Understanding My Involvement with Mormonism

I am reading a book called "Leaving the Fold" and it is a psychology-based guide for former fundamentalists and others leaving their religion. I have never felt so "seen" by a philosopher and author! The things talked about in this book put into words so many of my experiences with breaking away from Mormonism. The author, Marlene Winell, is the psychologist that coined the term "Religious Trauma Syndrome" (or RTS) and I would have given ANYTHING to have this resource at my disposal 5 years ago when I was just beginning the journey of finding myself and freeing my mind from cult mind control. 

So I'm warning you now...this could be a long one! 

***Disclaimer: This post is about my personal experience being raised in a Mormon household and represents a time, my personality, and my situations. When I talk about religion I am specifically addressing the dogmatic and cult-like aspects of this fundamentalist religion that I was raised in. Fundamentalists are NOT crazy or stupid! They earnestly believe in their religion and the values they want to uphold in society.***

In this book I am reading there is a whole chapter dedicated to understanding your own involvement in religion. It has helped me learn and remember, "a number of the motivations behind religious commitment, with the aim of helping you understand and thus forgive yourself." It is important to understand that fundamentalist churches fill many core needs that we have as humans and those things go away once you leave the fold. When that happened in my life I felt utterly alone and like an adult child with very little "real world" expertise (especially since I transitioned into the gay community at the same time). 

Often, it is hard to remember the benefits (as negatively loaded as those benefits come) that I received from being a member because it has been so easy to feel angry for the control and manipulation that I experienced.  I truly believed and tried to make my religion work with my life. I felt God's love and had a relationship with Him. It was the one certain relationship in my life where I knew I would have a perfect lover, God. Mormonism was something that was precious to me and I loved the doctrine, people, and practice (most of the time, or I would have never left). I am trying to allow myself to mourn the loss of my love for God. My heart was literally broken as I realized all the harm and indoctrination that had been happening to me my entire life and I didn't know how to handle that 5 years ago..so I ignored that pain as best as I could. I focused on the new freedom I found and the ability to do the things that I wanted to do in my life. 

As I continue in the healing process I wanted to remember all the positive things that I got from those 23 years in the church. I don't feel embarrassed or ashamed of my church service. The choices and commitments I made in my past made sense at the time and hey...humanity is all about making mistakes. I need to accept and forgive myself more fully. I hope that in remembering the motivations for my religious commitment that I will be able to see more clearly and continue to move forward. I want to be a voice for those that have dealt with similar issues or that are considering leaving their religion as well.

Mormons believe that children are not capable of sin until the age of 8 when they are therefore baptized to allow Christ to cleanse them of their sins as they strive for perfection. They wait until 8 because they want it to be a choice to follow Jesus, but I am here to argue that even at 8...there is no choice! I became a Mormon because my parents are devout Mormons. My family screened reality in a way that decided my perceptions and developing world-views. The religion of my environment was truth in my eyes and I felt tremendous pressure to conform. Marlene Winell poses the questions, 

What were you supposed to do? Judge your parents as incompetent and go shopping for new ones? The truth is that children will adjust their views of reality to survive, sustaining a belief in their parents no matter what, because that is all they have.

In honor of Halloween

There is nothing innately wrong with meeting human needs of survival, safety, belonging, and self-esteem. Fundamentalist religious systems can help you cope with frighting dilemmas around death, responsibility, isolation, and meaning, but at what cost? 

"Incredible threats and promises are made for heaven, hell, and miracles here on Earth. The result is that people are disempowered by this approach to having their needs met. Since the source of all the benefits offered is external, requiring dependence on God and the church, internal resources atrophy. This process degrades the self and becomes a serious threat to human well-being."

I want to create a guide addressed to my 8-year-old self to help little Andy understand that even with all the manipulation...the church did satisfy some basic and deep needs when I was in the "fold."

Safety and Security

Rescued from Death

The terror of death is one of the most pressing concerns you can have as a human. Your ability to ponder future events can be a frightening burden if you imagine that your thoughts, intellect, memories, and sense of self will no longer exist one day. How can this be? Isn't there life after death? The church was able to satisfy that fear with the promise of everlasting life in a state of never-ending happiness.

