Understanding My Involvement with Mormonism

I am reading a book called "Leaving the Fold" and it is a psychology-based guide for former fundamentalists and others leaving their religion. I have never felt so "seen" by a philosopher and author! The things talked about in this book put into words so many of my experiences with breaking away from Mormonism. The author, Marlene Winell, is the psychologist that coined the term "Religious Trauma Syndrome" (or RTS) and I would have given ANYTHING to have this resource at my disposal 5 years ago when I was just beginning the journey of finding myself and freeing my mind from cult mind control. 

So I'm warning you now...this could be a long one! 

***Disclaimer: This post is about my personal experience being raised in a Mormon household and represents a time, my personality, and my situations. When I talk about religion I am specifically addressing the dogmatic and cult-like aspects of this fundamentalist religion that I was raised in. Fundamentalists are NOT crazy or stupid! They earnestly believe in their religion and the values they want to uphold in society.***

In this book I am reading there is a whole chapter dedicated to understanding your own involvement in religion. It has helped me learn and remember, "a number of the motivations behind religious commitment, with the aim of helping you understand and thus forgive yourself." It is important to understand that fundamentalist churches fill many core needs that we have as humans and those things go away once you leave the fold. When that happened in my life I felt utterly alone and like an adult child with very little "real world" expertise (especially since I transitioned into the gay community at the same time). 

Often, it is hard to remember the benefits (as negatively loaded as those benefits come) that I received from being a member because it has been so easy to feel angry for the control and manipulation that I experienced.  I truly believed and tried to make my religion work with my life. I felt God's love and had a relationship with Him. It was the one certain relationship in my life where I knew I would have a perfect lover, God. Mormonism was something that was precious to me and I loved the doctrine, people, and practice (most of the time, or I would have never left). I am trying to allow myself to mourn the loss of my love for God. My heart was literally broken as I realized all the harm and indoctrination that had been happening to me my entire life and I didn't know how to handle that 5 years ago..so I ignored that pain as best as I could. I focused on the new freedom I found and the ability to do the things that I wanted to do in my life. 

As I continue in the healing process I wanted to remember all the positive things that I got from those 23 years in the church. I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed of my church service. The choices and commitments I made in my past made sense at the time and hey...humanity is all about making mistakes. I need to accept and forgive myself more fully. I hope that in remembering the motivations for my religious commitment that I will be able to see more clearly and continue to move forward. I want to be a voice for those that have dealt with similar issues or that are considering leaving their religion as well.

Mormons believe that children are not capable of sin until the age of 8 when they are therefore baptized to allow Christ to cleanse them of their sins as they strive for perfection. They wait until 8 because they want it to be a choice to follow Jesus, but I am here to argue that even at 8...there is no choice! I became a Mormon because my parents are devout Mormons. My family screened reality in a way that decided my perceptions and developing world-views. The religion of my environment was truth in my eyes and I felt tremendous pressure to conform. Marlene Winell poses the questions, 

What were you supposed to do? Judge your parents as incompetent and go shopping for new ones? The truth is that children will adjust their views of reality to survive, sustaining a belief in their parents no matter what, because that is all they have.

In honor of Halloween

There is nothing innately wrong with meeting human needs of survival, safety, belonging, and self-esteem. Fundamentalist religious systems can help you cope with frighting dilemmas around death, responsibility, isolation, and meaning, but at what cost? 

"Incredible threats and promises are made for heaven, hell, and miracles here on Earth. The result is that people are disempowered by this approach to having their needs met. Since the source of all the benefits offered is external, requiring dependence on God and the church, internal resources atrophy. This process degrades the self and becomes a serious threat to human well-being."

I want to create a guide addressed to my 8-year-old self to help little Andy understand that even with all the manipulation...the church did satisfy some basic and deep needs when I was in the "fold."

Safety and Security

Rescued from Death

The terror of death is one of the most pressing concerns you can have as a human. Your ability to ponder future events can be a frightening burden if you imagine that your thoughts, intellect, memories, and sense of self will no longer exist one day. How can this be? Isn't there life after death? The church was able to satisfy that fear with the promise of everlasting life in a state of never-ending happiness.

Safety in This Life

The world is a dangerous place and you believe that evil is being spread around the world in an everlasting battle against Satan. You believe that you can have the protection of God against those dangers and the insecurities of life as you go out into the world. This makes things easier to understand and gives you courage, strength, and peace of mind.  

Protection from Self 

You are taught that you are sinful by nature because of the fall of Adam. You are taught "you can externalize your internal experience - by projecting good and evil onto such images as Christ, God, and Satan - and thereby simplify the complexity of the psyche." Doing this can relieve some of the internal struggles you may feel as you strive to be saved. You believe that in turning your life over to Christ you will be able to overcome your attraction to men which you are taught is an abomination in the eyes of God. 

Guidance

Escape from Freedom and Responsibility

In the fundamentalist structure, making decisions is a matter of discerning God's will. You will try to lose yourself ("Not my will, but Thine be done") in a study of the scriptures as you desperately try to find what God wants for you. You will feel comfort in knowing that your whole life is planned out step by step for you already. You don't have to trouble yourself with any of those big decisions around responsibility and life choices. As Winell says, "Fundamentalist Christianity relieves the burden of responsibility very thoroughly. When one is born again and finds a place in the family of God, one's freedom and responsibility are traded for the comfort of following the plan." You are taught to lose yourself in the service of God as the church tries to take away any form of individuality and free thought so that you are able to be controlled. 

Ethics and Morals

With so many lifestyle choices in this world, the guidance on your personal ethics and morals is appreciated and makes it much easier to decide where you stand. Making knowledgeable choices and claiming responsibility for them can be difficult and the long list of "do's and don'ts" will create a sense of safety for you. You believe you are a child of God and sinful by nature so the rules make you think you are avoiding the disaster of your immoral self. You will find comfort and peace in knowing that those that surround you in your community share the same ethics and morals. 

