Why I Am Okay With Being Excommunicated From the Mormon Church

Last week I was excommunicated from the Mormon church. Wow...lets just sit on that for a second because that is kind of a big deal, right? (See bottom of page for explanation of what excommunication is.) I mean, this is the church that I was raised in. I sang primary songs about popcorn growing on trees, talking streams, and melting snowmen. I went on countless camping trips and learned to how to burn just about anything. I went to conference after conference and became a scriptorian. I went to seminary all through high school and had to wake up at 5am to attend every day. I even served a 2 year mission for my church where I dedicated every single day of my life to serving the Lord. And now...I can't even say I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. They say it's now like I was never even baptized. I am supposed to be distraught with the church's decision to take away my membership. I am supposed to feel terrible. I am supposed to not have the Spirit as my constant companion. I am supposed to want to repent and never be with men. Well...that is at least what people say.

So why am I okay with being excommunicated? Let me try to explain, but I am warning you that most of you won't understand. But if you love me, then please read this anyways to see where I am coming from. When I got home from my mission I realized that to remain remain celibate and not pursue relationships with other men was going to be hard, but not an impossible thing. I believe, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" (Philippians 4:13). I belonged to a church whose main statement to the world is that the heavens are still opened and every single human being can pray and receive answers from God. I desired to have a strong witness from my Father in Heaven that my decision to live the way the prophets were telling me, specifically in regards to homosexual relationships, was the correct decision. I believed in this church and everything it taught me so that is why I chose to not pursue relationship with men. I had been telling people for 2 years to pray to know the truth. To not just believe what we were teaching them as missionaries, but to ask God if these things are true. I decided to take my own advice, and the church's advice, and pray to know that I was making the correct decision in the matters of my love life (lack thereof).

I decided to make it a matter of prayer for when I went to the temple. I love the temple and always received a great spirit when I attended. December 17th of 2014 was the day I went to the Lord in prayer, asking him if the decision to live the way I had been taught was correct. It was that day that my life changed forever. I received an answer to that prayer in a profound way that can never be described in words. I won't go into full detail but the answer was that sometimes it is part of God's plan, His plan, to break a commandment. It was as clear as the sun on a bright summer's day that it was part of my plan to partake of the forbidden fruit. 

HOW WAS THIS POSSIBLY A REVELATION FROM GOD??? How could I get an answer that is telling me something different from what the prophets have told us. I doubted the answer I got so much! It shook my faith immensely. I continued to pray and fast about it. I went to the temple time and time again to try to make sure I was tuned into the right station and not just conjuring up false revelation in my head. But no matter how many times I asked the same thing over again, I always got the same answer and the same feeling of peace. 

"Andy, maybe you just think you got that revelation because you wanted it so badly." That is a very valid point and one that I had to ask myself honestly. I decided to compare this revelation I received to how I have received revelation in the past. How did it feel? What were my thoughts? When I was 20 years old, I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true and I got a strong feeling of peace and clear words in my mind that it was true. That exact same feeling came to me every time I prayed about my decision of how to live my life. So in comparing this revelation to past revelation...it is the same. If I still think that I must have just made up this new answer in my mind, then I would also have to think that maybe I did the same thing when I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true. Maybe I just wanted the church to be true so badly that I conjured up that revelation I received. Now I have to question if I believe in the church.

My conclusion: When I prayed to know if The Book of Mormon was true...that was revelation and I believe this is the true church. When I prayed to know if I should follow what the church's stance is on homosexuality...that was revelation also. 

Where do I stand now? Since that revelation in December I slowly started trying to date guys. I thought I would feel incredibly guilty about it but I just felt peace (and sometimes nervous...especially if my date was really cute). I plan to continue in this way of life and hope to one day find someone to spend the rest of my life with (Maybe even adopt some beautiful babies). 

What are your beliefs towards the church? That was a hard one at first. I started having questions like, "Well, if they are wrong about homosexuality then what else are they wrong about?" Here is what I believe. The church is run by men and a lot of things are dictated by social things. The church is not ready for where I am at and that is fine. I still believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I need the Atonement to heal me and make me better. I need him too! I love my Heavenly Father with all of my heart. I believe that we can all receive revelation for our own lives personally. I am also not going to go around saying this is what the church's stance should be. This was personal revelation. This is the way for me to live my life. It is not my place to tell someone in a similar situation what to do. That is between the individual and God.

Why did I choose excommunication? You may be like..."Um...Andy...you didn't choose to be excommunicated...the church chose that." Well I kind of did. Like I said, I have felt no guilt in this choice. I still feel the spirit in my life daily and to be perfectly honest I feel closer to God than I ever have...including when I was on my mission. The only thing I didn't like about this situation is that I had to lie at church. I had to pretend that I wasn't living this life. Lying is easy to do but it can eat at you. I could have kept up the charade for much longer if I wanted to, but I decided that authenticity is the most important thing to me right now. I have had to lie and pretend my whole life and I done with it. I don't want to wear a mask any longer. If that means the church has to take steps to discipline me...so be it.

