6 Things to Remember When You're Tired of Mormons

Do you ever read something and feel like the author stole the very idea of their text from your head in some mystical way? That happens to me every once in a while and it happened when I read this article. The author wrote down my exact beliefs in why I still keep on keeping on with the Mormon faith. I love God with all my heart but sometimes the people get to me. This article is about how I get over those feelings I have sometimes.

I want to stress that this post is not written by me. The content is not mine. I simply shared this post because it resonated with my soul & I wanted to share it to my readers as well as ponder back on it for my reference. 

Liz, the author of this article mentioned some similar hardships that I have. She said, "..over the years, I've found a way to carve out my own space in the Church. It's an ongoing process, but I thought I'd share some of my tools - a practical guide to how to carve out your own space of belonging. Some of these tools may work for you, some of them may not. Spirituality is so personal. But if you sometimes sit in sacrament meeting and wonder what the hell you're doing there, know that I've been there, and sometimes I'm still there, but remembering the following things help me to keep perspective." 

1. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you - just what you think of you, and what God thinks of you. 

This is probably the biggest guiding principle in my life. And it's completely impossible to truly remember and live by all the time. But it's really what everything else in this list comes down to, and when you can remember it, it's empowering. So what if the Relief Society President thinks you're immodest? She's not in charge of your eternal salvation. And even if she or other leaders have a hand in your eternal judgement, God's judgement will override any of that. 

2. Personal revelation is more important than anything else. 

In our Church, we speak often about the importance of obedience, of faith in the Church, of following the counsel of leaders even when we don't understand it. And there is value in those things...we can grow and learn from doing those things. But there may be times that your own conscience may dictate otherwise. Those are painful moments, and it can be really really difficult to trust that you're doing the right thing in following your own heart. And maybe sometimes it's NOT the right thing to follow your own heart. But your responsibility as a human being is to take everything you are told to the Lord. And if your own personal revelation says something contrary to what leaders of the Church may say, trust it. I'm not talking about things like commandments. Personal revelation will NOT be contrary to the commandments. I'm talking about things like leader's opinions on the Big Bang, or the best way to be a parent, or what legislation should be passed. I honor and sustain the men and women called to lead this Church, but recognize that it is not meet that we are commanded in all things, and that sometimes something that seems like revelation for the entire Church may not be when you seek confirmation of it. Others may judge you for your interpretation by statements by leaders, but those who pass judgement are not in charge of your eternal salvation, so it doesn't matter what they think. 

3. You have permission to leave if your pain exceeds your nourishment. 

I mean this on a short-term basis, although I think it can apply long-term. But since the point of this post is to help people stay active if they want to, I'm mostly focusing on short-term. It's inevitable that someone will say something in one of your meetings someday that rubs you the wrong way. You may never have a day when you go to Church and 100% agree with everyone around you. Most of the time you can just shift your focus, listen to the Spirit, dig into your scriptures on your own, find some way to help you stay grounded. But sometimes the sheer effort of doing that distracts from the actual nourishment you can be receiving. So if you need to step out for a few minutes, for the rest of the meeting, or for the rest of the day, give yourself permission to do that. Take your worship into your own hands. It's almost always best to stay. But if you're not getting anything out of Church, put yourself in a situation where you ARE being spiritually nourished.

4. God's children are flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wrecks.

This includes:

-the elderly man who takes his sacrament talk as an opportunity to share his personal opinions on abortion and gay marriage. 

-The bishop, Relief Society president, the Elder's Quorum president, and any other leaders

-The lady in Sunday school who says the only sex ed children need is the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife

-The Stake President's wife, who tells everyone from the pulpit that you will feel the Spirit more if you shower every day

-The guy in your ward who says he gets to tell you that your stick-on tattoo is against the Honor Code because "he has the Priesthood and you don't"

-The Sunday School teacher who dismisses the comments a woman makes about the lesson, and then welcomes the exact same comment when it is made by a man. 

All of these are based on true and personal stories. The point is, "The Gospel is perfect, the people are not." And as difficult as it is to remember, this also goes for the prophets and apostles. Which takes me back to point #2--personal revelation is more important than anything else. If a leader says something you don't feel comfortable with, you have a right to take it to the Lord, figure it out, maybe even reject it. But no one should have to censor themselves to your own standards/beliefs..Even the idiots have a right to be here. They have a right to say whatever they do, and you have a right to dismiss it if you feel you must. (Also note, you are a flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wreck).

The other part of this truth is this:In the words of an old friend, "If somebody seems perfect, then either #1.They're Jesus or #2. They have something to hide. Probably #2 though." Many of the people you see at Church seem "orthodox" and "perfect" but are likely carrying things the rest of us can only dream of. Don't fail to imagine others complexly.