Connectedness

Ultimate Intimacy 

You will continue to grow and feel very different from those around you and in your church community. You want to be loved and accepted. You desire unity, connection, and unconditional love, but the existential dilemma of isolation (the condition of being ultimately alone in spite of many relationships) will leave you feeling on your own. You find so much discomfort in this feeling that you want to avoid even being aware of it. The Church solves that problem for you by exposing you to God which can be the most intimate and perfect connection that never ends. This intimacy with Jesus Christ is comforting, fulfilling, exciting, and like an ideal fairytale marriage. As you continue to grow and feel that no other human understands you, then this relationship with God will bring you more and more comforting knowing that you are understood by at least one being in the universe. 

Family of God

Your desire to be a part of a family where your needs are cared for is strong, natural, and a very human experience. Every family has its faults so the idea of a "divine family" makes sense to yearn and strive for. You feel like you have a father in heaven that is all-knowing, all-powerful, and always available (which can't be promised by any mortal father). You feel understood and you feel like you belong as a privileged "child of God."

Belonging

When you become a member of the Mormon church, then you gain access to a very big and exclusive club. Mormonism has a full-blown subculture with a common language, belief systems, and behavioral codes and you find comfort and safety in that knowledge. You can travel to any Mormon service in the world and fit into a church community immediately. You can escape the anonymity of the world because the Mormon church has a role (or job) for everyone. The routine of going to church gives you structure with rituals and traditions that promote mindfulness that brings stability to your life. The shared hugs, tears, testimonials, and prayers provide you with great emotional release and bonding. You feel like you are a part of something bigger and better than yourself. 

Meaning

Cosmic Coherence

Is the universe random and meaningless? No one really knows but it is scary to imagine a cosmos in which we are all merely an accident without any real meaning. Religion was able to offer you definition and purpose at an early age when you were not ready to accept that the world is actually chaotic after all. You want there to be an underlying order that explains all things (past, present, and future) and a cosmic coherence that makes everything seem understandable. Since all that intellectual ambiguity can be distressing, religion was able to neatly give you all the answers that saved you from the frustration and anxiety that inevitably come whenever you ponder difficult questions. If there were any issues that your religion cannot answer, then you find relief in the belief that a benign father in heaven had everything under control. It truly can bring an aesthetic satisfaction of a universe with a grand design. Winell says, "In Christian fundamentalism, God's purpose is revealed, and you can find a place in it. Put most simply, our purpose is to be saved and to help save others. This is straightforward and significant, making other lifestyles seem pale in comparison."

Stimulation and Escapism

Religion can hold a lot of excitement and drama with the stories told in the Bible and Book of Mormon that deal with prophesying, battles, giants, magic, floods, and so much more! This all can become a great escape from the world and having to deal with your sexuality as you grow up. You can use heavy church attendance and religious behavior as an avoidance of dealing with real life. When you believe in the gospel you are promised the ultimate payoff of a blissful paradise with God. It is a very beautiful dream that I still wish was true. Alain De Botton says, 

There is quite a big part of me that would love religion to be true, and it's particularly at moments of crisis where I think my goodness, I would love to believe that this could be made better or that there was something beyond or that I could control the fate of a loved one. Life is going to pit all of us in extremely dramatic situations that certainly explain to me psychologically why God was not some luxury or piece of myth. I experience God as a psychological necessity for the intolerable anxiety and fear of being human. I can't believe in God. But boy, oh, boy, do I know why people do believe.

Self Acceptance 

When you accept Christ as your personal savior it becomes a form of self-acceptance. You have been trained that salvation means you are forgiven, clean, and acceptable to God. This will become especially powerful when you believe that God accepts you as a homosexual and view it as your own personal "cross to bear." You are encouraged to believe that God would never give you a trial that you cannot handle and that phrase keeps you alive in the darkest times of your life.

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (Corinthians 10:13)

Having that external approval from God will allow you to approve and love yourself more fully. This acceptance has a tremendous reward that is life-changing for you. The conversion experience allows you to accomplish a difficult task for every human being: self-acceptance. You believe that if you are the one lost sheep that Christ will come to your rescue because you are loved by him. Hearing stories of repentance and forgiveness like that of the prodigal son give you hope whenever you feel sinful and like a terrible disciple. Unfortunately, this is more of an external approval of yourself since it depends on God. It does not translate to true self-worth since that is lost if you leave the belief system, but it is enough to help you learn and grow. You want this acceptance so much that you will continue to believe the religious dogma until you can no longer bargain in good conscience. 

Mystical Experience

You learn to develop intensely satisfying and meaningful private spiritual experiences that create an altered state of consciousness. You are taught that this mystical practice is used as evidence of the Christian belief system and therefore don't allow yourself to doubt until your 20s. This practice opens up your heart and the arousal of love to create passion and fulfillment in your life. Because of this practice, you feel unity in all things and a profound sense of oneness with the universe that results in feelings of joy, a sensation of bliss, ecstatic happiness, and an experience of peace. 

Social Cause 

You learn the power of charity as you serve others and find ways to contribute to the world and your community. You are with a group of people that have a common goal which gives you meaning. You realize that as you help others you are also helping yourself by providing self-esteem and purpose. 

