I have been asked many times recently where I stand with the Mormon church. My friends and family want to know if I still attend church or believe in the church's teachings. Do I still have a testimony of Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon? I honestly couldn't answer all of those questions until recently because I was too confused and didn't know exactly how I felt.
Well now I think my mind is clear and I know what I want to say...
The church's policy change towards children of gay couples.
I was at a party when I first heard the news about the policy change via Facebook. I didn't believe it at first because it seemed so contrary to what the church had taught me all growing up. Things like families are the most important institution in life and that children are without sin and are not judged by the sins of their parents. I kept looking around online and finally realized this was a real thing. I went numb and didn't know what to think. I went back to my friends bedroom and literally just laid in their bed the rest of the night when everyone else was still having fun. I didn't cry or scream or get angry...I just laid there unsure of how to feel. The moment I read the news something inside of me broke. My whole life I have believed in EVERYTHING the Mormon church had taught me no matter how crazy or hard it was to believe sometimes. Even with being excommunicated I was still trying with all my might to hold on to that belief. That belief was fragile and worn but fell apart when I read that news. If you can imagine being in a dark room your whole life with someone describing to you what else is in the room and then finally the light comes on and you realize it is nothing like you had been told; that is how I felt when I read that news. I saw the church through a new lense. I won't go into all the details of why I cannot stand this new policy change, but just know it was the tipping point for my. It was the catalyst for all of these new beliefs in my life.
Do you still go to church?
No, I do not. Going into the excommunication process I can honestly say that I was still planning on attending church still. I could accept the fact that the church didn't approve of my actions, I could accept that I was seen as a sinner, and I could accept that I would be treated as a second class member. I was okay with that because at that time I had a belief that the church was true and run by a prophet of God. Ironically enough, about a week or two after I was excommunicated the church came out with the new policy that does not allow the children of gay couples to be baptized until they are 18. So do I attend a church where my future children would not be welcomed, where I am not allowed to serve in any capacity, say public prayers, read scriptures in class, offer my opinion when the teacher asks a question, or even sing in the choir? No, I do not and will not attend a church like that.
Why has excommunication been such a great thing for you, I thought you loved the Mormon church?
I used to love the Mormon church will all of my heart. If you knew me on my mission, then I meant every single word I said. Every testimony I bore was a real one. Being a member of the church has always been a burden though. We hear over and over again that we can overcome pain and sorrow through Christ, but I have now realized that so so so so much of that pain was coming from the church itself. I was beating myself up over being gay. For a lot of my life I tried my best to become a heterosexual. Then, I tried to play with the idea of marrying a girl. Finally, I tried to accept the fact that I had to be celibate for the rest of my life. Almost all of the pain and sorrow I have felt in my life up to this point has been from the beliefs I held in the Mormon church. So that is exactly why being excommunicated has been amazing! I feel such a burden lifted off my shoulders. The church teaches that sin is what brings on those burdens, but I am telling you now that no matter how many times I have sinned in my life, there was no greater burden than being a gay member of the Mormon church and trying to follow what they are teaching you. There are private Facebook groups for Mormons that are attracted to the same sex but still want to follow all of the commandments from the church (meaning living a celibate life or marrying a woman). I joined those groups when I first got home from my mission but couldn't stand them because almost every post was so depressing. There was so much pain from those people. I have met many people from that group in Houston and at other events and (no offense to them) they all just seem so incredibly miserable. They have their eyes set on dying and realizing that they will not be happy in this life but it is worth it because they will be happy when they die. That is just too heartbreaking for me. I thought I was happy when I finally came out to myself and I thought I was happy on my mission. There is just no comparison to then and now.
If you remember, I chose to act on my sexual orientation once I had prayed earnestly and received the answer that I can and I should be with men. A lot of people have thought that this whole process of excommunication would be hard on me, but it was actually incredibly easy because I knew what God had told me these things. I didn't need a room full of men to tell me where I stood with God. So at my disciplinary council when they took away my membership from the church and all the blessing that came with it, including the gift of the Holy Ghost, I was curious the see how I felt after they did that. The whole time I was there I felt the spirit confirming to me that I was making the right choice and these men were doing their job, but they were wrong. When I was supposed to lose the Holy Ghost I still felt it. I kept feeling it for days, weeks, and now months since my excommunication. I still receive promptings from the Holy Ghost often (even if I ignored one prompting recently and now have a speeding ticket from it...stupid Andy). If I was wrong in my decision then one would think I would feel an emptiness. I most definitely would not have the Holy Ghost as my constant companion either. That is exactly what brings me peace with all of this. I know this is the right decision!
What do you believe?
I believe we are all trying to find out what and who God is. We obviously aren't doing that great of a job if there can be thousands of different churches that all have a different definition of God and His teachings. I am not an atheist now, I promise. Most of my life I thought that the LDS church was the one true church that had the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't believe that anymore. Mormons are not an elite group of people. They are just like the rest of the worlds and are simply trying to figure out God and His mysteries. I strongly believe that whatever your beliefs may be, all that matters is that you live what YOU believe and God will judge accordingly. I am a Christian but don't know what role religion will play in my life anymore. At this time I am sure that I need a break from it.
To those still in the Mormon church.
You do you! I don't hate the church or hate you for being in it. Live what you believe. Can we still be friends even though we have different beliefs...YES! I am not here to tell you that you are wrong. I am not here to say the LDS church is evil. They do a lot of great things and there are a lot of good people in the church. Are all the things that they teach false? Not at all. There are many great things that they teach that I still believe.
-------------------------------------------------------
I no longer try to sort out the conflicting doctrines in the LDS church. Man is not meant to be alone, yet gay members are meant to remain celibate; the church is built on families, but not for gay families; children are without sin and able to make choices at 8, yet children of gay couples are denied blessings and cannot choose baptism until 18. I refuse to spend any more time feeling broken. I refuse to see myself as second-class. I choose to live for me. I choose to believe that God loves me fully and that he does not want me to be alone, sad, and divided. He would never label me as an abomination or simply classify me as a sinner or an apostate.
I have no perfect understanding except to know that the peace I longed for so desperately as a faithful Mormon, I have now found outside of the Church.