5. The purpose of Church is to nourish everyone, including those who are just beginning. 

For those who have been members for many years, or for the intellectual types, Church can sometimes just get plain boring. There is so much insanely interesting stuff in the scriptures and in Church history...complicated details that deserve our time and attention. And 99% of the time, that's NOT the stuff we talk about in Sunday School. But that's because everyone is at a different place in their progression and testimony. What if someone is returning to Church after a long hiatus? Or what if someone just got baptized? Or what if they're just investigating? Discussing the connections between LDS temple ceremonies and Masonic ritual is NOT going to bring them closer to Christ--it will probably overwhelm them. I'm not saying that studying those things is bad. In fact, I think it's really good and really really important. But that's what personal study is for, or discussions with friends and family. This is totally the "Gospel According to Liz," but to me it makes sense to say that while there is overlap. Church is primarily the time for nourishment, and personal study is primarily the time for learning.

6. For most of us, life is better with the Church than without it. 

This is the ultimate truth that keeps me in the pews. Because I haven't always had the Church in my life. And there have been times when I've had the Church, but not as fully. And here's what I think. Life can be painful and complicated and overwhelming. And that's true whether you're in the Church or not. So if it's true, you might as well continue to receive nourishment where you can. I know I can use all the help I can get when it comes to life, and the Gospel is the best source of help I've found.

The Rock Wall

Here's a final thought. Your testimony is like a rock wall. Everyone is constantly building to their walls, stone by stone. And every now and then, you may stumble upon a stone and not see exactly where it fits. It may be labeled "gay marriage" or "visiting teaching" or "hymns are boring" or "why do we have so many freaking meetings and why are so they so freaking long." But that doesn't mean you abandon the wall. It means you set the stone aside and keep building with what you DO know. And as you build, you may suddenly see where that stone fits. Some people have likened this process to a jigsaw puzzle, but that implies that every one's testimony looks the same eventually. I like the stone wall better because every one's will look completely different, and have different foundations, but all of them are still valid. It can be frustrating to feel sometimes like you're surrounded by stones you don't understand. But hang in there. You'll find their place eventually. And as you do, you'll find your OWN place, too. 

Social Media and Why I Do What I Do

Social media is an interesting thing. It can be used in amazing ways and it can be used in pointless ways. What is it's purpose? I think the answer to that question depends on who you ask. That is the beauty of social media though...it can be whatever you want it to be. Many of my Facebook friends and those that have read my previous blog posts probably see that I post some stuff sometimes that may surprise you. Some stuff that may be considered controversial. Especially to my friends of the Mormon faith. You may ask things like, "Why are you posting these things? I thought you were a returned missionary? How can you support gay marriage if the church doesn't? So if you support gay marriage that obviously means you are leaving the church, right?" Hopefully I will answer these questions so you can understand more fully why I do what I do.

If you remember, it wasn't until I was almost 21 years old that I finally stopped hating myself for being gay. I stopped having suicidal thoughts. I stopped self medicating my depression with food. I finally felt alive and more human. As you have seen, it was absolutely life changing for me to accept that I was gay and that God still loved me. After I figured this all out I would look at this revelation in two different ways. The first reaction I had was anger that it took me until I was 21 to figure out that I was not a horrible, sinful, unlovable person. Of all the years of Sunday school, seminary, priesthood, sacrament meeting talks, firesides, summer camps, FHE lessons, everything, I never once heard gays talked about in any form except that acting on it was an abomination. I was just so angry that it took me so long to figure this all out. The other part of me was incredibly grateful that I figured all of this out at such an early age. I, of course, have educated myself extensively on gays in the church since that first epiphany for me and have read countless stories of some members that went most of their life with the secret that they were gay. Some even forced themselves into heterosexual marriages without ever telling their spouse. The pain they must have felt from all those years of secrecy must have been unbearable. My view on this today is yes, I am thankful I figured it out at the age of 21, but more needs to be done to educate our youth and members about this topic!

I have spent many nights on my knees praying to God to know how I can make the most out of the cards I have been dealt. I want to do the most good possible with the fact that I am gay because I definitely cannot change that fact. The action plan for me has looked different through the different stages of the life I have lived in the past three years. At this point in my life I believe, through my conversations with my Heavenly Father, that my calling right now is to educate everyone (specifically members of the Mormon church) on gays. Of course I can only speak from this one perspective, but I know that this one perspective can make a difference.

