This is such a taboo thing to talk about...but I like pushing the boundaries and talking about important things. Part of the reason I decided to come out publically and become more open with the struggles I have been through in my life is because I wanted to do my part in helping those that struggle with suicidal thoughts. You don't have to be gay for this to apply to you. You don't even have to have had suicidal thoughts. But maybe you do struggle with this and hearing from me can help. Or maybe you will realize there are people in your life that do struggle with this that you can help. We can sympathize with each other because we all go through our own struggles. I figured this was a necessary thing to talk about because suicide is such a terrible thing that can be prevented. I am not ashamed to say that I struggled with depression for years and with that depression came thoughts of suicide.
Depression was like a nightmare. I had no control of what was going on. There was no way out and it felt like no one cared. I felt useless, not good enough, and hopeless. I was scared and lonely all of the time. No matter what I did or who I was with, the feelings were always there. I felt alone in a room full of people. I felt like there was no point in trying anymore. It was an endless circle of failure. I felt empty, like I was not really existing. I was breathing, but that didn’t mean I was alive. It hurt to smile, to laugh, and to breathe. Everything I did hurt and there was no getting away from it. No one understood what I was feeling. I was silent, but in reality I was screaming for help. Depression is different for everyone that experiences it. Only the individual knows what it feels like for them.
Suicide is such an ugly thing and not something that I like talking about. This is a real problem though, especially with youth today. Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among young people ages 10 to 24. LGBT youth are 14 times more likely to attempt suicide as their straight peers…14 TIMES MORE LIKELY! Almost half of LGBT individuals have said they have attempted suicide at least once in their life. This is a serious problem! No person should ever feel the need to take their own life.
With the SCOTUS ruling this summer, gay marriage has been a big topic. This decision is a significant step in the right direction! Regardless of whether you believe it is wrong or not, I'll tell you why this decision will change lives. Think of how it used to be for LGBT people. They grew up seeing how different they were from their peers and what society is telling them to be. They feel ostracized because of their sexuality. They are bullied for who they are. They are told by people they love that they are not natural and wrong. But now, kids can grow up seeing straight and gay parents at school. People will no longer feel like an outcast because if their sexualuty or identity. Suicide for bwing gay will become less and less prominent. So some may see the decision to allow gay marriage as wrong...I see it as a way to save so many lives.
Being raised in a church that puts so much emphasize on marriage and having kids caused me to feel out of place. I spent a lot of my teenage years not even accepting the fact that I could be gay. There was no lesson in Sunday school about “What to do if you think you might be gay.” I felt like the feelings I was having would go away with time or if I tried hard enough. I spent all of high school ignoring my attraction and acting as if it was not there. I finally confronted these feeling after I graduated high school. That is when the depression was the worst. I felt out of place, alone, outcast, isolated, different, friendless, worthless, cursed, and I felt like I had nothing good to offer the world. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t change into a heterosexual. I knew that with my beliefs as a Mormon that I could never act on these natural feelings I was having. But how could I be happy the way that I was. I am lucky that I never attempted suicide. I blame that on another belief I have as a Mormon which is that suicide is also a sin. Suicide was never a real option for me. I was stuck, I couldn’t act out on my feelings because it was a sin and I couldn’t end my suffering because that was a sin also. I felt like I was in a straitjacket (no pun intended haha).
The situation I was in left me simply wishing with all of my heart that I could die. I would lay in bed at night crying, praying to God that he could cause me to just not wake up in the morning. I would have daydreams of getting into car crashes, having a heart attack, or getting murdered, and wish that one of these terrible things would happen to me. This was not a way to live! This was not the way to happiness. Something had to change.
I was able to get out of that terrible depression that I was in by accepting that I was gay and couldn’t change that part of my life. I found comfort knowing that God still loved me and that I wasn’t a sinner for feeling the way that I did. I realized I wasn’t a failure and I was stronger than I thought. Since that day in April of 2012, I still have had shadows of suicide flicker by my thoughts. Those shadows have gotten far less frequent and far less extreme to the point where I almost never have them anymore. I have been told that I have a good smile. I had used that smile all my life to hide the mess I was on the inside. I am now at a point where I have never been happier. When I smile today, there is no agony being hid behind those teeth anymore.
Like I said at the beginning, I believe that the more we talk about tough things, the easier it will be for those silent strugglers. I hope that anyone that may feel that inner turmoil will be able to get strength in knowing that you are not alone. Feeling alone was the absolute worst part of what I went through. If I can help at least one person realize they have support and someone that will listen to them, then all I have done will be worth it. It really does get better!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle that you know nothing about. No one knew about my struggle. Some people aren’t as good at hiding it as others like me. Reach out to those you love and treat them the way Christ would have treated them...and maybe you'll save a life.
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