Safety in This Life

The world is a dangerous place and you believe that evil is being spread around the world in an everlasting battle against Satan. You believe that you can have the protection of God against those dangers and the insecurities of life as you go out into the world. This makes things easier to understand and gives you courage, strength, and peace of mind.  

Protection from Self 

You are taught that you are sinful by nature because of the fall of Adam. You are taught "you can externalize your internal experience - by projecting good and evil onto such images as Christ, God, and Satan - and thereby simplify the complexity of the psyche." Doing this can relieve some of the internal struggles you may feel as you strive to be saved. You believe that in turning your life over to Christ you will be able to overcome your attraction to men which you are taught is an abomination in the eyes of God. 

Guidance

Escape from Freedom and Responsibility

In the fundamentalist structure, making decisions is a matter of discerning God's will. You will try to lose yourself ("Not my will, but Thine be done") in a study of the scriptures as you desperately try to find what God wants for you. You will feel comfort in knowing that your whole life is planned out step by step for you already. You don't have to trouble yourself with any of those big decisions around responsibility and life choices. As Winell says, "Fundamentalist Christianity relieves the burden of responsibility very thoroughly. When one is born again and finds a place in the family of God, one's freedom and responsibility are traded for the comfort of following the plan." You are taught to lose yourself in the service of God as the church tries to take away any form of individuality and free thought so that you are able to be controlled. 

Ethics and Morals

With so many lifestyle choices in this world, the guidance on your personal ethics and morals is appreciated and makes it much easier to decide where you stand. Making knowledgeable choices and claiming responsibility for them can be difficult and the long list of "do's and don'ts" will create a sense of safety for you. You believe you are a child of God and sinful by nature so the rules make you think you are avoiding the disaster of your immoral self. You will find comfort and peace in knowing that those that surround you in your community share the same ethics and morals. 

Connectedness

Ultimate Intimacy 

You will continue to grow and feel very different from those around you and in your church community. You want to be loved and accepted. You desire unity, connection, and unconditional love, but the existential dilemma of isolation (the condition of being ultimately alone in spite of many relationships) will leave you feeling on your own. You find so much discomfort in this feeling that you want to avoid even being aware of it. The Church solves that problem for you by exposing you to God which can be the most intimate and perfect connection that never ends. This intimacy with Jesus Christ is comforting, fulfilling, exciting, and like an ideal fairytale marriage. As you continue to grow and feel that no other human understands you, then this relationship with God will bring you more and more comforting knowing that you are understood by at least one being in the universe. 

Family of God

Your desire to be a part of a family where your needs are cared for is strong, natural, and a very human experience. Every family has its faults so the idea of a "divine family" makes sense to yearn and strive for. You feel like you have a father in heaven that is all-knowing, all-powerful, and always available (which can't be promised by any mortal father). You feel understood and you feel like you belong as a privileged "child of God."

Belonging

When you become a member of the Mormon church, then you gain access to a very big and exclusive club. Mormonism has a full-blown subculture with a common language, belief systems, and behavioral codes and you find comfort and safety in that knowledge. You can travel to any Mormon service in the world and fit into a church community immediately. You can escape the anonymity of the world because the Mormon church has a role (or job) for everyone. The routine of going to church gives you structure with rituals and traditions that promote mindfulness that brings stability to your life. The shared hugs, tears, testimonials, and prayers provide you with great emotional release and bonding. You feel like you are a part of something bigger and better than yourself. 

Meaning

Cosmic Coherence

Is the universe random and meaningless? No one really knows but it is scary to imagine a cosmos in which we are all merely an accident without any real meaning. Religion was able to offer you definition and purpose at an early age when you were not ready to accept that the world is actually chaotic after all. You want there to be an underlying order that explains all things (past, present, and future) and a cosmic coherence that makes everything seem understandable. Since all that intellectual ambiguity can be distressing, religion was able to neatly give you all the answers that saved you from the frustration and anxiety that inevitably come whenever you ponder difficult questions. If there were any issues that your religion cannot answer, then you find relief in the belief that a benign father in heaven had everything under control. It truly can bring an aesthetic satisfaction of a universe with a grand design. Winell says, "In Christian fundamentalism, God's purpose is revealed, and you can find a place in it. Put most simply, our purpose is to be saved and to help save others. This is straightforward and significant, making other lifestyles seem pale in comparison."