A common thought I have noticed of those that grew up in a similar situation as me is, "I must be the only gay Mormon in the whole church. No one ever talks about it so something must be wrong with me." I couldn't have been more wrong. I am still surprised at how many gay Mormons are actually out there. Just in my tiny YSA branch in Houston Texas I know of 3 people that consider themselves LGBT. I know of 4 Elders and Sisters from my mission that also identify as LGBT. Since coming out publicly, I have had countless people contact me to tell me how much my posts have helped them. Some of these people are inactive LDS members of course, but most are simple LDS members wanting to do the most they can do serve God. Some are bishops, elders quorum presidents, primary teachers, and even mission presidents. I can promise you that there is at least one LGBT person in your ward...minimum. MINIMUM! You probably won't know who that person is because it is so taboo to talk about it. Just because someone is born into the Mormon church does not make them less likely to be gay. There are 15 million members of our church. In America. as a population, 3.4 percent of adults identify as being LGBT. There are approximately 6.5 million Mormons in the US. That means (statistically speaking) there should be roughly 221,000 LGBT Mormons just in America. Wow...that is a lot more that I used to think there was. You may not believe me, but hey, it's the truth.

I have two goals with my blog and my openness in sharing things related to LGBT people. One, is to help those people that may be struggling in silence. Who are scared, depressed, alone, lost, and wishing they could find relief. I do this because if there was an Andy Young doing what I am doing now when I was a teenager, then maybe I would have been happier. Maybe I wouldn't have had to go through all those years of darkness because I would have known another active LDS member who was gay and happy and positive about their circumstance. I write this blog because it was blogs like (Gay) Mormon Guy that changed my life and encouraged me to go on a mission. If I can affect one person the same way that this one blog affected me then all of this would be worth it. The second reason I have decided to share more about my life is to educate members of the church that we (gay Mormons) do in fact exist. We are real. Gays do not have to wear high heals or party all night. We are not spawns of Satan that only think about how much drunken, gay sex we can have. There are many of us that serve alongside you at church. Half of LGBT people consider themselves Christian. We need him too. Hopefully some of the things I post will help you consider things like, "What would I do if a gay couple come to my ward and want to worship beside me? What can I do to help my children and the youth I serve know that they can talk about their sexuality without fear of being judged or condemned? How can I show my support to LGBT people while still holding true to the values I have as a Mormon?" I can say that most Mormons I have talked to have never had to think about things like that...so that is why I do what I do.

Before you freak out about the things I talk about, think about how much the church has changed over the years. I could go on and on about what the church used to teach about blacks. The things taught over the pulpit (even by our apostles) sound horrendous to us today.

If I was alive 100 years ago then I would be excommunicated for admitting that I was attracted to the same gender even if I never acted on it. The church used to teach that being gay was a learned trait (even in the famous book that most of your have read, "The Miracle of Forgiveness" by Spencer W. Kimball it says ridiculous things like pornography causes homosexuality) and it is not something that we were born with. They did all sorts of horrible things to try and change gays into straights. We are meant to question things the church teaches us. Questioning does not mean apostate.

Things have changed a lot in the treatment of gays in the last decade, but I still see so much misunderstanding and hateful comments from, specifically, members of the church (I'm not saying all members are this way. I have seen so many other members that show unconditional love and support). Most of you probably have the Articles of Faith memorized. Do you remember this one:

I am here to help foster that love and support for LGBT people. All LGBT people, the ones like me that are active in church AND the ones that have chosen to love who they are attracted to. And yes, I support gay marriage. That is another topic for another day, but know that the church may not agree with my view but the church says we are free to support gay marriage without fear of disciplinary action.

In my opinion, a lot of church culture is to try and appear perfect. Those big nasty sins are never talked about in church. Take pornography for instance. How often do you hear someone talking about their pornography addiction at church. Trust me, it's not because no one in your ward struggles with it because most male members of the church have struggled with it at one point in their life and it's never a battle that goes away completely. I think that if there was less secrecy to this problem then Satan would not have as much power to trick us into thinking we are the only ones that struggle with a problem. We would see that there is no shame to be felt in admitting this problem because we all sin. Yes, we need to feel godly sorrow for our sins but shame is from Satan. There is a lot of shame around LGBT people because we are taught to keep it hidden from the world. I believe there is power in authenticity. As I show you all of my vulnerabilities...I am strengthened and hopefully strengthen others by lettering people know they are not the only one with problems. I am open and put myself out there because I believe that I can save at least one life with this openness. Suicide is real and the more we talk about these things the less taboo they will become and the less alone people will feel.