Power

Victory Over Outside Threat

You are taught that there is a colossal and constant battle going on between good and evil. Even though God will win in the end, the forces of Satan are formidable and stronger than humans. Therefore, you believe that God is required to help you withstand the onslaught of Satan and his devils. Helplessness and hopelessness are unbearable conditions for humans and we desire a sense of mastery, proficiency, and control in our lives. The promise of supernatural power to perform miracles sounds rather appealing when "All things are possible." Humans are naturally drawn to power when we face external odds and inner conflicts so being taught that you can be "victorious over sin" and achieve the "abundant live" gives you external power through faith in Christ. Power is a primary theme of Christianity as you analyze hymns and scriptures like "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name" and "Onward Christian Soldiers." 

He who conquers and who keeps my works until the end, I will give him power over the nations, and he shall rule them with a rod of iron, as when earthen pots are broken in peices, even as I myself have received power from my father; and I will give him the morning star." (Revelation 2:26-27)

Personal Power

All people want to be happy with their lives and who they are as a person. There is promise after promise that if you turn your life over to God, then you can find that peace and happiness in this life and the next. As you focus on channeling the Holy Ghost, then you feel that being happy and being a good person are a result of the power of God. This is a tempting alternative to the hard work of becoming more self-aware and focusing on personal improvement. 

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.
(Mosiah 2:41)

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I wrote these words to take an inventory of my religious experience and to continue in my personal healing. Consider it a personal journal entry to remind me of these things. I used many of the thoughts and ideas laid out in the book "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winell. I wanted to end with an afterword thought she gave about the practice of taking an inventory of the good that you received from religion. 

Although they were familiar already, in writing this book I had to look up the verses I quoted from the Bible to get the wording exact. As I did this, I gradually became aware of interesting feelings. I found myself turning the delicate pages of the Bible with caring affection, the way I did many years ago. The pages felt precious as I smoothed them out. I read whole chapters in the gospel of John, and I was moved by the words of Jesus at the Last Supper. 

Suddenly I recognized my experience. It was like reading all the letters from a lover I had left. The old bond was still present, the feelings of attachment and love, and a wave of sadness, a strange sense of betrayal. Here I was quoting my own love to build my arguments. “But it is okay,” I told myself, “This is only part of what I am saying.” Whoever he or she is, it is okay that I still love him. Whoever he or she is, telling the truth is important for both of us.

Excommunication: What was it really like? (5 years later)

Hello friends! Welcome to my blog :) If this is the first time you have ever read my blog, then I am not surprised. I started this back in 2015 to share my experience of being gay in the Mormon church. This blog changed and went on back-burner when I said goodbye to Mormonism and became just good ol' big gay Andy. 

I am lucky enough to have had over 12,000 people read my words on here. I have shared lots of vulnerable topics about my religious upbringing and coming to terms with my sexuality and I feel like I owe it to the small following that I have to update y'all on the last 5 years, what it was actually like to be excommunicated from the Mormon church, and what I would say to the 2015 version of me. 

Okay...condensed version for those that aren't familiar with my story: I'm the great-great-great grandson of the 2nd prophet of the Mormon church, Brigham Young. I come from a traditional and strong Mormon family where religion was well...just what we did. I went to all the church, youth groups, summer camps, service projects, and even did the whole 2 year mission from age 21-23 in Seattle, Washington. Basically, I was a good Mormon boy. Accepting my gayness took time though because of the out of date teachings the LDS church had on homosexuality that led to the shame, self-hatred, and depression I experienced until I accepted that I was in fact gay. I loved myself for who I was...finally!

Fast forward to a year after I got back from my mission and I was tired of trying to fit into the church as a gay man. There wasn't a spot for me, but I had been indoctrinated to believe that it was the only option I had or I would be faced with eternal hellfire and damnation (I really want to do a post about the terribly damaging affects religion can have on the psychological and social development of children). I was slowly moving away from the beliefs I had been taught since birth and trying to figure out how to simply...exist. It was hard work!!! I finally realized living my authentic life was the right thing to do, but I wanted the church leadership to know that someone like me was a part of their flock. I wanted them to know the real struggle I faced and how I gave it 100%. I could have continued to lie or just never go back, but instead I decided that being excommunicated was my best option for moving forward.

September 22, 2015 was the day of my disciplinary council. I went in front of 15 men in local leadership positions whose job it was to judge my worthiness and standing as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was all very secretive and no one else was allowed into the building. I went in that meeting already knowing what the result would be, but I still answered all their prying detail oriented questions truthfully about my sex life, my "sins," and if I was trying to recruit people to the gay agenda (I literally got asked that). I went in there and looked them all straight in the eye and told them my story. I needed them to know how much I struggled and fought to make it work. I wanted them to know that I did not feel sorry for being gay and that I did not need to repent for being who I was. I needed them to know this so they could get a glimpse of what it was like to be LGBTQ in their gospel and maybe help a struggling gay member in their congregation down the line. I wanted them to know that people like me existed and there were many more of us "apostates." I had tried my whole life to hide so much of who I was, but 5 years ago when I was in front of those men...I wanted to be seen!

My mom came with me to my "disciplinary council" to be supportive even though she wasn't allowed in to witness any of this. After, when I told her that they had indeed decided to excommunicate me she just held me and wept. The fear of letting her down and the people I loved was real and by far the hardest obstacle of leaving this religious cult. Mormonism is more than just a church you go to...it has its own culture. It envelops everything in your life and is what makes leaving so incredibly difficult and scary. I was finally at a point where I wanted to live and just be Andy. That required me to be selfish and to not worry about the sorrow I would bring my Mormon friends and family. I knew I wanted a new life so instead of feeling pain for letting my mom down while she hugged me I felt joy, excitement, and proud of how strong and courageous I was to go in there with my head held high. 

