A Letter to In The Closet Andy

I was going to record myself reading this letter to myself but I couldn't do it without crying like a baby so here is what I want to say to myself:

Dear in the closet Andy,

I'm writing to you as a 24 year old version of yourself. Let me just start out by saying, YOU'RE SKINNY! Pretty exciting, right?  A lot has happened in your life; good and bad things. You've seen a lot of bad so far and unfortunately had to face those things alone and afraid to let anyone in on your struggles. The future literally terrifies you when you think of it. Just the thought of where you will be in the next few years makes you wish you could die instead of continuing to live in the pain that you feel everyday. You try your very best to ignore the reason why you are in pain and don't want to live. In fact, you do that so well that you somehow convince yourself that you aren't actually gay. It is amazing what the mind can do. Your biggest desire in life is to feel accepted and loved by those around you. I think you believe that you are not loved. You think so low of yourself. The desire you feel to be accepted leads you to try and gain acceptance from everyone, including the church we were raised in. You've always been told that the most happiness you can feel is when you are living the way the church teaches you to live. Why are you so unhappy then? One of your biggest fears in life is that you are a homosexual. You have convinced yourself that the reason you like looking at guys is because you are obese and admire the male figure and simply wish you looked like them. You ignore the fact that the female body has absolutely no interest to you. If you have any say in it, you will never let anyone know that you have watched gay porn. You think that if people knew the truth, then they would not accept you. You are afraid that other guys would be scared to be around you for fear of thinking you're attracted to them. You are afraid your parents will be disappointed in what you are. You are afraid the church you were raised in will label you as a sinner and vile. You are afraid that you won't be able to go into public without being a target for cruel words and actions. You are afraid that your friends will no longer be there. You. Are. Afraid. You are so afraid that you just pretend everything's okay. 

This is what I wish you knew Andy. If only your closeted self could REALLY be reading this! First off, you are definitely gay. I would say, "I hate to break the news to you," but I really do wish you knew that. You don't just admire the male body because you're fat. You are actually going to lose 140 pounds and become a very attractive man and many MANY women will state their case for why you should be with them, but guess what...you'll still like men.

I wish you could see what the Mormon church is doing to you. It is the main reason you are unhappy, if not the sole cause of your unhappiness. Get away as soon as you can. It won't be easy because Mormonism truly is a culture and your life. You will be shunned by some and judged by others, but their opinions don't matter. It is amazing how the church spins this web that is so encompassing and intricate that it will be so difficult for you to leave, but you are so strong Andy! You will be an example to many for your courage. You don't feel courageous, but there is a bright fire in you if you let it burn. You will finally stop pleading with God to change you and instead you will pray for opportunities to grow and live a happy life.

I wish you knew that you are loved. There are so many people that support you and wish for your success. Your fan pool will grow immensely though as you become more confident and happy throughout the years. You need to let go of the shame you feel for who you are. Just let it go (there will be a song about that). You need to realize absolutely nothing is wrong with your sexuality. Nothing! Be confident in your instincts and abilities. You are fucking awesome and the sooner you realize that the sooner you'll start soaring. It's okay to make mistakes, I promise! I know you are perfectionist, but failure is a chance to learn and grow. Living conservatively will never get you to your largest potential. Have fun along the way! Drink alcohol (responsibly of course)! It's not this scary monster that you should avoid like the plague. It helps you loosen up and learn to take risks. It's also really fun! Get a tattoo or two. Make out with lots of guys. Go on random adventures with strangers. Make friends everywhere you go. What I'm trying to say again and again is DON'T BE AFRAID! Don't be afraid to live life and make mistakes. There is only one Andy in the world so make the most of your talents and abilities. You don't have to be like anyone else, that is what makes YOU amazing!

So in closing, just know your life is going to get better in literally every aspect! Suicide is not the option. You are going to be successful at what you do. You are going to have incredible friends that love you. You are going to be so happy you cannot even comprehend it right now!

Look at you! 

If only you had known a little sooner about the life you could have lead instead of the life you thought you had to lead. Have no regrets Andy! 

Love, 

Your future, fabulously happy, out of the closet, beautiful, gay self, Andy

P.S. Stay away from the fireworks on the Fourth of July in 2015. You burn a hole in one of your favorite shirts 

Where I Stand With the Mormon Church

This will probably be my last post for a while. I want to thank all of you that have read my blog and are reading right now. I have had almost 10,000 views on my blog site which is far more people than I ever thought would read my words. Maybe I will find something else to blog about in the future but I feel like the normal topic of being gay and Mormon is done in my life. If you are short on time then just read the ending and that summarizes everything :)

I have been asked many times recently where I stand with the Mormon church. My friends and family want to know if I still attend church or believe in the church's teachings. Do I still have a testimony of Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon? I honestly couldn't answer all of those questions until recently because I was too confused and didn't know exactly how I felt.

Well now I think my mind is clear and I know what I want to say...

The church's policy change towards children of gay couples.