I may put things on here that push what the cookie cutter Mormon may believe...so what! Why social media? Because it is the best way to spread my story. Stop reading what I post or unfollow me so my terrible posts will not offend you any longer. Everyone can have their own opinion though, but I really hope you have an educated opinion that comes from a Christlike thought patterns or else I might have to be mean to you if you post those things on my feed. You can absolutely disagree with me but at least know what you are talking about.

I post my blogs for a good reason. I want discussion, I want publicity (so if you think I am sharing valuable points...then share this), I want to even offend you if it causes you to wake up and realize you can be better at loving everyone around you. If this is done by pushing boundaries and taking some heat for it then so be it! But know that what this is all about for me is encouraging more love from everyone.

I love you, I love God, I love the LDS church, and I love myself (because that is one of the most important ones).

P.S. Please can you stop feeling like if I support gay marriage that I am personally insulting and attacking you and everything you believe in. You do not have to get defensive about it because I promise I am not attacking you. And yes, I know the church's stance on it so you don't have to tell me over and over again what the church is saying. I bet you that I know more about what the church is saying on this topic than you do anyways :) Okay? Thanks!

Suicide - My Silent Struggle

Updated September 10, 2015

This is such a taboo thing to talk about...but I like pushing the boundaries and talking about important things. Part of the reason I decided to come out publically and become more open with the struggles I have been through in my life is because I wanted to do my part in helping those that struggle with suicidal thoughts. You don't have to be gay for this to apply to you. You don't even have to have had suicidal thoughts. But maybe you do struggle with this and hearing from me can help. Or maybe you will realize there are people in your life that do struggle with this that you can help. We can sympathize with each other because we all go through our own struggles. I figured this was a necessary thing to talk about because suicide is such a terrible thing that can be prevented. I am not ashamed to say that I struggled with depression for years and with that depression came thoughts of suicide.

Depression was like a nightmare. I had no control of what was going on. There was no way out and it felt like no one cared. I felt useless, not good enough, and hopeless. I was scared and lonely all of the time. No matter what I did or who I was with, the feelings were always there. I felt alone in a room full of people. I felt like there was no point in trying anymore. It was an endless circle of failure. I felt empty, like I was not really existing. I was breathing, but that didn’t mean I was alive. It hurt to smile, to laugh, and to breathe. Everything I did hurt and there was no getting away from it. No one understood what I was feeling. I was silent, but in reality I was screaming for help. Depression is different for everyone that experiences it. Only the individual knows what it feels like for them.

Suicide is such an ugly thing and not something that I like talking about. This is a real problem though, especially with youth today. Suicide is the 2^nd leading cause of death among young people ages 10 to 24. LGBT youth are 14 times more likely to attempt suicide as their straight peers…14 TIMES MORE LIKELY! Almost half of LGBT individuals have said they have attempted suicide at least once in their life. This is a serious problem! No person should ever feel the need to take their own life.

With the SCOTUS ruling this summer, gay marriage has been a big topic. This decision is a significant step in the right direction! Regardless of whether you believe it is wrong or not, I'll tell you why this decision will change lives. Think of how it used to be for LGBT people. They grew up seeing how different they were from their peers and what society is telling them to be. They feel ostracized because of their sexuality. They are bullied for who they are. They are told by people they love that they are not natural and wrong. But now, kids can grow up seeing straight and gay parents at school. People will no longer feel like an outcast because if their sexualuty or identity. Suicide for bwing gay will become less and less prominent. So some may see the decision to allow gay marriage as wrong...I see it as a way to save so many lives.

Being raised in a church that puts so much emphasize on marriage and having kids caused me to feel out of place. I spent a lot of my teenage years not even accepting the fact that I could be gay. There was no lesson in Sunday school about “What to do if you think you might be gay.” I felt like the feelings I was having would go away with time or if I tried hard enough. I spent all of high school ignoring my attraction and acting as if it was not there. I finally confronted these feeling after I graduated high school. That is when the depression was the worst. I felt out of place, alone, outcast, isolated, different, friendless, worthless, cursed, and I felt like I had nothing good to offer the world. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t change into a heterosexual. I knew that with my beliefs as a Mormon that I could never act on these natural feelings I was having. But how could I be happy the way that I was. I am lucky that I never attempted suicide. I blame that on another belief I have as a Mormon which is that suicide is also a sin. Suicide was never a real option for me. I was stuck, I couldn’t act out on my feelings because it was a sin and I couldn’t end my suffering because that was a sin also. I felt like I was in a straitjacket (no pun intended haha).

The situation I was in left me simply wishing with all of my heart that I could die. I would lay in bed at night crying, praying to God that he could cause me to just not wake up in the morning. I would have daydreams of getting into car crashes, having a heart attack, or getting murdered, and wish that one of these terrible things would happen to me. This was not a way to live! This was not the way to happiness. Something had to change.