After being excommunicated I had intentions of still trying to worship in some way. At that time I still believed in God and believed he loved me...gayness included. The next Sunday I got word that the leader of the congregation I had been attending decided to announce my excommunication over the pulpit at church to all of my friends. Saying I was hurt and angered by this is an understatement because it felt like a way to discredit and attack me. Excommunication means I was stripped of my membership, baptism, holy ghost, temple ordinances, and priesthood. In addition, excommunicated members are allowed to attend church, but cannot speak publicly, pray, or serve in any capacity (they silence you). I then had a followup meeting with the Stake President (basically in charge of all the Mormons in the city) and he informed me that I would not be allowed to sing in any church functions (when originally he said I would be able to). He had many explanations for why I wasn't allowed to sing in church anymore: I was too well spoken and known by most people in the area, I had this blog and it had a large following, people listened to me and what I said, people loved me and cared about me, I had the power to get others to follow my example, I had influence, and they didn't want people to think that the church was accepting of my life choices. These are all real excuses given by this "man of God."

Looking back it is easy to see all the red-flags screaming that gays don't belong, but I was so indoctrinated that I felt like all I needed was a break from church and that I would go back once I calmed down from how the local leaders handled my situation. 

Then the day that it all finally came crashing down...November 6th, 2015. I was at house party and one of my friends text me a news article about a new proclamation that the church sent out from headquarters in Utah. This new proclamation from the "prophet of the Lord" labeled gays as "apostates" (basically meaning we are condemned). Now...I knew the Mormon church didn't agree with my life...fine...but the second part was the thing that got me. They also said that the children of gay parents would not even be allowed to be baptized if they wanted to be. I interpreted this as "We don't want your gayness so much that we will condemn your children too." After I read that article I didn't say anything to my friends at the party and walked into the back of the house, found a bedroom, and laid on the bed staring at the ceiling. I was in shock. I wasn't crying or even doing much thinking because my brain had almost literally turned off from the pain of that realization: I couldn't associate or believe in a church as hateful as Mormonism. The switch in my head went on and I allowed myself to consider that it was all just bullshit, manipulation, and control. I couldn't handle the pain I felt so I did what any good Mormon does (or former Mormon)...turn off uncomfortable feelings. 5 years later I can look back on that moment and see how hurt and betrayed I felt as I realized I had to cut out Mormonism from my heart like the cancer that it was. 

If I could talk to myself in that vulnerable and difficult moment almost 5 years ago, then I would say this: 

"Andy, it feels like the world is ending right now, but as you heal you will be able to look back on this moment and realize that it was the day that you started living. You feel like everything you know is being flipped upside down, but it is actually being flipped right side up. You have a hard road ahead of you because everything you believed and trusted in will now have to be analyzed and deconstructed if you want to move forward. You will feel like a fish out of water with limited real world coping mechanisms and tools. You will feel alone in this journey, but you don't have to be. You pride yourself in your independence, strength, and courage, but it is okay to let others in to help. You will be an example to others and your words will help MANY other Mormon's realize the depth of control and manipulation that the church was inflicting on their lives. Stop running, stop hiding, stop ignoring! Face your problems and empower them with research. Knowledge will give you and your goals strength and resilience. There are so many people out there that have gone through this same deconstruction process. There are countless resources and people that know what this feels like. Set boundaries, listen to your heart, stand up for what you believe in, and do what makes you happy. Don't look for happiness in the future, but realize that happiness can always be found in the present. Make mistakes and try new things out that you may not have tried before. Accept your past for what it is and learn from it. Don't feel like you missed out or that time was stolen from you because it was all a teaching moment. You are going to have to question every aspect of your character, but know that you are a kind and loving soul not because of what an organization taught you, but because that is who you truly are. The level of psychological abuse that happened to you is significant and you will want to ignore that trauma, but facing the hard truths help you with the healing. Learn how to allow anger to be the fuel towards change. Let yourself  feel that pain and see it as a teacher and friend. DON'T COMPARE YOUR LIFE TO ANYONE ELSE'S BUT YOUR OWN!!!! Realize you don't actually know anything, but as long as you focus on self-love, then things will be okay."

I post these blogs because I see a need for my voice to be heard. Pain is guaranteed, but change is possible if you have the courage to take it one step at a time. 

A Paradigm Shift: I am Finally Getting to Know Who Andy Young Is!

As most of you know, I have had some major changes in who I am over the last couple of years. I am most definitely talking about my shift from becoming Andy Young the Mormon to simply Andy Young. This paradigm shift was extremely exhilarating at first! Like Princess Jasmine, I was exploring a whole new world which was a dazzling place I never knew. I had a new fantastic point of view on life where there was no one to tell me no or where to go! 

Life was simply amazing as I explored my sexuality and my new freedom as I finally let my heart decide. I got accepted to The University of Texas and moved to Austin and fell in love with the school and the city. Then, something happened...the depression that went away when I came out to myself back in 2012....came back. I couldn't understand why! I was happy! I was away from an abusive religion, I was living the "gay lifestyle" (whatever that means haha), and I was free to figure out who I was with no group telling me what I should believe. The thing they didn't tell me when I was leaving the Mormon church was that since I was so fully immersed in its culture, that I would now need to have my own ideas about life, God, my morals, politics, and so on. If you have never had a drastic shift in beliefs before, then just know that it shakes your whole world and it is not something that happens overnight.

Mormonism isn't just a church you simply go to on Sunday. Mormonism wants its members to be drowning (I say drowning and they say immersed...whatever haha) in their culture to keep its members away from the sins of the world and members are ALWAYS kept busy. They tell you exactly what you should believe in if you are to be a "good Mormon." I had no identity except Andy the singing Mormon. 

After I left the church, I was a 23 year old that felt like I knew nothing about the world or my beliefs and it finally got to me. I felt lost, alone, and depressed! Mormonism always had me on a path: baptism, seminary, EFY, eagle scout, graduate, go on a mission, go to college, get married, have kids, become a bishop yourself, and so on. I now had the chance to decide what I wanted to do and what my goals were in life...and that is a lot of reorienting! 