I was at a party when I first heard the news about the policy change via Facebook. I didn't believe it at first because it seemed so contrary to what the church had taught me all growing up. Things like families are the most important institution in life and that children are without sin and are not judged by the sins of their parents. I kept looking around online and finally realized this was a real thing. I went numb and didn't know what to think. I went back to my friends bedroom and literally just laid in their bed the rest of the night when everyone else was still having fun. I didn't cry or scream or get angry...I just laid there unsure of how to feel. The moment I read the news something inside of me broke. My whole life I have believed in EVERYTHING the Mormon church had taught me no matter how crazy or hard it was to believe sometimes. Even with being excommunicated I was still trying with all my might to hold on to that belief. That belief was fragile and worn but fell apart when I read that news. If you can imagine being in a dark room your whole life with someone describing to you what else is in the room and then finally the light comes on and you realize it is nothing like you had been told; that is how I felt when I read that news. I saw the church through a new lense. I won't go into all the details of why I cannot stand this new policy change, but just know it was the tipping point for my. It was the catalyst for all of these new beliefs in my life.

Do you still go to church?

No, I do not. Going into the excommunication process I can honestly say that I was still planning on attending church still. I could accept the fact that the church didn't approve of my actions, I could accept that I was seen as a sinner, and I could accept that I would be treated as a second class member. I was okay with that because at that time I had a belief that the church was true and run by a prophet of God. Ironically enough, about a week or two after I was excommunicated the church came out with the new policy that does not allow the children of gay couples to be baptized until they are 18. So do I attend a church where my future children would not be welcomed, where I am not allowed to serve in any capacity, say public prayers, read scriptures in class, offer my opinion when the teacher asks a question, or even sing in the choir? No, I do not and will not attend a church like that.

Why has excommunication been such a great thing for you, I thought you loved the Mormon church?

I used to love the Mormon church will all of my heart. If you knew me on my mission, then I meant every single word I said. Every testimony I bore was a real one. Being a member of the church has always been a burden though. We hear over and over again that we can overcome pain and sorrow through Christ, but I have now realized that so so so so much of that pain was coming from the church itself. I was beating myself up over being gay. For a lot of my life I tried my best to become a heterosexual. Then, I tried to play with the idea of marrying a girl. Finally, I tried to accept the fact that I had to be celibate for the rest of my life. Almost all of the pain and sorrow I have felt in my life up to this point has been from the beliefs I held in the Mormon church. So that is exactly why being excommunicated has been amazing! I feel such a burden lifted off my shoulders. The church teaches that sin is what brings on those burdens, but I am telling you now that no matter how many times I have sinned in my life, there was no greater burden than being a gay member of the Mormon church and trying to follow what they are teaching you. There are private Facebook groups for Mormons that are attracted to the same sex but still want to follow all of the commandments from the church (meaning living a celibate life or marrying a woman). I joined those groups when I first got home from my mission but couldn't stand them because almost every post was so depressing. There was so much pain from those people. I have met many people from that group in Houston and at other events and (no offense to them) they all just seem so incredibly miserable. They have their eyes set on dying and realizing that they will not be happy in this life but it is worth it because they will be happy when they die. That is just too heartbreaking for me. I thought I was happy when I finally came out to myself and I thought I was happy on my mission. There is just no comparison to then and now.

If you remember, I chose to act on my sexual orientation once I had prayed earnestly and received the answer that I can and I should be with men. A lot of people have thought that this whole process of excommunication would be hard on me, but it was actually incredibly easy because I knew what God had told me these things. I didn't need a room full of men to tell me where I stood with God. So at my disciplinary council when they took away my membership from the church and all the blessing that came with it, including the gift of the Holy Ghost, I was curious the see how I felt after they did that. The whole time I was there I felt the spirit confirming to me that I was making the right choice and these men were doing their job, but they were wrong. When I was supposed to lose the Holy Ghost I still felt it. I kept feeling it for days, weeks, and now months since my excommunication. I still receive promptings from the Holy Ghost often (even if I ignored one prompting recently and now have a speeding ticket from it...stupid Andy). If I was wrong in my decision then one would think I would feel an emptiness. I most definitely would not have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion either. That is exactly what brings me peace with all of this. I know this is the right decision!

What do you believe?

I believe we are all trying to find out what and who God is. We obviously aren't doing that great of a job if there can be thousands of different churches that all have a different definition of God and His teachings. I am not an atheist now, I promise. Most of my life I thought that the LDS church was the one true church that had the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't believe that anymore. Mormons are not an elite group of people. They are just like the rest of the worlds and are simply trying to figure out God and His mysteries. I strongly believe that whatever your beliefs may be, all that matters is that you live what YOU believe and God will judge accordingly. I am a Christian but don't know what role religion will play in my life anymore. At this time I am sure that I need a break from it.

To those still in the Mormon church.

You do you! I don't hate the church or hate you for being in it. Live what you believe. Can we still be friends even though we have different beliefs...YES! I am not here to tell you that you are wrong. I am not here to say the LDS church is evil. They do a lot of great things and there are a lot of good people in the church. Are all the things that they teach false? Not at all. There are many great things that they teach that I still believe.

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I no longer try to sort out the conflicting doctrines in the LDS church. Man is not meant to be alone, yet gay members are meant to remain celibate; the church is built on families, but not for gay families; children are without sin and able to make choices at 8, yet children of gay couples are denied blessings and cannot choose baptism until 18. I refuse to spend any more time feeling broken. I refuse to see myself as second-class. I choose to live for me. I choose to believe that God loves me fully and that he does not want me to be alone, sad, and divided. He would never label me as an abomination or simply classify me as a sinner or an apostate.

I have no perfect understanding except to know that the peace I longed for so desperately as a faithful Mormon, I have now found outside of the Church.