How do you feel? Like I mentioned earlier, I was told that I was supposed to feel horrible about being excommunicated. You know how I feel though...I just feel so much peace. I feel the spirit comforting me every day. When I have had second thoughts about this new way of life I am immediately comforted and reminded that this is the right path for me. Do I believe that just because a room full of men told me I no longer have the blessing and privileges of a member of the church that that is true? No, I don't. God is the judge. He has judged my heart and knows me perfectly. I know where I stand with God and I don't need any person to tell me where he thinks I stand. 

Are you still going to go to church? Yes, I am. Simple as that. Like I have said, I still believe in Jesus Christ. I am the same Andy you knew before. I have the same strong testimony, the same desire to become as Christlike as I can, the same desire to serve. Many people will look at me and think that I am just giving up or giving into temptation. They would be wrong. This decision came directly from an answer to prayer and is not something I rationalized myself into doing. I was set and ready to go to spend the rest of my life alone. Aren't you so happy for me now that that doesn't necessarily have to happen. 

A lot of people have asked me if I am okay. I am being completely honest when I say I am great. It is disappointing that it had to come to this, but I am fine with the results. The worst part about it though is knowing what many of you are thinking of me now. If I would have seen myself a year ago I would have been distraught with where my life is at this moment. If I had a friend or family member get excommunicated it would have broken my heart. I know how a lot of you feel and it makes me sad to know how much pain this decision may bring you. Some of you that are reading this may be former leaders of mine, former friends, my mission presidents, members from the wards I served in when I was a missionary, converts that I baptized into the church, former missionary companions, former missionaries I served with, current friends, etc. I KNOW HOW YOU MAY BE FEELING. Just know that I am happy...SOOOO incredibly happy!

Let's face it...as much as we all pretend to know how judgement day will work out...none of us really know. Don't just assume that because I now have an "X" instead of a check on one of my boxes means I am going to hell...because the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not a checklist kind of thing anyways. The reason it took so long to tell all of you this is because of the fear I had that you would no longer think of me the same. Many people have said they look up to me (literally and figuratively) and I may let some of you down. I have to live my life for myself though and the way that I see fit. 

Now you know. I don't know what else to say. Ask me questions all you want...but don't lecture me. If you read my post you know how much thought and time I put into this decision and you know how confident I am in it. Don't waste my time with fire and brimstone. I know everything you want to say to me anyways. Everything. I know what the scriptures say, I know what the prophets say, I know! I hope you can learn to love other more from this post. I hope you can learn that things are not always the way they seem and that is why we should never judge. I am still on the path to becoming my best self...are you?

***As harsh as excommunication may sound, it is not intended to be a punishment or exilement. As a member of the church, you make promises to God to keep his commandments and when you break those commandments you are breaking those sacred promises. Since I have made many covenants with God, excommunication is indented to help me so that I am no longer held accountable to those promises anymore. 

It is also meant to protect the name of the church. Simply put, they don't want people to believe that the lifestyle I have chosen is okay with them. 

It is not supposed to be a means to kick someone out and say they are not welcome. I can still attend church actively. The difference now is I am not considered "worthy" to serve in the church. Our church is run purely by volunteer work. I can no longer serve in any form. I cannot pray in church meetings or give talks anymore. I no longer am a holder of the priesthood which is the power to act in God's name.

Do I Sound Gay?

Is there such a thing as a "gay voice?" If there is, how does one learn to speak with a gay voice? Can you tell a person is gay simply by listening to the way they talk? 

As I was growing up, it was a tradition in my family to be "interviewed" each year on our birthdays. It was always something that I would look forward to with anticipation. I think the most thrilling part of it was the fact that the spotlight was on me and my brothers and sisters had to keep their mouths shut! My parents would video tape us on our respective birthdays and ask us questions like, "What's your favorite color? Who is your best friend? What's your favorite movie?" It was meant to be a glimpse at where we were at in our lives. After the filming was over we were always excited to watch it and see how it turned out, of course. I still remember (to this day) the first time I realized I sounded like a girl. 

It was probably on my 5th or 6th birthday interview and as I listened to myself speak in the video I thought, "That's not my voice. I don't sound like that. I sound like a girl in this video." I hated my voice! I didn't want to sound like a girl! Even at that early of an age I knew I needed to change the way I sounded. It was not because I understood what being gay was back then, but because I knew I was a boy and was supposed to sound like one. 