The ONE thing that I miss about being a Mormon is how service oriented it is. I loved and still love helping other people and I no longer had an automatic outlet for that since I left the church. I started feeling guilty because I felt like I was becoming a selfish person. A lot of what I did was for me and no on else. The guilt of being selfish was starting to get to me as I continued to spend so much of my time trying to define who Andy was. I finally had to consciously decided that it was okay that I was being selfish! In my searching, I learned this lesson: 

So I decided to focus just on myself. I finally realized I had a lot of baggage from being Mormon that I had to address. I realized I was angry with Mormonism and Christianity...but I didn't want to be (I've figured that out too and no longer feel those emotions anymore so don't worry). I had to find a way to deal with those unhealthy feelings I had. The biggest idea I had to wrap my head around was discovering what my beliefs were towards a higher power (I settled on atheism if you're curious). It is so hard to describe how much of my life had to change when I walked out of the life I used to live. I no longer saw the world through the "Mormon lense." I had nothing blocking my vision or altering my view anymore.

Fast forward and I recently took a trip to Houston to see family and friends and had a great time. Over the course of that week long trip I kept having different things happen that helped me realize how much I really had changed since I was that fresh new gay boy I was 2 years ago. Then, on my last night in Houston, I was laying in my bed (in a room that was mine when I was a middle schooler), and it just all hit me at once...I finally felt like I knew who Andy Young was!!!!!!!! I finally felt like I knew what I believed in as an individual and no longer as a part of this huge corporation that I was raised in. I could have conversations with my family or friends and I could share what I thought about life. If you are not understanding how significant that is for me, then think about all the small little opinions that make up who you are...there are so so so so so many! 

I went from feeling lost and like a child again to finally realizing I know who Andy is. That is simply a fabulous feeling to have! My reflection finally showed who I was on the inside. 

I have become a completely different person. Can I please say that again for emphasis? I HAVE BECOME A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON! I literally feel like my brain has been rewired to think differently. If you knew Andy Young before you knew he was also gay, then that Andy Young is dead. Memories live on in me. Some of the personality traits that the old Andy had live on in me. I don't even look the same (it just happened that way with my weight loss but it is fun to throw that in there)!

Obviously, I am still a work in progress, but I had to share how great of a feeling it is to start being able to know who I am after feeling so lost. Thank you to all of my friends, followers, and family members that have helped in my journey so far and will continue to help me in becoming my own best self! 

P.S. If you caught a couple of Disney references, it is because I've been listening to Disney a lot lately and so many of their lyrics and stories are simply amazing. Can I start a religion that preaches what Disney teaches us!?!?!?!?!? My friend Jordyn told me, "one thing about Disney music is that Howard Ashman had a big hand in writing music/lyrics for a lot of them. Sometimes when you think about it that way you're like...Oh! This is written from the perspective of a gay man!"

A Letter to In The Closet Andy

I was going to record myself reading this letter to myself but I couldn't do it without crying like a baby so here is what I want to say to myself:

Dear in the closet Andy,

I'm writing to you as a 24 year old version of yourself. Let me just start out by saying, YOU'RE SKINNY! Pretty exciting, right?  A lot has happened in your life; good and bad things. You've seen a lot of bad so far and unfortunately had to face those things alone and afraid to let anyone in on your struggles. The future literally terrifies you when you think of it. Just the thought of where you will be in the next few years makes you wish you could die instead of continuing to live in the pain that you feel everyday. You try your very best to ignore the reason why you are in pain and don't want to live. In fact, you do that so well that you somehow convince yourself that you aren't actually gay. It is amazing what the mind can do. Your biggest desire in life is to feel accepted and loved by those around you. I think you believe that you are not loved. You think so low of yourself. The desire you feel to be accepted leads you to try and gain acceptance from everyone, including the church we were raised in. You've always been told that the most happiness you can feel is when you are living the way the church teaches you to live. Why are you so unhappy then? One of your biggest fears in life is that you are a homosexual. You have convinced yourself that the reason you like looking at guys is because you are obese and admire the male figure and simply wish you looked like them. You ignore the fact that the female body has absolutely no interest to you. If you have any say in it, you will never let anyone know that you have watched gay porn. You think that if people knew the truth, then they would not accept you. You are afraid that other guys would be scared to be around you for fear of thinking you're attracted to them. You are afraid your parents will be disappointed in what you are. You are afraid the church you were raised in will label you as a sinner and vile. You are afraid that you won't be able to go into public without being a target for cruel words and actions. You are afraid that your friends will no longer be there. You. Are. Afraid. You are so afraid that you just pretend everything's okay. 

This is what I wish you knew Andy. If only your closeted self could REALLY be reading this! First off, you are definitely gay. I would say, "I hate to break the news to you," but I really do wish you knew that. You don't just admire the male body because you're fat. You are actually going to lose 140 pounds and become a very attractive man and many MANY women will state their case for why you should be with them, but guess what...you'll still like men.

I wish you could see what the Mormon church is doing to you. It is the main reason you are unhappy, if not the sole cause of your unhappiness. Get away as soon as you can. It won't be easy because Mormonism truly is a culture and your life. You will be shunned by some and judged by others, but their opinions don't matter. It is amazing how the church spins this web that is so encompassing and intricate that it will be so difficult for you to leave, but you are so strong Andy! You will be an example to many for your courage. You don't feel courageous, but there is a bright fire in you if you let it burn. You will finally stop pleading with God to change you and instead you will pray for opportunities to grow and live a happy life.