Stimulation and Escapism

Religion can hold a lot of excitement and drama with the stories told in the Bible and Book of Mormon that deal with prophesying, battles, giants, magic, floods, and so much more! This all can become a great escape from the world and having to deal with your sexuality as you grow up. You can use heavy church attendance and religious behavior as an avoidance of dealing with real life. When you believe in the gospel you are promised the ultimate payoff of a blissful paradise with God. It is a very beautiful dream that I still wish was true. Alain De Botton says, 

There is quite a big part of me that would love religion to be true, and it's particularly at moments of crisis where I think my goodness, I would love to believe that this could be made better or that there was something beyond or that I could control the fate of a loved one. Life is going to pit all of us in extremely dramatic situations that certainly explain to me psychologically why God was not some luxury or piece of myth. I experience God as a psychological necessity for the intolerable anxiety and fear of being human. I can't believe in God. But boy, oh, boy, do I know why people do believe.

Self Acceptance 

When you accept Christ as your personal savior it becomes a form of self-acceptance. You have been trained that salvation means you are forgiven, clean, and acceptable to God. This will become especially powerful when you believe that God accepts you as a homosexual and view it as your own personal "cross to bear." You are encouraged to believe that God would never give you a trial that you cannot handle and that phrase keeps you alive in the darkest times of your life.

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. (Corinthians 10:13)

Having that external approval from God will allow you to approve and love yourself more fully. This acceptance has a tremendous reward that is life-changing for you. The conversion experience allows you to accomplish a difficult task for every human being: self-acceptance. You believe that if you are the one lost sheep that Christ will come to your rescue because you are loved by him. Hearing stories of repentance and forgiveness like that of the prodigal son give you hope whenever you feel sinful and like a terrible disciple. Unfortunately, this is more of an external approval of yourself since it depends on God. It does not translate to true self-worth since that is lost if you leave the belief system, but it is enough to help you learn and grow. You want this acceptance so much that you will continue to believe the religious dogma until you can no longer bargain in good conscience. 

Mystical Experience

You learn to develop intensely satisfying and meaningful private spiritual experiences that create an altered state of consciousness. You are taught that this mystical practice is used as evidence of the Christian belief system and therefore don't allow yourself to doubt until your 20s. This practice opens up your heart and the arousal of love to create passion and fulfillment in your life. Because of this practice, you feel unity in all things and a profound sense of oneness with the universe that results in feelings of joy, a sensation of bliss, ecstatic happiness, and an experience of peace. 

Social Cause 

You learn the power of charity as you serve others and find ways to contribute to the world and your community. You are with a group of people that have a common goal which gives you meaning. You realize that as you help others you are also helping yourself by providing self-esteem and purpose. 

Power

Victory Over Outside Threat

You are taught that there is a colossal and constant battle going on between good and evil. Even though God will win in the end, the forces of Satan are formidable and stronger than humans. Therefore, you believe that God is required to help you withstand the onslaught of Satan and his devils. Helplessness and hopelessness are unbearable conditions for humans and we desire a sense of mastery, proficiency, and control in our lives. The promise of supernatural power to perform miracles sounds rather appealing when "All things are possible." Humans are naturally drawn to power when we face external odds and inner conflicts so being taught that you can be "victorious over sin" and achieve the "abundant live" gives you external power through faith in Christ. Power is a primary theme of Christianity as you analyze hymns and scriptures like "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name" and "Onward Christian Soldiers." 

He who conquers and who keeps my works until the end, I will give him power over the nations, and he shall rule them with a rod of iron, as when earthen pots are broken in peices, even as I myself have received power from my father; and I will give him the morning star." (Revelation 2:26-27)

Personal Power

All people want to be happy with their lives and who they are as a person. There is promise after promise that if you turn your life over to God, then you can find that peace and happiness in this life and the next. As you focus on channeling the Holy Ghost, then you feel that being happy and being a good person are a result of the power of God. This is a tempting alternative to the hard work of becoming more self-aware and focusing on personal improvement. 

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.
(Mosiah 2:41)

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I wrote these words to take an inventory of my religious experience and to continue in my personal healing. Consider it a personal journal entry to remind me of these things. I used many of the thoughts and ideas laid out in the book "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winell. I wanted to end with an afterword thought she gave about the practice of taking an inventory of the good that you received from religion. 