I was able to get out of that terrible depression that I was in by accepting that I was gay and couldn’t change that part of my life. I found comfort knowing that God still loved me and that I wasn’t a sinner for feeling the way that I did. I realized I wasn’t a failure and I was stronger than I thought. Since that day in April of 2012, I still have had shadows of suicide flicker by my thoughts. Those shadows have gotten far less frequent and far less extreme to the point where I almost never have them anymore. I have been told that I have a good smile. I had used that smile all my life to hide the mess I was on the inside. I am now at a point where I have never been happier. When I smile today, there is no agony being hid behind those teeth anymore.

Like I said at the beginning, I believe that the more we talk about tough things, the easier it will be for those silent strugglers. I hope that anyone that may feel that inner turmoil will be able to get strength in knowing that you are not alone. Feeling alone was the absolute worst part of what I went through. If I can help at least one person realize they have support and someone that will listen to them, then all I have done will be worth it. It really does get better!

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle that you know nothing about. No one knew about my struggle. Some people aren’t as good at hiding it as others like me. Reach out to those you love and treat them the way Christ would have treated them...and maybe you'll save a life.

The Happiness Diet

(Original post from  February 22, 2015)

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, doctor, personal trainer, magician, theologist, ideologist, fortune teller, psychologist, and most certainly not a comedian. In other words I feel like sharing my feelings about something that I am not qualified to share my feelings on. But I am going to do it anyway so take it or leave it.

As most of you know I have made a drastic change in my appearance in the last couple of years. I went from looking like this:

To looking like this : 

I am showing how deep the water was during Hurricane Ike

A total of 135 pounds gone so far. 13 inches off of the waist. Man, I should have been on the biggest loser or got some company to hire me to be there weight loss model. I could have been the next $ubway guy. Gosh, dang it! Well… “How did you do it Andy?” Lots of you have asked me that question. I am now officially apologizing for not being completely honest with any of you. I would tell you that it was a lot of hard work (true), changing my eating habits (true), exercising (true), but there is something that I believe is VITAL in my weight loss journey that I never mentioned. I believe 100% that I was on the happiness diet. Yep, you read that right, the happiness diet. I couldn't go out and buy it at the store or order it within the next 20 minutes to get the second one free. It was something I had to find for myself.

The weight started coming off (and staying off) in April of 2012. If you read my last post you will remember that April of 2012 was when I accepted that I was gay. As I look back now, I have concluded that I had used food as a way to control a part of my life when I felt like I could not control so many other things. I saw food as a way to make me happy. I used food as a way of self-medicating my depression. I allowed myself to be so obese as a way of punishing myself for not being good enough. I let my body image reflect how I felt on the inside. But once I started loving myself and got out of my depression the weight melted off. I am sure if I did some research on this topic I could find stuff to back up my theory.

SIDE NOTE: Before I go any further I want to be perfectly clear about something….these are all conclusions from my life and how my weight has applied to my life. In NO way am I saying that anyone that is overweight is therefore depressed. Trust me honey, I am the last person to judge someone with a little extra weight on their bones.

Body image can be a very sensitive topic nowadays so I approach this cautiously. We all see the magazines showing us how society wants us to look. Can we all just agree that those pictures are fake and no one looks like that?! On the contrary, many voices in the world say that all we need to do is accept the skin that we are in and love ourselves...which I totally agree with! We are all different and look different and that is life! I was okay being as fat as I was most of the time. Yeah, I would have loved to have a perfect body but I liked food more than I wanted that body. I have come to learn that the only person that can affect your own body weight is yourself (duhhhhh). If you are happy being 10% body fat or 50% body fat….go for it dude!

Being skinny makes me really happy though and I will tell you some reasons why:

1)      It means I accomplished something really really really really hard! Losing 20 pounds is a big deal for some people but to lose 135 pounds….man was that hard! There is so much satisfaction in knowing I climbed that mountain.

2)      It gives me freedom. I am no longer restricted in my mobility because there is too much dragging me down. I have taken up long distance running and whenever I tell people I love to run they never understand why. This is why: because I feel free! If I want to go outside and run 7 miles….then I can! Do you realize how cool that is? Just running down the street before would have left me winded. I can play basketball, volleyball, soccer, you name it, and not get winded! I can dance and move. The restrictions I now place on my eating habits are far less than the restrictions I had from being obese. So not eating that piece of cake is actually giving me more freedom!