I wish you knew that you are loved. There are so many people that support you and wish for your success. Your fan pool will grow immensely though as you become more confident and happy throughout the years. You need to let go of the shame you feel for who you are. Just let it go (there will be a song about that). You need to realize absolutely nothing is wrong with your sexuality. Nothing! Be confident in your instincts and abilities. You are fucking awesome and the sooner you realize that the sooner you'll start soaring. It's okay to make mistakes, I promise! I know you are perfectionist, but failure is a chance to learn and grow. Living conservatively will never get you to your largest potential. Have fun along the way! Drink alcohol (responsibly of course)! It's not this scary monster that you should avoid like the plague. It helps you loosen up and learn to take risks. It's also really fun! Get a tattoo or two. Make out with lots of guys. Go on random adventures with strangers. Make friends everywhere you go. What I'm trying to say again and again is DON'T BE AFRAID! Don't be afraid to live life and make mistakes. There is only one Andy in the world so make the most of your talents and abilities. You don't have to be like anyone else, that is what makes YOU amazing!

So in closing, just know your life is going to get better in literally every aspect! Suicide is not the option. You are going to be successful at what you do. You are going to have incredible friends that love you. You are going to be so happy you cannot even comprehend it right now!

Look at you! 

If only you had known a little sooner about the life you could have lead instead of the life you thought you had to lead. Have no regrets Andy! 

Love, 

Your future, fabulously happy, out of the closet, beautiful, gay self, Andy

P.S. Stay away from the fireworks on the Fourth of July in 2015. You burn a hole in one of your favorite shirts 

Where I Stand With the Mormon Church

This will probably be my last post for a while. I want to thank all of you that have read my blog and are reading right now. I have had almost 10,000 views on my blog site which is far more people than I ever thought would read my words. Maybe I will find something else to blog about in the future but I feel like the normal topic of being gay and Mormon is done in my life. If you are short on time then just read the ending and that summarizes everything :)

I have been asked many times recently where I stand with the Mormon church. My friends and family want to know if I still attend church or believe in the church's teachings. Do I still have a testimony of Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon? I honestly couldn't answer all of those questions until recently because I was too confused and didn't know exactly how I felt.

Well now I think my mind is clear and I know what I want to say...

The church's policy change towards children of gay couples.

I was at a party when I first heard the news about the policy change via Facebook. I didn't believe it at first because it seemed so contrary to what the church had taught me all growing up. Things like families are the most important institution in life and that children are without sin and are not judged by the sins of their parents. I kept looking around online and finally realized this was a real thing. I went numb and didn't know what to think. I went back to my friends bedroom and literally just laid in their bed the rest of the night when everyone else was still having fun. I didn't cry or scream or get angry...I just laid there unsure of how to feel. The moment I read the news something inside of me broke. My whole life I have believed in EVERYTHING the Mormon church had taught me no matter how crazy or hard it was to believe sometimes. Even with being excommunicated I was still trying with all my might to hold on to that belief. That belief was fragile and worn but fell apart when I read that news. If you can imagine being in a dark room your whole life with someone describing to you what else is in the room and then finally the light comes on and you realize it is nothing like you had been told; that is how I felt when I read that news. I saw the church through a new lense. I won't go into all the details of why I cannot stand this new policy change, but just know it was the tipping point for my. It was the catalyst for all of these new beliefs in my life.

Do you still go to church?

No, I do not. Going into the excommunication process I can honestly say that I was still planning on attending church still. I could accept the fact that the church didn't approve of my actions, I could accept that I was seen as a sinner, and I could accept that I would be treated as a second class member. I was okay with that because at that time I had a belief that the church was true and run by a prophet of God. Ironically enough, about a week or two after I was excommunicated the church came out with the new policy that does not allow the children of gay couples to be baptized until they are 18. So do I attend a church where my future children would not be welcomed, where I am not allowed to serve in any capacity, say public prayers, read scriptures in class, offer my opinion when the teacher asks a question, or even sing in the choir? No, I do not and will not attend a church like that.

Why has excommunication been such a great thing for you, I thought you loved the Mormon church?

I used to love the Mormon church will all of my heart. If you knew me on my mission, then I meant every single word I said. Every testimony I bore was a real one. Being a member of the church has always been a burden though. We hear over and over again that we can overcome pain and sorrow through Christ, but I have now realized that so so so so much of that pain was coming from the church itself. I was beating myself up over being gay. For a lot of my life I tried my best to become a heterosexual. Then, I tried to play with the idea of marrying a girl. Finally, I tried to accept the fact that I had to be celibate for the rest of my life. Almost all of the pain and sorrow I have felt in my life up to this point has been from the beliefs I held in the Mormon church. So that is exactly why being excommunicated has been amazing! I feel such a burden lifted off my shoulders. The church teaches that sin is what brings on those burdens, but I am telling you now that no matter how many times I have sinned in my life, there was no greater burden than being a gay member of the Mormon church and trying to follow what they are teaching you. There are private Facebook groups for Mormons that are attracted to the same sex but still want to follow all of the commandments from the church (meaning living a celibate life or marrying a woman). I joined those groups when I first got home from my mission but couldn't stand them because almost every post was so depressing. There was so much pain from those people. I have met many people from that group in Houston and at other events and (no offense to them) they all just seem so incredibly miserable. They have their eyes set on dying and realizing that they will not be happy in this life but it is worth it because they will be happy when they die. That is just too heartbreaking for me. I thought I was happy when I finally came out to myself and I thought I was happy on my mission. There is just no comparison to then and now.

