I'll Never Be Called "Daddy"

I'm 9 years old and it's recess time! My favorite time of the day (except for lunch of course). ALL of my classmates and I have difficulty trying to contain our excitement as we have to walk in a single file line down the hall. I just want to run, scream, jump, and play. The walk to the outside door seems like miles but when I am finally through the door and into the sunlight I run straight for my normal play spot. I get to the shade under the trees-away from the soccer field and basketball court. Most of my male counterparts are off playing sports and getting all sweaty. I, however, am ready to play house with all the girls. I am the dad and I have a wife, kids, and a dog named "Beefy". We have a beautiful house with blue shutters. I have a job making all the money I need. I have 2 cars. I have everything!

That perfect life I created in my imagination was something that I always dreamed of. I have wanted to be a dad my entire life. I even had a journal entirely dedicated to how I would raise my children and what kind of dad I would be. I love kids so much. I love their innocence. I love how you can't stay angry at them. Kids can dream big, even though they throw a tantrum now and then, and they have pure hearts. I had the opportunity to be a preschool teacher when I was in high school. I was a depressed person in those years of my life but every single time I went to preschool to teach the kids I would leave smiling. I would forget my troubles when I spent time with them because kids are just that awesome.

I think having this picture perfect life with a wife, 2.5 kids, a house, 2 cars, and a dog, is what made accepting the fact that I was gay so hard and why it took so long. I did not want to accept the idea that I could not have kids. Of all the things in life, a career, spouse, fame, intelligence, you name it, I wanted to be a dad more than anything. I finally have accepted that that will probably never happen.

The idea that I can never have kids is what breaks my heart the most about being gay. The all too familiar, "Why, oh why would you do this to me God?" pops into my head. Doesn't God want me to be a father and have a family? Why would he do this to me?

This last year I have really come to realize that my life isn't turning out at all how I thought it would. Maybe that means I am finally an adult...? (Nahhhh) I've also come to realize that that is OKAY! So I will never have someone to call me daddy...it sucks, but oh well. I will never have a tiny little guy that I can tuck in, sing lullabies to, teach how to ride a bike, be a friend and mentor to...that breaks my heart, but that's life. There are many people in life that never get this or that no matter how they desire it...that is life.

What can I do then? Well...obviously there is not a 100% chance that I will never have kids...anything is possible. But before you get your hopes up ladies, lets just say that the chances of me having kids, however low they are, is more likely to happen with a partner of the same sex then with a woman (sorry girls...it just won't ever work). So my best bet now is to be the best gosh darn uncle there ever was! I only have one nephew so far but my brothers and sister better make many many more :) So just warning you Tyler, Spencer, Lauren, and Sierra...uncle Andy is always going to be the favorite ;)

This blog isn't supposed to be about me and how sad my life can be sometimes. I try to help people understand more about LGBT issues and be YOUR best self. The lesson I get from this is that you can't always get what you want. No matter how "good" of a want that may be. You are dealt cards unlike any other person in the history of the world. Why would you be just like someone else? That is boring! Live your life to the fullest and don't let anything slow you down.

Control Your Own Happiness

It has been 6 months since coming out! That has caused some pondering on my part add I look back over these months. With that pondering I remember some questions that some of you might have asked me...

I have been asked many times things like,

"Was it worth it?"

"Are you glad that you came out?"

"Have people treated you differently?"

"Are you happier?"

"Did you realize how much people would pay attention to your life after coming out?"

"Would you do it again?"

P.S. You really can ask me anything! I've had lots of people ask me questions about just about anything and everything. Please don't feel embarrassed or shy if you really do have a question! Just private message me.

Yes, it was worth it, I am so glad that I came out and wish I would have done it sooner, yes, people have treated me differently...but in a good way, I couldn't be happier, I did realize that people would watch me more closely after coming out (that is one of the reasons I did it), and I would make the same decision a thousand more times.

People have also called me courageous and that it took a lot of guts to do what I did. I don't really like  it when people say that though. Yes, it was a decision that I did not make lightly. Yes, I would be lying if I said my heart wasn't racing before I hit "Post" on Facebook saying that I was gay. BUT...it didn't feel like a courageous act. I saw it as a way to be happier with my life. I saw it as a way to stop lying intentionally and lying by the sin of omission. I saw it as a way to stop torturing myself, to stop hiding, to stop feeling ashamed of who I was, to educate others about LGBT people. So as you can see...I felt like I was doing this for selfish reasons. As I have been writing this post I'm starting to realize that it may have required more courage than I first thought. Maybe this post should be about courage then...

This quote couldn't be more true for me! Courage is facing fears and that is exactly what I did. I had a few concerns of course before coming out. "What if people treat me differently? What if people turn away from me? What if other guys feel uncomfortable around me now? What if I lose potential opportunities because of prejudices?" Then I started to realize that almost all of my fears about coming out were based on what other people thought of me. How stupid of me was that! I was letting other people control my own happiness. Like I said when I first came out, coming out was not for any of you! Coming out was for me! Most people don't really care that I came out. It doesn't really change much for them at all. I needed to get rid of all of those barriers I created throughout my life. I needed to dissolve the part of me that cared about what others thought of me.

One of the major factors that influenced my decision to come out was from my best friend. She moved to Colorado shortly before I left on my mission. As you can imagine, I couldn't wait to visit her after I got home. I was able to spend 3 weeks with her in Colorado shortly after coming home from my mission. I bring this up because I had never felt so free than those 3 weeks with her! The only people I knew in Colorado were her and her family. They all knew I was gay so I could be myself. I could talk about how beautiful Chris Hemsworth was in the Thor movie we watched.

I mean...come on! Look at that beautiful man! 

I could go shopping for hours if only to look at fabulous clothes and joke about wearing girls clothing. I could talk how I wanted, dress how I wanted, act how I wanted, without fear of someone discovering or assuming that I was gay. I don't know, maybe you're thinking that those are small things, but to me, not having those boundaries was a colossal thing. Later, when I was contemplating the idea of coming out, it was people like Jordyn and her family that mattered. I already had unconditional love from them and that's all I cared about. I knew that there was a chance that I could lose some friends when I decided to be true to myself, but they weren't worth my time if something like that could change their opinion of me. If you have to pretend to be someone that you are not so that your friends accept you...then maybe they are not your friends.

Sometimes the only way to grow in life is to take leaps of faith. At times those leaps will seem like a small jump and other times it may seem like trying to cross the Grand Canyon. For most of my life I felt like I was stuck on one side of that canyon with no way across, but there is almost always a way! Letting go of the fear of judgement from others is such an important thing to me now. Be true to yourself! Live your life so that you are happy. Love everyone for who they are. Love yourself! Stop feeling guilty about everything. Stop trying to be who you think your are supposed to be and be who you are. If you end up making a mistake, then pick yourself back up and keep trying. This life is about becoming something better everyday. SO what are you going to do to take risks and become better?

P.S. I would never try to persuade someone to come out. Coming out is a very personal decision and one that should be done completely by the individual. There is a small chance that someone that is reading this is still in the closet though. If I were to say anything to you, then I would say that it was worth it for me. I highly recommend it :)