3)      Ummmmm my health! I don't care who you are, you have to agree that it is healthier to be active and eating right. Our bodies are meant to be this way. I simply feel better when I eat right and exercise. Food is EVERYWHERE in our society today and we don't really need most of what is out there. No, you don’t need that double bacon hamburger or candy or Cheetos or ice cream or second helping of bread sticks. I love food but what has really helped me is to see food as energy for my body. It is fuel and I am taking care of my vehicle. I want to live a long healthy life! I don’t want to have to worry about diabetes, my blood pressure, or my cholesterol. Our bodies are a temple and I definitely did not see it that way a few years ago!

4)      And I would be lying if I said I didn't care about how I look. Yeah, it’s nice to be skinny because I think I look better.

Clothes are so much more fun now (I buy way too many clothes ha ha). I see it as a positive reaction to all the hard work that I put into staying healthy.

Am I proud of myself for losing 135 pounds...? Heck yeah I am! I may bring it up a lot because it is such big deal to me. So sorry if I mention it too much! Just because you haven't lost 135 pounds doesn't mean you aren't beautiful either! Figure out what you want and stick with it!

So there is my take on body image. Love yourself and be healthy. Hopefully I didn't blow your mind too much ha ha.

P.S. If someone would like to give me some new skin I would love you forever. Carrying over 100 pounds of extra weight for such a long period of time has left my skin....very stretchy and marked. Please work on that guys! Okay thanks!

I Am Loved

(I decided to switch which site I used for my blog so this post was actually posted on February 15, 2015)

SO I came out to Facebook this last week. It’s been exciting, emotional, and scary to say the least! But this picture:

may have left you wondering things like, “Well, what exactly does that mean? Is he leaving the church? How did he get so skinny? Does he have a boyfriend? What was he thinking? How is his hair so amazing? How long has he know he was gay? Why does he look so happy? How tall is he (well that is just a question that everyone has when they see me so I thought I would include it). It’s all confusing isn’t it? Yes, deciding to post something that I have kept so secretive and personal for my whole life was TERRIFYING but later on you will see why it was worth it for me. Deciding to post it was actually an easier decision than deciding which shirt I should wear in the picture (purple is the winner I guess). I am always really good about recording my thoughts and experiences in a journal and so I took the opportunity to try and record some of my experiences I have had in my life so you could maybe get a glimpse into my brain and where I am coming from with this new announcement.

The Challenge to Become

I was not born into this life as a finished product. I am like the caterpillar that can change into a butterfly, the coal that changes into the diamond, the grain of sand that changes into a pearl. Some of these changes take long periods of time before the desired result is achieved. I know that I was born with weaknesses. God expects me to finish my story better than when I started it.

Epiphany

The day was April 7th, 2012. I was at my best friend’s house hanging out. Her cousin was also there, and my best friend decided to show us both a video she had stumbled upon. All she told us about the video was that she thought it was a cool thing that some students put together at BYU. The video was called, "It Gets Better at BYU." I sat there watching and realized that the video was a compilation of BYU students that were gay. I was in shock. The video was the last thing I had expected, yet it pierced my heart to the very center. I had to fight back the tears (Hey guys, I learned that the secret to not crying is to just never breathe). These students were saying that they were attracted to those of the same gender, and that this was okay because there was no sin in the attraction itself. My mind had been turned upside down. I never had even considered that being attracted to another guy was not a sin. I had so many emotions going through me all at once that I did not know what to think. Part of me wanted to scream out to my friends at the end of the video, “I’m gay!” However, I still had years of barriers and walls put up around me that left me terrified of the unknown and the newness of this revelation. My courage failed me that night, but I definitely had a lot to think about.

Concealed Pain

Let’s rewind to what it was like for me growing up. I was a happy child who was afraid of the dark, but not afraid to show my feelings. I was the kid whose goal in life was to become the pink Power Ranger, whose favorite toy was his Belle doll from Beauty and the Beast, who carried around his pink purse everywhere he went, much to my dad’s chagrin.

I started to realize when I got older, and started going to school, that those things were not normal for boys to like. I slowly started trying to fit in with the “norm.” As the years passed, I continued to suppress any traits that might have been considered “gay.” I ended up being very “homophobic” throughout my life. I would make fun of the openly gay guys at my school. I disliked them and thought they were disgusting. In reality, I feared and hated myself so much that it led to that fear and hatred to be projected towards all gay people. I put on a mask, and this mask became part of my identity. I did not do this because I thought I was gay, but because it was simply not normal for guys to like those sorts of things.