If you remember, I chose to act on my sexual orientation once I had prayed earnestly and received the answer that I can and I should be with men. A lot of people have thought that this whole process of excommunication would be hard on me, but it was actually incredibly easy because I knew what God had told me these things. I didn't need a room full of men to tell me where I stood with God. So at my disciplinary council when they took away my membership from the church and all the blessing that came with it, including the gift of the Holy Ghost, I was curious the see how I felt after they did that. The whole time I was there I felt the spirit confirming to me that I was making the right choice and these men were doing their job, but they were wrong. When I was supposed to lose the Holy Ghost I still felt it. I kept feeling it for days, weeks, and now months since my excommunication. I still receive promptings from the Holy Ghost often (even if I ignored one prompting recently and now have a speeding ticket from it...stupid Andy). If I was wrong in my decision then one would think I would feel an emptiness. I most definitely would not have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion either. That is exactly what brings me peace with all of this. I know this is the right decision!

What do you believe?

I believe we are all trying to find out what and who God is. We obviously aren't doing that great of a job if there can be thousands of different churches that all have a different definition of God and His teachings. I am not an atheist now, I promise. Most of my life I thought that the LDS church was the one true church that had the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't believe that anymore. Mormons are not an elite group of people. They are just like the rest of the worlds and are simply trying to figure out God and His mysteries. I strongly believe that whatever your beliefs may be, all that matters is that you live what YOU believe and God will judge accordingly. I am a Christian but don't know what role religion will play in my life anymore. At this time I am sure that I need a break from it.

To those still in the Mormon church.

You do you! I don't hate the church or hate you for being in it. Live what you believe. Can we still be friends even though we have different beliefs...YES! I am not here to tell you that you are wrong. I am not here to say the LDS church is evil. They do a lot of great things and there are a lot of good people in the church. Are all the things that they teach false? Not at all. There are many great things that they teach that I still believe.

-------------------------------------------------------

I no longer try to sort out the conflicting doctrines in the LDS church. Man is not meant to be alone, yet gay members are meant to remain celibate; the church is built on families, but not for gay families; children are without sin and able to make choices at 8, yet children of gay couples are denied blessings and cannot choose baptism until 18. I refuse to spend any more time feeling broken. I refuse to see myself as second-class. I choose to live for me. I choose to believe that God loves me fully and that he does not want me to be alone, sad, and divided. He would never label me as an abomination or simply classify me as a sinner or an apostate.

I have no perfect understanding except to know that the peace I longed for so desperately as a faithful Mormon, I have now found outside of the Church.

A Response to the Mormon Church's New Policy

"But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 19:14

Jesus loves the little children

The internet has exploded with talk of the Mormon church's new policy changes. The first change edits the definition of apostasy. The new definition adds that entering a same-sex marriage constitutes apostasy. The second change now does not allow the children of gay couples to have a baby blessing, be baptized until they are an adult, and to serve a mission they must disavow their parents relationship. To say I was shocked with this new policy is an understatement. I have seen many other people that are confused and lost in this new information. I wanted to immediately write a blog post about my thoughts on the subject but I decided that it was best for me to wait a day and read all that I can from both parties that support or reject this new policy. I can honestly say I have never been so confused about the policy of the church in my life. I simply could not understand the reason behind such a terrible new rule. I have prayed a lot so I wish now to share some of the thoughts I have had towards this touchy subject.

The church has a few arguments to support this new change that I wish to address:

1) This is ultimately to protect the children. The Mormon church believes that if they don't allow the children of gay couples to be baptized into the church that they are solving the dilemma of them having to decide if they will support their parents lifestyle or the Mormon church. This is the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Why would it make sense to bar someone from one of the essential ordinances to return to live with Heavenly Father because they don't want them to have to go through a hard time? What about all the gay couples that love the church still and want their children to grow up in this amazing gospel with all the values and lessons their children would learn?  If the child is at a Mormon church, then that means that their parent almost positively supports their decision to be there.

Sometimes I feel like people believe that just because someone is in a gay relationship that they must hate the church and no longer be a Christian. I know so many people, myself included, that don't feel that way! Gay members of the church have already been knocked down so many times. So many of us have kept getting back up. We keep coming, we keep our testimonies, and we keep hoping that even though the church doesn't support our decision to live the "gay lifestyle" that there is still truth and light to be gained from the church.

The church says they are doing this to protect the children but all I can see is how this will hurt the child and their family. What about how the child feels when all of his friends his age are getting baptized? What about how the child feels when he can't pass the sacrament or hold callings? What about how the child feels when he is denied the blessing of going to the temple to do baptisms for the dead? Membership in the Church encompasses every part of your life. I was preached to all the time as a teenager that I needed the gospel in my life to make it through those rough years. I was told I needed to go to seminary every morning before school to have that spiritual strength each day. That is why I cannot understand why the church feels that it is best that some children be denied this.

This decision also affects the children of divorced parents where one of the spouses may have entered into a marriage with someone of the same gender. How is that protecting the rights of the parent whose child cannot be baptized because her ex husband is gay? The church says that a upon turning 18 a child can then be baptized if they disavow their parents marriage but seriously think about that for a second...how can we expect an 18 year old who has been denied all these blessing their whole life to actually want to be a part of the church that has outcasted them because of their parents? I can't see many 18 years olds choosing baptism.

2) The church has been doing this with families that practice polygamy for years. Please stop comparing this new policy to polygamy! First off, just because the church has been doing this to polygamist families does not mean that it is right. That's like saying, "Oh, it's okay that I raped this person because I have been doing it for years to this other person." This is also a completely different scenario. What of the children of abusive parents, or alcoholic parents, or a parent that is a murderer? These children are welcomed into the church with open arms unless their parents are gay or they have more than 2 parents.

3) The church doesn't treat LGBT members worse than any other sinners. I am just going to laugh at that one...I don't know who they are trying to fool but they treat LGBT so much harsher than our hetersexual counterparts. (For example...not allowing a gay couples kid to be baptized as opposed to a child whose mother is living with her unwed boyfriend but still allowing her child to be baptized).