Although they were familiar already, in writing this book I had to look up the verses I quoted from the Bible to get the wording exact. As I did this, I gradually became aware of interesting feelings. I found myself turning the delicate pages of the Bible with caring affection, the way I did many years ago. The pages felt precious as I smoothed them out. I read whole chapters in the gospel of John, and I was moved by the words of Jesus at the Last Supper. 

Suddenly I recognized my experience. It was like reading all the letters from a lover I had left. The old bond was still present, the feelings of attachment and love, and a wave of sadness, a strange sense of betrayal. Here I was quoting my own love to build my arguments. “But it is okay,” I told myself, “This is only part of what I am saying.” Whoever he or she is, it is okay that I still love him. Whoever he or she is, telling the truth is important for both of us.

Excommunication: What was it really like? (5 years later)

Hello friends! Welcome to my blog :) If this is the first time you have ever read my blog, then I am not surprised. I started this back in 2015 to share my experience of being gay in the Mormon church. This blog changed and went on back-burner when I said goodbye to Mormonism and became just good ol' big gay Andy. 

I am lucky enough to have had over 12,000 people read my words on here. I have shared lots of vulnerable topics about my religious upbringing and coming to terms with my sexuality and I feel like I owe it to the small following that I have to update y'all on the last 5 years, what it was actually like to be excommunicated from the Mormon church, and what I would say to the 2015 version of me. 

Okay...condensed version for those that aren't familiar with my story: I'm the great-great-great grandson of the 2nd prophet of the Mormon church, Brigham Young. I come from a traditional and strong Mormon family where religion was well...just what we did. I went to all the church, youth groups, summer camps, service projects, and even did the whole 2 year mission from age 21-23 in Seattle, Washington. Basically, I was a good Mormon boy. Accepting my gayness took time though because of the out of date teachings the LDS church had on homosexuality that led to the shame, self-hatred, and depression I experienced until I accepted that I was in fact gay. I loved myself for who I was...finally!

Fast forward to a year after I got back from my mission and I was tired of trying to fit into the church as a gay man. There wasn't a spot for me, but I had been indoctrinated to believe that it was the only option I had or I would be faced with eternal hellfire and damnation (I really want to do a post about the terribly damaging affects religion can have on the psychological and social development of children). I was slowly moving away from the beliefs I had been taught since birth and trying to figure out how to simply...exist. It was hard work!!! I finally realized living my authentic life was the right thing to do, but I wanted the church leadership to know that someone like me was a part of their flock. I wanted them to know the real struggle I faced and how I gave it 100%. I could have continued to lie or just never go back, but instead I decided that being excommunicated was my best option for moving forward.

September 22, 2015 was the day of my disciplinary council. I went in front of 15 men in local leadership positions whose job it was to judge my worthiness and standing as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It was all very secretive and no one else was allowed into the building. I went in that meeting already knowing what the result would be, but I still answered all their prying detail oriented questions truthfully about my sex life, my "sins," and if I was trying to recruit people to the gay agenda (I literally got asked that). I went in there and looked them all straight in the eye and told them my story. I needed them to know how much I struggled and fought to make it work. I wanted them to know that I did not feel sorry for being gay and that I did not need to repent for being who I was. I needed them to know this so they could get a glimpse of what it was like to be LGBTQ in their gospel and maybe help a struggling gay member in their congregation down the line. I wanted them to know that people like me existed and there were many more of us "apostates." I had tried my whole life to hide so much of who I was, but 5 years ago when I was in front of those men...I wanted to be seen!

My mom came with me to my "disciplinary council" to be supportive even though she wasn't allowed in to witness any of this. After, when I told her that they had indeed decided to excommunicate me she just held me and wept. The fear of letting her down and the people I loved was real and by far the hardest obstacle of leaving this religious cult. Mormonism is more than just a church you go to...it has its own culture. It envelops everything in your life and is what makes leaving so incredibly difficult and scary. I was finally at a point where I wanted to live and just be Andy. That required me to be selfish and to not worry about the sorrow I would bring my Mormon friends and family. I knew I wanted a new life so instead of feeling pain for letting my mom down while she hugged me I felt joy, excitement, and proud of how strong and courageous I was to go in there with my head held high. 

