerable with my words (as if this whole thing isn’t me being open), I do not know the answers to those questions I just presented. There are some that may be thinking, “Well, that is such an easy answer Andy! You need to…never give up on the gospel (or I also know many of you would say that I should be true to who I am and forget this whole Mormon thing). I wish there was a way for you to get into my head and see how I think and why I make decisions. But I can’t do that. Whatever happens in the future for me just know that you are not in my shoes! You don’t know what it is like to be Andy. Only I do and only God does. There is no space for you to judge me in any of my choices (whether you think I am crazy for not being with a man or if you think I am a failure if I do decide to be with a man). Just do what Jesus would do—love me!

Facing the Future with Hope

The growth and changes I have made in my life would not be possible without the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement heals me when I wound myself by making stupid mistakes. The enabling power of the Atonement is what allows me to become better. When I feel like I cannot perform a hard task, when there are no more tears to cry, when I want to give up, He is there, if I let Him. Knowing what my Savior did for me changes everything. “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind...and he will take upon him their infirmities that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11-12). In those moments when I feel completely alone, I remind myself that my Savior knows exactly what I am going through. With this thought, I can overcome what I am facing at that moment. All that seems unfair in life can be made right through the Atonement. The Atonement is so real to me.

My decision to come out over Facebook probably gives you a sign of where I am at with my acceptance of this all. I don’t care what people think so it was time to stop hiding. It is so exhausting pretending to be straight! I can now be myself around people. I couldn’t be happier now that I am out. I can be myself and not have to stress anymore.

I don’t have all of the answers. I still struggle with doubts and depression sometimes. I definitely do not have it all figured out. That is to be expected. My message of hope is simply that God loves all of His children. That we all have struggles we are working on. That suffering in silence is no bueno! That we all need to just love ourselves. This hope I feel has led me to be completely satisfied with my life right now. All God wants is for us to live to the best of our ability, knowing we are going to make mistakes along the way. I can imagine my fifteen-year-old self not understanding why I am about to say this, but I am incredibly grateful for this trial in my life! I would not trade my cross with anyone. I have been able to develop as a son of God as I pass through the fiery furnace of affliction. This affliction is to help me become the butterfly, the diamond, and the pearl. I would not have the relationship with my Father in Heaven that I have today if my life was a walk in the park. “I have learned that in this life our enemies can become our choicest friends; the secret is in learning what to do with the conflict” (Joanne D. Smith, “Annette’s Halo,” Ensign, Sept. 1991). Thank you all for all of the support and love you have sent my way. The response has really been overwhelming. Gosh, I just love myself so much and you should love yourself too! I am AMAZING (in a NON-narcissistic, self-centered, conceited sort of way)!