Do you want to know how this announcement really made me feel? I am not saying that this is what the church intended from this new policy change but this is how it made me feel: 

I feel almost as if this was a calculated move by the general authorities. More and more people are getting married to the same gender and have their kids go to church. The more that this happens, the more the general population of the church will realize that we are normal and good. They will realize we can still have strong testimonies and be Christlike individuals even if we are gay. The church doesn't want members hearts to change towards gay people because then that might mean they have to change doctrine and that is very hard to do. I feel like it is an attempt to strike now before we gain too much support. I feel like this is trying to make things very black and white: the church wants nothing to do with gays and anyone that supports that way of life. They don't want gays so much that they are willing to potentially deny hundreds or thousands of children the ordinance of baptism and membership in the church. I feel like the church convinces/brainwashes its members to never doubt or question it's leadership or policies as being wrong because it is evil, bad, or of the devil. I feel like this is a specific attack against a specific group of people, where the church is saying, "We don't want you or even your children to be a part of our community." That is disgusting and completely against what Christ taught.

This new policy hurts me. It hurts me because I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that The Book of Mormon is true. It hurts me because children are going to be denied blessings that I believe are very real and that I have experienced as a member of the church. It hurts me because if I ever have kids in the future then they would also be denied membership of the church that I would want them raised in. It hurts me because I am trying so hard to stay active at church even with how they feel about someone like me and this now just makes it even harder.

I believe it takes great courage to do what I am doing. I cannot bite my tongue. I cannot try to ignore this. I cannot give up on the idea that I can change people's hearts for the better. I am willing to bet that you have been trained by the church to ignore such blasphemous talk. I remember what it used to feel like to hear hard things like this and I would immediately tune out what was being said to me because doubting was wrong. I invite you to take more of these "hard" ideas to the Lord in prayer. Do your homework and come up with your own conclusion on the subject. Then, ask if that conclusion is correct or not. You should have absolutely nothing to worry about because you should get the exact same answer that the church is teaching you, right? What do you have to lose?

I felt something break inside of me last night when I read the news. This was the last straw. I can no longer support an institution that so blatantly discriminates against a group of people.

I Wish I Would Have Stood Up For Them

I have a confession. I am addicted to something...I am addicted to buying clothes. Since getting home from my mission last year I have had to buy an entire new wardrobe because of my drastic weight loss. The thing is...I am still buying clothes all the time. Yesterday I went to do some shopping at a department store to get my fix of buying pretty new winter clothes (because winter clothes are my absolute favorite). After I tried on a million jackets and sweaters I finally picked a handful to keep and went to check out. There were 2 groups of people in front of me in line. The 2 directly in front of me were both really attractive guys with 2 kids. I, of course, eavesdropped on their conversation and learned they were brothers. Then the group that was in front of them were two hispanic ladies. They had a cart full of baby clothes. One of the ladies was a little heavy set and had comfy looking clothes on. The other one was in high heels and a short skirt that showed off a very fine butt (if I might say so). As I stood there waiting, I started to notice some things about these two ladies. They both had some very manly features about them. They had low voices, one had a 5 o'clock shadow, and the other had very broad shoulders. I would bet my life that these ladies were transgender. I was happy for them that they had each other, that they were buying baby clothes (maybe they were moms!), and that they felt comfortable in their skin.

Those thoughts quickly left my brain as I continued to stare down this guy in front of me in a tank top who obviously worked out a lot. My gaydar was not picking up anything from him though...but hey...it doesn't hurt to enjoy the sight. I get distracted though by the fact that there is only one checkout line open and I see THREE workers standing about 20 feet away staring at these 2 women in front of me. I couldn't believe they would be so rude as to obviously be staring down this transgender couple, whispering to each other, giggling with each other, and not do their jobs. It bothered me slightly but I just stood there and watched as it played out. They finished checking out and left the store. All 3 of the workers then go to the window and watch them walk out.

This has been bothering me for the last day. I feel terrible about myself. I just stood there as these two ladies were being laughed at and stared down. I have no clue about the story these 2 ladies have but my guess is that it has not been an easy life for them. My guess is that things like that happen all the time. I can only assume that worse things have happened to them. What if everywhere I went people saw me and stared, or laughed, or made fun of me. I would hate that!

This is so easy for me to say now and type out but I wish I would have had the courage that day to do something more than just blog about it. I wish I would have walked up to those employees and tell them to get to work and stop staring. I wish I would have walked up to those transgender ladies and tell them they were beautiful. I wish I would have given them a hug and said that they should never give up and keep living their life the way that will make them happy. I wish I would have had courage!

There has been a lot of talk in Houston about a bill that would allow transgender people into the bathroom with the gender they identify as. It would take a lot longer of a blog post for me to share why I believe that voting YES to equal rights is important, but let me share just a couple of thoughts. Simply think of this small experience I had yesterday. Transgender people have to deal with persecution every day of their lives because society is still behind the times. Just imagine what it would be like to be treated like a second class citizen everywhere you go. Transgender people want just a little courtesy from us as to be allowed to go to the bathroom where they feel comfortable. They are not there to sexually assault you or your child. There are there to take a shit without being persecuted for looking like the "wrong" gender. If you don't like the thought of a girl that was born with a penis using the same bathroom as you or visa versa, then think about what it would be like to be in their shoes. They just want to use the bathroom in peace!

Were these ladies at the store being verbally or physically assaulted? No! It is the little things that matter though. I am writing this post to let you know that I promise to stand up for anyone that is being outcasted or shunned because of who they are or who they like. I wish I would have stood up for them!