After being excommunicated I had intentions of still trying to worship in some way. At that time I still believed in God and believed he loved me...gayness included. The next Sunday I got word that the leader of the congregation I had been attending decided to announce my excommunication over the pulpit at church to all of my friends. Saying I was hurt and angered by this is an understatement because it felt like a way to discredit and attack me. Excommunication means I was stripped of my membership, baptism, holy ghost, temple ordinances, and priesthood. In addition, excommunicated members are allowed to attend church, but cannot speak publicly, pray, or serve in any capacity (they silence you). I then had a followup meeting with the Stake President (basically in charge of all the Mormons in the city) and he informed me that I would not be allowed to sing in any church functions (when originally he said I would be able to). He had many explanations for why I wasn't allowed to sing in church anymore: I was too well spoken and known by most people in the area, I had this blog and it had a large following, people listened to me and what I said, people loved me and cared about me, I had the power to get others to follow my example, I had influence, and they didn't want people to think that the church was accepting of my life choices. These are all real excuses given by this "man of God."

Looking back it is easy to see all the red-flags screaming that gays don't belong, but I was so indoctrinated that I felt like all I needed was a break from church and that I would go back once I calmed down from how the local leaders handled my situation. 

Then the day that it all finally came crashing down...November 6th, 2015. I was at house party and one of my friends text me a news article about a new proclamation that the church sent out from headquarters in Utah. This new proclamation from the "prophet of the Lord" labeled gays as "apostates" (basically meaning we are condemned). Now...I knew the Mormon church didn't agree with my life...fine...but the second part was the thing that got me. They also said that the children of gay parents would not even be allowed to be baptized if they wanted to be. I interpreted this as "We don't want your gayness so much that we will condemn your children too." After I read that article I didn't say anything to my friends at the party and walked into the back of the house, found a bedroom, and laid on the bed staring at the ceiling. I was in shock. I wasn't crying or even doing much thinking because my brain had almost literally turned off from the pain of that realization: I couldn't associate or believe in a church as hateful as Mormonism. The switch in my head went on and I allowed myself to consider that it was all just bullshit, manipulation, and control. I couldn't handle the pain I felt so I did what any good Mormon does (or former Mormon)...turn off uncomfortable feelings. 5 years later I can look back on that moment and see how hurt and betrayed I felt as I realized I had to cut out Mormonism from my heart like the cancer that it was. 

If I could talk to myself in that vulnerable and difficult moment almost 5 years ago, then I would say this: 

"Andy, it feels like the world is ending right now, but as you heal you will be able to look back on this moment and realize that it was the day that you started living. You feel like everything you know is being flipped upside down, but it is actually being flipped right side up. You have a hard road ahead of you because everything you believed and trusted in will now have to be analyzed and deconstructed if you want to move forward. You will feel like a fish out of water with limited real world coping mechanisms and tools. You will feel alone in this journey, but you don't have to be. You pride yourself in your independence, strength, and courage, but it is okay to let others in to help. You will be an example to others and your words will help MANY other Mormon's realize the depth of control and manipulation that the church was inflicting on their lives. Stop running, stop hiding, stop ignoring! Face your problems and empower them with research. Knowledge will give you and your goals strength and resilience. There are so many people out there that have gone through this same deconstruction process. There are countless resources and people that know what this feels like. Set boundaries, listen to your heart, stand up for what you believe in, and do what makes you happy. Don't look for happiness in the future, but realize that happiness can always be found in the present. Make mistakes and try new things out that you may not have tried before. Accept your past for what it is and learn from it. Don't feel like you missed out or that time was stolen from you because it was all a teaching moment. You are going to have to question every aspect of your character, but know that you are a kind and loving soul not because of what an organization taught you, but because that is who you truly are. The level of psychological abuse that happened to you is significant and you will want to ignore that trauma, but facing the hard truths help you with the healing. Learn how to allow anger to be the fuel towards change. Let yourself  feel that pain and see it as a teacher and friend. DON'T COMPARE YOUR LIFE TO ANYONE ELSE'S BUT YOUR OWN!!!! Realize you don't actually know anything, but as long as you focus on self-love, then things will be okay."

I post these blogs because I see a need for my voice to be heard. Pain is guaranteed, but change is possible if you have the courage to take it one step at a time.