I experienced a lot of confusion through the years. As most of my peers were developing strong feelings towards girls and started noticing them I wasn’t catching on to the same thing they were. In church we were always taught to bridle our passions so I thought I was doing an exceptional job at that. I couldn’t help but notice the other guys changing in the locker rooms though. Wasn’t I supposed to want to look at women, right? I still had not accepted that I was gay at this time (I am pretty stubborn guys). I was always taught that being gay was a choice. Any thought of even the possibility that I could be gay was quickly hidden and locked away with the key thrown out. I had never made that choice, so as far as I was concerned, I was not gay. I tried every angle to convince myself that I was not gay. I thought my attraction to women maybe just hadn’t come on yet. I convinced myself that I simply admired other men’s bodies. I had always been overweight growing up, and I thought that contributed to my desire to look like these beautiful men. I subconsciously told myself all of these lies to avoid facing the monster that I felt was inside of me.

The Call to Serve

After I graduated high school things started to go down the drain. I no longer could live under the wing of being an adolescent. I had to face the monstrosity I had locked away long ago. I have an early birthday in the school year, so all of a sudden I realized that I was expected to go on a mission in just a few short months when I turned 19. However, I had never had a desire to serve a mission. Church was not that important to me. I had a very weak testimony. Even though I had no desire to serve a mission, I knew that I needed to. At the very root of my soul, I knew the Church was true, even if my actions were not aligned with the gospel at that time. As I look back on my life now, I realize I was given a special gift from my Father in Heaven. That gift is that I have never doubted the truthfulness of His gospel. I strongly believe that this has been a perfect counter for my same-sex attraction. It has kept me from leaving when I wanted more than anything to give in and live a gay lifestyle.

I was still convinced that to go on a mission I couldn’t be attracted to guys. I tried everything I could think of but just couldn’t understand why boobs were so interesting. I thought I was not trying hard enough to change. Consequently, I read my scriptures more often, prayed more fervently, and served as much as I could in the Church. I even fasted every other day for a two-week period in hopes that God would answer my one prayer: to take away this attraction. He never did answer the way I wanted. No matter what I did, I could not shake off this fascination with men.

At this point, I believed God simply did not love me or care about me enough to grant me what was, in my mind, a righteous desire. I felt as if I was the only person in the Church that experienced this problem since I never heard it mentioned. It drove me into a deep depression. I hated myself because I wasn’t strong enough to become “straight.” I did a pretty good job hiding the broken person I was on the inside. The key is to just smile even though my heart was broken on the inside. No one knew that I was thinking of suicide and would cry myself to sleep every night because of the crushing despair I felt. I knew suicide was not an option because, again, somewhere deep inside, I knew the Church was true. Yet that didn't stop me from wishing I could die and pleading that I would not have to wake up the next morning. I felt trapped. Any thought of the future left me in agony.

If I ever did hear homosexuality mentioned at church, it was always in a negative context. The thought the Church was saying that homosexuality was a sin, abomination, perversion, repugnant, unnatural, vile, and a disease. Can you imagine how I felt when I heard these messages? I used to think that this referred to anyone that had an attraction to the same gender. So I felt as if God had cursed me. I felt dirty. I felt like I should not exist. This terrible self-deprecation went on for almost 2 years. I now had no desire to go on a mission or to even go to Church for that matter. Prayer was nonexistent. Hope was not even a serious thought. This was the darkest place I have ever been in my life.

Newfound Hope

I graduated high school in 2010, and I was in this broken state until the night my friend showed me the video, “It Gets Better at Brigham Young University.” My life changed forever after that moment. As I drove home that night, I was crying with joy. My view of myself had completely changed. I was worthy to go on a mission. The attraction was not a sin. God did love me. In the midst of all of these feelings, I realized I needed to accept myself for who I was. I then verbally said to myself in the car, "Andy, you are gay!" There are absolutely no words to describe the joy I felt at that moment and the love I felt from God (I can’t imagine what the guy in the car next to me thought as he saw me crying and laughing and smiling and dancing all at the same time). It had to be one of the happiest moments of my life!

I still remember waking up that next morning—Easter Sunday. I went to the bathroom to get ready for Church and looked at myself in the mirror, and it shocked me. I saw something different than I normally did. I saw something beautiful. I saw a child of God. I saw myself as God sees me. I just cried (and smiled and laughed and danced again).

I didn't hate the thing staring back at me anymore. I had never been so happy in my entire life. It was the most pure form of joy that I have ever experienced. For the first time in a long time I loved myself and accepted who I was. Everything was different from that moment forward.

