As most of you know, I have had some major changes in who I
am over the last couple of years. I am most definitely talking about my shift from becoming Andy Young
the Mormon to simply Andy Young. This paradigm shift was extremely exhilarating at first! Like Princess Jasmine, I was exploring a whole new world which was a dazzling place I never knew. I had a new fantastic point of view on life where there was no one to tell me no or where to go!
Life was simply amazing as I explored my sexuality and my new freedom as I finally let my heart decide. I got accepted to The University of Texas and moved to Austin and fell in love with the school and the city. Then, something happened...the depression that went away when I came out to myself back in 2012....came back. I couldn't understand why! I was happy! I was away from an abusive religion, I was living the "gay lifestyle" (whatever that means haha), and I was free to figure out who I was with no group telling me what I should believe. The thing they didn't tell me when I was leaving the Mormon church was that since I was so fully immersed in its culture, that I would now need to have my own ideas about life, God, my morals, politics, and so on. If you have never had a drastic shift in beliefs before, then just know that it shakes your whole world and it is not something that happens overnight.
Mormonism isn't just a church you simply go to on Sunday. Mormonism wants its members to be drowning (I say drowning and they say immersed...whatever haha) in their culture to keep its members away from the sins of the world and members are ALWAYS kept busy. They tell you exactly what you should believe in if you are to be a "good Mormon." I had no identity except Andy the singing Mormon.
After I left the church, I was a 23 year old that felt like I knew nothing about the world or my beliefs and it finally got to me. I felt lost, alone, and depressed! Mormonism always had me on a path: baptism, seminary, EFY, eagle scout, graduate, go on a mission, go to college, get married, have kids, become a bishop yourself, and so on. I now had the chance to decide what I wanted to do and what my goals were in life...and that is a lot of reorienting!
The ONE thing that I miss about being a Mormon is how service oriented it is. I loved and still love helping other people and I no longer had an automatic outlet for that since I left the church. I started feeling guilty because I felt like I was becoming a selfish person. A lot of what I did was for me and no on else. The guilt of being selfish was starting to get to me as I continued to spend so much of my time trying to define who Andy was. I finally had to consciously decided that it was okay that I was being selfish! In my searching, I learned this lesson:
So I decided to focus just on myself. I finally realized I had a lot of baggage from being Mormon that I had to address. I realized I was angry with Mormonism and Christianity...but I didn't want to be (I've figured that out too and no longer feel those emotions anymore so don't worry). I had to find a way to deal with those unhealthy feelings I had. The biggest idea I had to wrap my head around was discovering what my beliefs were towards a higher power (I settled on atheism if you're curious). It is so hard to describe how much of my life had to change when I walked out of the life I used to live. I no longer saw the world through the "Mormon lense." I had nothing blocking my vision or altering my view anymore.
Fast forward and I recently took a trip to Houston to see family and friends and had a great time. Over the course of that week long trip I kept having different things happen that helped me realize how much I really had changed since I was that fresh new gay boy I was 2 years ago. Then, on my last night in Houston, I was laying in my bed (in a room that was mine when I was a middle schooler), and it just all hit me at once...I finally felt like I knew who Andy Young was!!!!!!!! I finally felt like I knew what I believed in as an individual and no longer as a part of this huge corporation that I was raised in. I could have conversations with my family or friends and I could share what I thought about life. If you are not understanding how significant that is for me, then think about all the small little opinions that make up who you are...there are so so so so so many!
I went from feeling lost and like a child again to finally realizing I know who Andy is. That is simply a fabulous feeling to have! My reflection finally showed who I was on the inside.
I have become a completely different person. Can I please say that again for emphasis? I HAVE BECOME A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON! I literally feel like my brain has been rewired to think differently. If you knew Andy Young before you knew he was also gay, then that Andy Young is dead. Memories live on in me. Some of the personality traits that the old Andy had live on in me. I don't even look the same (it just happened that way with my weight loss but it is fun to throw that in there)!
Obviously, I am still a work in progress, but I had to share how great of a feeling it is to start being able to know who I am after feeling so lost. Thank you to all of my friends, followers, and family members that have helped in my journey so far and will continue to help me in becoming my own best self!
P.S. If you caught a couple of Disney references, it is because I've been listening to Disney a lot lately and so many of their lyrics and stories are simply amazing. Can I start a religion that preaches what Disney teaches us!?!?!?!?!? My friend Jordyn told me, "one thing about Disney music is that Howard Ashman had a big hand in writing music/lyrics for a lot of them. Sometimes when you think about it that way you're like...Oh! This is written from the perspective of a gay man!"