One of the great things about kids is that most of the time they don't really care about what is cool and what is not. They can dance, sing, have messy hair, and not be embarrassed by it. Insecurities seem to arise a little later in life when we become teenagers. With that being said, I still was aware of the way I talked and tried to not talk so feminine. No, it wasn't a constant thought, but it crossed my mind many times. It got to the point when I was 8 or 9 that I was very confused and frustrated with my life (as frustrated as an 8 or 9 year old can be). I was frustrated because I was supposed to be a boy and like boy things yet I sounded like a girl. Not only did I sound like a girl, but I liked so many girly things too: painting my nails, pink being my favorite color (pink purse, pink ranger, pink everything), Disney Princess' were the best thing ever (especially Belle). So I came to the most logical conclusion any 8 year old would...if I sounded like, and acted more like a girl than a boy, then I had to be a girl *(see note at bottom). I remember exactly how I felt when I came to that irrational conclusion. I was hiding in the bathroom, crying my head off because I wanted to be a girl. I thought God had made a mistake and put me in a boy's body when in fact I was a girl. Those feelings haunted me for a while. I had no way to deal with it other than just trying to hide it and pretend I didn't feel that way. I'm not saying I became a man's man after that, but I tried my hardest to be like the other boys. I tried hard to not sound so feminine. I tried not to acknowledge some of my more girly interests for fear or people judging me. 

As I grew a little bit in maturity and age I started to have a better understanding of what being gay meant. I started hiding parts of me and altering my behavior for a different reason then I used to. I hid so no one would think I was gay instead of hiding because I thought people would think I was a girl. I was still putting a mask on, but for different reasons. If you've read some of my other posts, then you know that I didn't really think I was gay at that time in my life. I just knew I didn't want anyone to think I was gay...because in my mind...I wasn't.

I felt like I did a pretty good job hiding my feminine side as I got older (or maybe I didn't...and I was just fooling myself, I don't know). That came at a price though. I had to put a mask on every day of my life. It was a conscious thing that I did.

Even after accepting that I was gay when I was 21 years old, I still kept the mask on. I was about to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I did want any of my missionary companions to suspect that I was gay. I was forced to live with these guys and be around them 24/7. That would have been terribly awkward for both of us if they found out. When I got home from my mission I started thinking about taking some of those walls down. It was nice to not have to filter everything that came out of my mouth. I slowly was able to allow myself to tap into my real self; The self I tried so hard to abandon when I was younger. Then, I came out publicly in February and that was a huge leap. I had no fear anymore of people finding out that I was gay! I could be myself. It was, and has been amazing!

Then a funny thing happened just the other day. I heard a recording of myself and in that recording I was speaking. I was thrown back for a second...I sounded gay...! Just like when I was a little kid, I didn't recognize my voice. I thought to myself, "I don't really sound like that, do I?" Isn't that the weirdest response ever! Me,...Andy...gay...surprised...that I sounded gay...? I guess it has just been a gradual change that I didn't notice my voice had changed so much! Before some of you start thinking that this is something that us gay guys just do to be flamboyant...please rethink that. It is not some "show" that we put on. It is not to get "attention". The show I put on for most of my life was the show of masculinity and trying to hide my femininity. I am done with the shows now people! I had a flamboyant voice since I was a kid...before I even knew what being gay meant or was...before I had even been around gay people. This is my voice...and I love it! I am fabulous! 

When you listen to people talk, do you ever categorize them by the way they sound? They are gay or they are straight. To be honest...I catch myself doing that sometimes and I hate myself when I do. Even though I am guilty of that at times, does that mean I am wrong....YES! Sounding gay is available to everyone. I won't get into the science of it all, but we learn how to speak at a young age. Some people take on attributes of speaking from women in their lives and some take it from men in their lives. I have known many people that sound as gay as unicorn...but are actually straight. I have met many gay guys that are super masculine. Does it seem like a lot of gay guys have feminine voices...yeah! I am sure there is a reason for that...but I commit to stop putting people in a box and assuming things right away. What about you?

I really don't like it when people judge people for how flamboyant people are. Many people have said things to me like, "Why do gay guys have to put on such a show? Their rainbows, makeup, voices, dress, attitude, etc." Are some of the things you see a show...probably...but MOST ARE NOT! This is who we are people! It's not a show for me! We are gay...gay used to mean happy! Accept us for who we are, *Me taking a bow* (Applause, applause)

*Even though at an early age I believed I was a girl...I wanted to be clear and say that I do not feel that way now. I believed that because it was the only conclusion I could come up with at the time. I want to be clear, not because there is anything wrong with transgendered people, but because some people might get that mixed up. Sexual orientation and gender identity are completely different things. They are not related. Just because someone is transgendered does not mean they are gay and visa versa.