This newfound hope helped me finally decide that it was time to serve a mission. I had my papers in very quickly and ended up leaving for my mission a little over five months after that first epiphany in April. To be honest, I still had a very little desire to serve a mission, but I drew strength from my Savior’s example. Jesus Christ did not want to have to endure the suffering that would be a result from His performing the Atonement. He asked His Father if there was a less excruciating way, but these seven words changed the world, “Nevertheless, not my will, but thine be done” (Luke 22:42). It was okay that I did not want to serve a mission. All God cared about was if I overcame my own desires and put my Father’s will in front of my own.

The Field is White

Going on a mission was a huge leap of faith for me, and I remember having some reservations. I remember feeling overwhelmed when I had the realization that I was willingly volunteering to surround myself with young, clean cut, well-dressed guys for whom I was not supposed to develop romantic feelings. I would be expected to live with a guy and be around him 24/7. What was I thinking? My mission was incredibly difficult and at the same time extremely rewarding. I was able to understand my attractions so much more as I was forced to interact with other Elders.

I had my ups and downs during those two years, but I was ultimately able to serve an honorable mission. Even though being a missionary was difficult for me, it was still the most rewarding two years of my life, and I wouldn’t trade the experiences I had for anything. I am the man I am today largely because of the growth I experienced from my time in Seattle.

Facing Reality

I think one of the hardest things about this trial in my life has been the loneliness; the realization that if I follow what the church teaches then I will never be in a romantic relationship in this life. With this struggle, I feel two opposing forces pulling me in different directions. At times, I find myself stuck right in the middle of this battle. It is a terrible feeling that takes away all of my motivation. I can feel my heart break as if it has been left in hundreds of pieces. I feel as if my heart weighs ten times its weight. I feel like I am getting stretched too far and am about to snap. There is a constant resistance that drives me crazy.

This opposition sometimes leads me to feel overcome with questions and doubts. Will I stray from what I know to be true? Will I stay faithful to the covenants I have made? Will I be able to endure a challenge like this for the rest of my life? It is days like these where I have to slow down and simply worry about what I will do right now, at this very moment. I am going to be very open, honest and vulnerable with my words (as if this whole thing isn’t me being open), I do not know the answers to those questions I just presented. There are some that may be thinking, “Well, that is such an easy answer Andy! You need to…never give up on the gospel (or I also know many of you would say that I should be true to who I am and forget this whole Mormon thing). I wish there was a way for you to get into my head and see how I think and why I make decisions. But I can’t do that. Whatever happens in the future for me just know that you are not in my shoes! You don’t know what it is like to be Andy. Only I do and only God does. There is no space for you to judge me in any of my choices (whether you think I am crazy for not being with a man or if you think I am a failure if I do decide to be with a man). Just do what Jesus would do—love me!

Facing the Future with Hope

The growth and changes I have made in my life would not be possible without the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement heals me when I wound myself by making stupid mistakes. The enabling power of the Atonement is what allows me to become better. When I feel like I cannot perform a hard task, when there are no more tears to cry, when I want to give up, He is there, if I let Him. Knowing what my Savior did for me changes everything. “And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind...and he will take upon him their infirmities that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11-12). In those moments when I feel completely alone, I remind myself that my Savior knows exactly what I am going through. With this thought, I can overcome what I am facing at that moment. All that seems unfair in life can be made right through the Atonement. The Atonement is so real to me.

My decision to come out over Facebook probably gives you a sign of where I am at with my acceptance of this all. I don’t care what people think so it was time to stop hiding. It is so exhausting pretending to be straight! I can now be myself around people. I couldn’t be happier now that I am out. I can be myself and not have to stress anymore.

I don’t have all of the answers. I still struggle with doubts and depression sometimes. I definitely do not have it all figured out. That is to be expected. My message of hope is simply that God loves all of His children. That we all have struggles we are working on. That suffering in silence is no bueno! That we all need to just love ourselves. This hope I feel has led me to be completely satisfied with my life right now. All God wants is for us to live to the best of our ability, knowing we are going to make mistakes along the way. I can imagine my fifteen-year-old self not understanding why I am about to say this, but I am incredibly grateful for this trial in my life! I would not trade my cross with anyone. I have been able to develop as a son of God as I pass through the fiery furnace of affliction. This affliction is to help me become the butterfly, the diamond, and the pearl. I would not have the relationship with my Father in Heaven that I have today if my life was a walk in the park. “I have learned that in this life our enemies can become our choicest friends; the secret is in learning what to do with the conflict” (Joanne D. Smith, “Annette’s Halo,” Ensign, Sept. 1991). Thank you all for all of the support and love you have sent my way. The response has really been overwhelming. Gosh, I just love myself so much and you should love yourself too! I am AMAZING (in a NON-narcissistic, self-centered, conceited sort of way)!